hope

inspired by a personal vlog...

laci, dear laci, you are not as alone as you may feel... you are one of the few, sadly, who refuse to let go of the awareness available to every child who dares to use the mind and feel openly, honestly, and beyond the fear forced upon us all by oppressive cultural rituals and controlling forces (governments, religions, economic structures)...

i have lived long, relatively, and yet still touch the first moment of awareness i felt as a very young child before anyone could convince me that love and trust and truth and sharing and caring were wrong... before i bought into the fears, i bought into the love and nothing is stronger...

along the way many other emotions have competed and at times, dark depressing weights blinded me to the love, but somewhere inside that same unrelenting drive to be aware, to love, to care that brought on the depressing hopelessness was the saving grace that shined with hope as i found myself laughing at myself - never give up, never surrender, the madness of the stubbornness of not giving into fear, of not turning off the awareness, of not leaving - or losing my mind...

so strange the feeling that not being able to escape the awareness, not being able to let go of the caring, not being able to step out of my mind can feel like losing my mind... but here i am, battered and beaten and gasping my last breath now and then, yet still walking on through the wind (song from carousel and the md telethon) and realizing that it is just a matter of perspective...

it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, what matters is will you drink it or die of thirst...

the greatest challenge in life for me has been to maintain hope during the moments of despair when people i loved and trusted betrayed me, when the weight of the world seemed to come crashing down on my shoulders, when i felt not just helpless, but worthless because i was not seeing how i could do anything more to help anyone or myself, when i wondered if i could do anything more, when i felt lost and did not know what to do...

in those moments i reached deep inside for the child i was, the child i am, the child who said no to fear, no to doubt, no to the grown up world that sought to oppress and devour my hope and love... and that child inside smiles even as i whimper, even as i shudder, even as i cringe with desperation, for that child lives and knows the strength and power of believing in love...

i see the child in you, in your eyes when you share your hopefulness and enlightened thoughts... i hope that my recognition of that part of you might help you feel less alone and help you remember your strength and most of all, help you remember that you see the big picture - humanity with all it's faults - and still can believe in the love within yourself... you are aware and enlightened and beautiful and that fact - that you are as you are - proves a human can overcome the fears and all the cruelties and self-destruction that those fears create... if you can do it, others can do it... so there is the hope for humanity, the proof in who you are...

it is challenging to wait for enough people to catch up so humanity as a collective species takes another evolutionary leap forward in conscious awareness... the best we can do is be the role models we are and take solace that there are a few others out here who understand...

let this be a comforting hug, a safe understanding that it's ok to feel the weight, that it's ok to feel the depression and throw a pity-party for humanity for it is a pity that so much human life is wasted and has been wasted... and let this also help you see the way out of that hopeless helpless malaise... take my hand, at least mentally/emotionally in these words, when you feel down and i rejoice in the fact that i feel strong enough to offer it...

let this be a thank you for the times i felt down and your voice/positivity lifted me :)

honest love, ric

education

education is the wisdom that remains after you've forgotten the details...

ironicity

it may be time to give up on meaningful dialogue and retire to twitter...

excerpts from letters to long lost loved ones

I am foolish for not being asleep, but I was celebrating my birthday with my future roommates (a girl and her dog) and suppose I am more wired than tired (which must be pretty wired cuz I am bleary blurry tired (head bleary, eyes blurry) and somehow I thought about you (perhaps because we were both born on a 6th, for whatever numerology or random associations like that may be worth… I hear the stars talking some nights, wishing they would talk to me… they seem to hear my wishes and smile, or maybe that’s just the twinkle that comes as my eyes water from fatigue or some emoness)… and somewhere in my mind I remember reading (or reading about) the electric kool-aid acid test and other rather free associative rambles that made radical drug use and intellectual rebellion popular in the 60’s when cool was in and love was free and hair was long and people could be less afraid to be together and share honesty without egocentric competition or pretentious mind games intended to provoke or scare others into giving attention they are afraid to ask for in a direct caring way because deep down they are afraid they are not good enough to deserve honest love or genuine caring so they distort everything within their own minds and turn every interaction into a conflict they way so many people do today… better to remember reading…

and better to be alone for it always hurts when I lie to myself (but how to know when I do if I believe myself all the time and how to believe myself all the time if I lie to myself intermittently as any psychobabbler knows inconsistent reinforcement develops the some of the most illogical and unhealthy and anti-social habits, but not to be outdone the pretend of madness grows in the garden on the other side of the wall (once there was a madhouse, high and tall, walls crept over with vines… older than the nature, hear the call, said he was a friend of mine… gazing up at starlight, gave my all, some will smile, some will frown… would it even matter, afterall, if no one was looking down… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… attention, nothing more… once there was a loner, high and lost, fear distorted his mind… in his lonely wanders, damn the cost, equal can be suicide… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… to be me, to be loved, to belong, nothing more… but who dares to know the truth that sets us free?... to belong, to be loved, to be anything, first, one must be…

I am…

except when I forget :}

but when I remember, I remember I need nothing no one nothing to be me, to be, to am… and then I can appreciate what is, all that is, and be part of and belong and finally share something real without fear or doubt or manipulative games… ah, to be without manipulative games… I remember it well… and I miss sharing the experience, but who will remember with me, no less actualize… lament is free, though it can demand a heavy price from those who feed it’s passionless crusade… and when all is left is anger, numb seems best… apologies are worthless when they get too repetitive… but still better than dead silence or angry noise, so continue striving for honesty in caring for all else is a waste of time unless one enjoys the meaningless soap operas more than actualized life, love, and the pursuit of happiness… security is just a state of mind, as is everything else…

I came here to remind you I care about you and want to know about your daily days and nightly nights… I could have checked the tweets or pretended to send random secret messages to the moon in five links, but instead, I came here because I am celebrating caring and want to care about you… damned emo of me, no doubt… and may you find some amusement (or profundity) in my ramblings inspired by this, that, and the other thing and the 6th day of the month… or something like that…

I hope you are smiling and feeling good, healthy, happy, and forgiving (if time requires it) or understanding living in the moment and enjoying this moment with me… I will continue to return, even if you don’t coax me… I hope you will do the same :)