the fish market

was that too irreverent?... the title, i mean... well, you may have more of an opinion after realizing that this entry is presenting the response i sent to someone who reached out to me via the plenty of fish website... you may remember the profile and assessment and summary they put together from my answers to their questions... i wonder how much of that actually gets seen on their website... anyway, this was my response to the high-end call girl, i mean, classy lady (hey, she said sense of humor was as essential as breathing... wonder if she meant my sense of humor or somebody else's... irreverence is not just a great defense, it's also amusing sometimes... at least it is to me... anyway, as i was saying/writing before the parentheses interrupted) who responded to me today...

Finding what appears to be an email suggesting that you have reached out to me leads me to believe I ought to check my email more often... a sense of humor is the primary reason i am still alive, which is a suggestive way of agreeing with your first words... i am challenged by a lack of time for myself lately and in turn, a lack of sleep, so to say i am slacking on self-nurturing is an understatement, so whatever wisdom i may have suggests this is no time to start meeting new people... really, i consider myself a pathetic shell of the person i might have been had i not given everything away a few times in this life... still, i love to laugh at my pathos and don't cry over spilled milk (though give me a good tearjerker movie, but that's besides the point, he says slightly smirking)... you have, however, inspired my smile and i thank you for that and send you these words... erveryone is as equal as they want to be in my mind... i don't recall ever being on an actual date... i have not been formal in years, suits are in storage just north of niagara falls (slowly i turn) along with enough stuff to open an ebay store (which i might do one of these days if i ever take a day off)... i've been rich, i've been poor, i've been in between... i've enoyed all of it, though rich leaves much more time to play and i love to play (the child inside is alive and well and shall never give up on some dreams)... your 'life should be lived thirds' concept inspired this instant response (well, instant from my perspective) and interested in communicating with you... and i agree as i laugh at myself and say (to myself, you don't have to listen) - wonderful balance i've got to get better at one of these days... what?... not giving it all away every time? (self-mockery keeps me semi-sane, again, a comfortable smile that hopefully shows through in the words, but is noted just in case it doesn't)... and yes, i am told i write too much, share too much, give too much, even talk too much from time to time... most people seem to want bland and light, no matter what they say... writing is my personal pasttime... wanna see my blogs? (and if you are not laughing, oh well, i'm just not amusing you)...

i can be too serious too... so seriously, today i do not think that i am not the man you are looking for... that is my self-assessment of me, no judgment of you at all... that is not my decision, but just my guess... i am not trying to come on or turn you off, i am trying to be your friend... and yes, i have been told i am too honest too... i wonder if our senses of humor might be lifelong friends and never knew it... or tennis partners... do you play spades?... softball?... or perhaps you might just sell me a house someday...

wait, which part was the serious part again? :)

thank you for reaching out,
ric

http://candoor.net
http://bullsugar.blogspot.com
candoor@gmail.com
407-325-1482

hope

inspired by a personal vlog...

laci, dear laci, you are not as alone as you may feel... you are one of the few, sadly, who refuse to let go of the awareness available to every child who dares to use the mind and feel openly, honestly, and beyond the fear forced upon us all by oppressive cultural rituals and controlling forces (governments, religions, economic structures)...

i have lived long, relatively, and yet still touch the first moment of awareness i felt as a very young child before anyone could convince me that love and trust and truth and sharing and caring were wrong... before i bought into the fears, i bought into the love and nothing is stronger...

along the way many other emotions have competed and at times, dark depressing weights blinded me to the love, but somewhere inside that same unrelenting drive to be aware, to love, to care that brought on the depressing hopelessness was the saving grace that shined with hope as i found myself laughing at myself - never give up, never surrender, the madness of the stubbornness of not giving into fear, of not turning off the awareness, of not leaving - or losing my mind...

so strange the feeling that not being able to escape the awareness, not being able to let go of the caring, not being able to step out of my mind can feel like losing my mind... but here i am, battered and beaten and gasping my last breath now and then, yet still walking on through the wind (song from carousel and the md telethon) and realizing that it is just a matter of perspective...

it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, what matters is will you drink it or die of thirst...

the greatest challenge in life for me has been to maintain hope during the moments of despair when people i loved and trusted betrayed me, when the weight of the world seemed to come crashing down on my shoulders, when i felt not just helpless, but worthless because i was not seeing how i could do anything more to help anyone or myself, when i wondered if i could do anything more, when i felt lost and did not know what to do...

in those moments i reached deep inside for the child i was, the child i am, the child who said no to fear, no to doubt, no to the grown up world that sought to oppress and devour my hope and love... and that child inside smiles even as i whimper, even as i shudder, even as i cringe with desperation, for that child lives and knows the strength and power of believing in love...

i see the child in you, in your eyes when you share your hopefulness and enlightened thoughts... i hope that my recognition of that part of you might help you feel less alone and help you remember your strength and most of all, help you remember that you see the big picture - humanity with all it's faults - and still can believe in the love within yourself... you are aware and enlightened and beautiful and that fact - that you are as you are - proves a human can overcome the fears and all the cruelties and self-destruction that those fears create... if you can do it, others can do it... so there is the hope for humanity, the proof in who you are...

it is challenging to wait for enough people to catch up so humanity as a collective species takes another evolutionary leap forward in conscious awareness... the best we can do is be the role models we are and take solace that there are a few others out here who understand...

let this be a comforting hug, a safe understanding that it's ok to feel the weight, that it's ok to feel the depression and throw a pity-party for humanity for it is a pity that so much human life is wasted and has been wasted... and let this also help you see the way out of that hopeless helpless malaise... take my hand, at least mentally/emotionally in these words, when you feel down and i rejoice in the fact that i feel strong enough to offer it...

let this be a thank you for the times i felt down and your voice/positivity lifted me :)

honest love, ric

like a memory

oh so amazing the magical first site of love that I knew once upon a time and meg and dia she takes me back there from a distance, afar off memory not quite a fantasy (sometimes a fantasy is all we need, but not all the time) so once again the magic calls from deep within and I don’t make the time (what, fools rush in and that is why the things we do for {what’s that song, where’s that tape, love, who was that… oh, once upon a time)… just dare me to jump and see what happens :)

and when i want more

i might whine aloud (or in print in relative public, like right here, for instance) and while it may start with self-pathetic pouting (or even venting re: the antiblog, look it up in the blogs of rhyme and prose i write below), it always ends up with a happy confirmation of my belief in myself (even if that is delusional) as you might see in the process exposed to words below...

so i will just keep deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and all the rest, the bullsugar and blogs of rhymes and prose i write and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, even if that is just my delusion and I am a fool for believing it…

but I’m not…

education

education is the wisdom that remains after you've forgotten the details...

response to a thank you

from an old friend, childhood classmate, who published a book that i have been cheering and sharing all over the internet and life too... this may be the first evidence of life amidst the brain cells (babble-life, that is) in more than a year, or longer or shorter depending on perspective... it's a good sign, we hope, whomever we are... the inquiry in the thank you note for applauding her book was about life, the usual, marriage, kids, relationships, and of course, etc... here's your chance to get to know a bit about the life i've led, or lead, depending upon language...

ah, family and all... I have not married, had two long (more than a few years) term relationships (1981-91, 1993-99), the first was live-in for nine of those years, the second was live-in for two of those years)... i love my independence as much as i love sharing (have a roommate at the moment)... created no kids, sort of (financially and emotionally, not legally) adopted a few along the way, mostly short-term, two for the duration (life)... they are grown, one (28y/o) calls me daddy, another (21y/o) is still on my phone bill for her phone... ironically, i was platonic friends with both of their parents... currently single and not looking (much), but not opposed to adventure either... I tend to be smiling (or smirking, even, as I play with words {write, that is}, but it is my head I play with and me I mock most, which is good cuz I’m usually the only one who gets all the jokes… questions get answered and actual meaningful information finds it’s way into the missives between parentheses and babble) as I write, though if I included smiley faces every time I smiled or laughed at myself or references, the page (box) would be spotted with smiley faces and lols (or lams, which would be laughing at myself)… I apparently have picked up a bit of the online computer lingo… as you are bound to see if we exchange more than a message or few, words are my silly (some might say childish) sanctuary from the seriousness of the life we live as ‘grown-ups’, especially since I work a lot and my work can be considered too serious to be much fun…

back to the questions… I lived in California for a couple of years in the 70s and roamed around until '78 when I returned to Brooklyn to replenish the bank account... worked for the state (with institutionalized MR/DD kids) until 1990 when i moved to Florida, semi-retired until 1999… lived in Toronto and Buffalo 95-97, the things we do for love (gave up a house and, well, everything except what is still in storage just north of Niagara Falls, which reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello or Three Stooges bit, but that’s a distraction and I won’t babble on too much in a facebook note as they have character limits and it can get quite challenging to follow the threads of thought-paths spiraling through my head… though as I may have mentioned in a previous parenthetic aside, it amuses me and as a side benefit, let’s me know who my friends are)… Toronto was beautiful, but it is another country so I had to keep a US address… returned to Orlando to start over (nothing like the John Lennon song, I think), working at a psychiatric hospital for kids since 2/2001 in a few different capacities, currently their risk manager and quality director (high falooting title aside, I love the work)…

what else counts as etc? :)

you are very welcome for my cheers, I love the written word, having poured many millions on to paper and computer screens in this life (never formally for publishing… writing remains one of my favorite forms of communication, though I’ve been away for a while and mostly communicator {or is it pandering} in one-liner comments that is all in vogue these days)… so cheering on your writing endeavors is fun for me and your appreciation is icing on the cake :)

I received a copy of your book a week or so ago and have not found time to read yet, but it sits on my coffee table baiting me to dive in… when I do, I’ll let you know (and I apologize for the delay, I just don’t want to skim and have not been in the habit of fitting in time for savoring reading in recent years… like an old friend, I miss reading… and on that potentially profoundly emo-note, I shall wish you much success and wellness and happiness and thank you for including me in your celebration if only in this thank you note…

what else have you written (for yourself, others, as a pro or not) and what about your life, relationships, travels, work, and etc… if you have a bit of time, i’d like to know :)

ironicity

it may be time to give up on meaningful dialogue and retire to twitter...