Thursday, May 30, 2019

Love is Brilliant

So for a change, I am going to leave the letter that inspired this one in this one because they inspiration comes from a guy who has been published and public for as long as I've been alive, at least, and if his estate wants a portion of the royalties from this blog, well, as soon as I make a dime I'll give him at least a quarter. We can negotiate better terms (for me), after that.

It was a long time ago that I first fell in love with this man. And the bonding continues.

Ah, Ashleigh, you are a pretty amazing fellow. I would have liked to know you better than through your pot shot cards, but through them, I've relatively known you for more than fifty years. I don't get to email much these days, in fact, this is the first email I've written this year. Long before the internet, long before home computers, I wrote (babbled, actually) every day, in journals (blogs), letters, and all sort of odds and ends, but these days I live (much work, some play) life much more than I write. It's a very strange experience, to live without daily writing.

I decided I would let you know I have enjoyed your words since my hippie days in New York. Living on 4th street, positively, I would hand pot shot cards to passing stranger now and then. Naturally some of my babbling was on the back, but matching the card to the right person was a fun game for me. Often I received a smile and sometimes a conversation, occasionally would find a friend who stuck around a while. I still have a box filled with hundreds of pot shot cards from those days, though it's been in a storage locker along with hundreds of other boxes of words and stuff in upstate New York for more than twenty years. One day I hope to amaze myself with a journey through those boxes. I shall, if I live long enough to retire with enough money to bring the stuff to wherever I am. Poverty has chase away my riches more than once in this lifetime. I've never had much interest in money, but what it can bring does seem to be missed when it is gone.

Memories are free, however mementos can be quite expensive.

I meandered along this path just to say hello and wish I could support your writing more than I do, but perhaps knowing that your words have been appreciated for all these years and they still are, is worth a smile or two for you. Smiles are so valuable, it amazes me that they are still free.

Take care of yourself and keep sharing your wonder, your life, and your life. You've made the world a better place :)


On Fri, Apr 26, 2019 at 5:43 PM wrote: Bonding

Dear Friends,

On May 24, it will be a year since Dorothy, my wife and partner for 51 years, passed away, after a long sad decline due to Parkinson’s.

Much of the time since then I have spent going through all the things Dorothy left behind. She was a passionate traveler and a terrible hoarder, and she practically never threw anything away. She had an incredible variety of enthusiasms, and there were many that I simply could not share. I won’t even attempt to list them here – but one of them was James Bond. She would never miss a Bond movie, no matter how many times it was shown on TV

I had already thrown away her large collection James Bond videotapes, (now, of course, technologically obsolete) and was about to put in the box of giveaways a book I came across this morning, a large glossy volume published in 1981, called “The James Bond Films.” But then I looked inside the cover, and realized that this was something too special to part with. It was a birthday present I had given her in 1982, which I had completely forgotten about.

Here is what I had written:

Ever since my first arrival

In your life, from out beyond,

It’s been clear I have a rival –

Someone by the name of Bond.

How I’ve cursed him

As you’ve nursed him,

Ogled him from crown to belly –

How I’ve damned him,

Could have rammed him –

But I might have hurt the telly.

To my darling Dorothy

from Ash

December 8, 1982,

In token of

the Bond between us.


Attached are 2 more of my articles from the Montecito Journal.

All the best,

Ashleigh Brilliant

PS In case you’ve been wondering, my tenth book of Brilliant Thoughts, “I Need More Time – And I Probably Always Will” is still in the works.

ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT, 117 W. Valerio St. Santa Barbara CA 93101 USA. Phone (805) 682-0531 Creator of POT-SHOTS, syndicated author of I MAY NOT BE TOTALLY PERFECT, BUT PARTS OF ME ARE EXCELLENT. 10,000 copyrighted BRILLIANT THOUGHTS available as cards, books etc. World's highest-paid writer (per word).

Most-quoted author (per Reader's Digest.) Free daily Pot-Shot

cartoon: CATALOGS:[handling and mail included]. Starter $5.. Electronic Text-Only (emailed $25, on CD $30). Electronic Illustrated Catalog/Database (CD only) $105 (includes shipping anywhere). Details:

Go buy something from the man, you'll be amazed at how words can change your life :)

Monday, September 17, 2018

Cuz It's About Me Too

Yeah, so a lot of letters to friends were channeled elsewhere in a blog specifically for one very special friend (go fish lol... oh, laugh.. maybe I'll link it later... you could always ask if it matters to you, right?) and I've sort of neglected this blog, so here's one that crosses blog borders. Within the letter to the very special friend (who has a blog space elsewhere) is a letter to a stranger (yet another bog, aye) which refers to a profile (yet another blog, ya see?) which... we'll, you can ask if if it matters to you, m'ok?) lol. We could be having so much fun if you were playing along. Or here even.

What are we up to, a dozen? Probably a few dozen if we go back ten years to when we first because roommies and best friends. Anyway, I will keep keeping in touch with the parts of you that you hide away cuz somebody's gotta do it (and besides, I loves ya and want what is best for you, but you oughta know that by now. :)

Are you writing?

I know you tell yourself you should journal whenever your deeper stuff comes closer to the surface and threatens your happiness, but then you forget and hope the deeper stuff never surfaces again once it settles down.

Until you trust yourself enough to trust your partner to be your closest confident who hears everything without restriction, you really ought to write. So this is a reminder. The words might bite, but they don't leave marks.

Not writing does.

Oooo, heavy huh?

Yeah, cuz not writing allows hiding, repression, suppression, and all the thinking errors that comes from that. The therapist knows. That's you, by the way :)

So here's a reminder, ok? Write.

And here's a distraction, right on time...

Someone from the roommate site wrote to me. A guy, 44 y/o working for the state and living with his mom in Deltona because he can't afford his own place. Seems to be a common theme in our world today. Anyway, this was my response (let me know what you think - don't sugar coat it lol :P :)

Hi D,

I've been renting a room from a nice guy in the ghetto area of downtown Sanford for over a year. I told him it would be for a month or two at the most lol. It is a five minute walk to my desk, but the occasional shootings in the area make it less than a pleasant idea. The space is too small, so I am paying for storage, and there are other reasons I want to share another space, but that's a discussion for another time if we decide we will be friends. My last roommate before this guy is one of my best friends and we are still closer than most brothers and sisters. I don't expect a roommate to be a best friend or family, but I am a caring person and when living in the same space with someone, friendships can happen. If you are a very private person who is not into making a new friend, that's fine too as long as we agree to polite sharing of space with compromises and boundaries we both can live with. I am flexible and do my best to see the positive and make the best of every situation. :)

Being so close to work is not the only reason I've been dragging my feet about moving out of here. I am seriously considering buying a house. I would not be able to afford anything more that a needy fixer upper unless I had income from renting a room or garage apartment or something and I am not sure I want to depend on that uncertain income with the risk of losing the house if I lose the extra rent. Still, I've been telling myself that if the right roommate came along, I'd definitely want to be out of here into a better place. Here I share a bathroom, don't use the kitchen or living room, don't have my bed or TV or comforts. It's just a place to sleep (and not a clean space outside of my room).

So where do we go from here? :)

Who are you? lol. You may be asking the same questions about me, so... I spend 50+ hours a week working for the County as the "County Safety Officer" and spend my free time playing softball, writing journals to myself, listening to music or TV, reading (mostly on the web rather than offline these days), and socializing with friends. I enjoy time home at the computer, especially while I am economizing as I am doing these days. My previous jobs paid about twice what I make working for the County, but I enjoy the job and will stay with it unless a dramatically better opportunity comes up. You can peek into my world on Facebook by looking up Bugs Webbot. I created the account some twelve years ago when "monikers" were the way to go and the name stuck. I am not there much, but friends post to the page now and then. I really don't like Facebook, but I secretly love it when they do (shhhh lol).

My profile summarizes what I want in a place and roommate, so ask me whatever you'd like to now. I believe in honesty and doing no harm. I try to live up to that ideal. I avoid the news and drama as much as possible, preferring to enjoy the moments of life in my immediate environment with those who care to share time and space and activities with me. I also enjoy being alone, in fact, I require alone-time and can find it anywhere inside my head (and by doing solitary activities).

There's also a part of me who longs to be in love again and I can smile at that with all the trauma of typical heartbreak songs (and laugh at the futility of life, love, and everything. Douglas Adams, Stephen King, Richard Bach, Robert Heinlein, and Dr. Seuss all speak to me. As do Harry Chapin, Jackson Browne, Bernie Taupin (Elton John), Billy Joel, Melissa Etheridge, Dan Fogelberg, Tim Rice (Andrew Lloyd Webber), and a whole lot of other pop-culture wordsmiths as well. I can cry at romantic comedies and laugh at horror films.

Maybe I've not pushed to move out of here because I am waiting to find the love of my life. lol lam.

I have an irreverent sense of humor and a different perspective of most things than most people. I mean no offense and to avoid misunderstanding and arguments, I often nod and keep my opinions to myself, unless I trust the person in the conversation. I trust way too easily, but trust no one on some levels. I do not want to stop believing in the goodness of nature and the human heart in spite of the evidence to the contrary.

That's not always easy :)

If I've already shared way too much, just say so. I respect boundaries and different opinions, even those I believe to be wrong or harmful. I just do my best to avoid the harmful and ignore the wrong.

That's not always easy either. :)

Hopefully you are smiling at my attempt to introduce myself. After all, if we are to take sharing living space and expenses seriously, we should find some basic understanding of each other and trust we will care about each other and the stuff we keep in our living space. I don't have much stuff for a living room, most of my stuff is kitchen or bedroom or clothing stuff. I will want to buy a recliner and we can talk about anything else we want to put into the apartment or house if we decide we are compatible roommates.

So... your turn? :)

Call if it's easier. I tend to ramble on when I write (you'd never have noticed, right?). I also tend to mock myself a lot. lol and lam (laughing at myself). My writing is a form of therapy and is mostly to myself, but there was a time I had many correspondents (pen pals) and even published small magazines for writers and pen pals. A lot of my babbling (as I call it) ends up on the web in obscure "blogs" and I don't think it's a desperate attempt to find fame and fortune, but I'd certainly accept the fortune if it came my way. :)

Hopefully all these words have not ended the beginning of a beautiful friendship (so I'm not Bogart, but I can hum a few bars :)

Hope to hear from you and find some time to get together and explore what we want in a roommate and where we might find a place we both like. We don't have to sing the "getting to know you" song. :)

I don't proofread so hopefully any typos amuse rather than confuse. Tell me about you?

Make it a great week.


So, E...... who else knows me well enough to tell me the truth, after all?

Make it a good day, let me know how you are (notes done? Yahoo? Kids? Relationship? Most important of all, you?). And make time for yourself. Write!

Cuz I really do care, ya know? :)

Monday, July 9, 2018

The Only Limit is Death

I may still head out to some 24 hour store to get more chocolate milk and some other ridiculously inappropriate and irresponsible snacks even though I have some and it's after midnight and I have work tomorrow and I just spent 12 hours in the car snacking and eating junk food on a drive back from Nashville after two days of softball and more food after a 14 hour drive up to Nashville on Friday, just because I can. Doctors would caution against it, but like that guy in City of Angels who ate that huge pastrami sandwich right after a heart attack, I'll enjoy life until there is no more life to enjoy.

I'll return to a healthier mindset and behavior tomorrow.

This sets the scene for the next letter, inspired by all the kind and well-meaning people I've known who've suggested that I will find someone (as in a life partner) when I am ready if I'll just compromise and have more realistic expectations and conform to common sense and our culture more.

Alas, nobody has ever really known me very well (as Bugs would say, paraphrased).

See, this is Real
(the reason for my loneliness)

I get the bug in my head to drive to Nashville at the last minute because I had to be back at 1PM Monday to do orientation at work and I did not want to disappoint the boss and it would cost $500 extra dollars for an early Monday flight... to spend two days playing ball in the summer sun and heat and who's gonna do that with me?


Both road trips were off the beaten path, lost for a little while thanks to faulty GPS tech (which to me is fun... the getting lost part, not the faulty tech), and who's gonna enjoy that? More than 24 hours on the road, mostly in the car. And now I get back after all the adventures, good and bad, and all I want to do is stay up all night playing and sharing and doing whatever and who's gonna want to do that with work in the morning?

So I know the answer... I just need to meet more people, maybe lower my standards, compromise, and not be so impulsive and irresponsible and unpredictable and off the beaten path and, ultimately, conform more... but is anybody gonna compromise back and share an impulsive irresponsible silly free-wheeling weekend like this with me?

An adult?


Fat chance.

All the logic and rational thinking points to the probability of finding someone who is truly compatible with me about as likely as Don Quixote winning his war against the windmills or Ahab catching his whale. Any counselor would tell me I need to grow up and conform to society and so on... Peter Pan is a fantasy. Quixote is a story. Ahab dies. But what if I really do not want to live in this real world everybody seems to think is all there is? What if the present collective human reality is all just a sad self-destructive delusion?

From my perspective, looking at humanity, it is.

No common sense. I used to hear that a lot from a friend when I was about 11 or 12 or so. Hi Jack. The guy was not a dreamer, but this world agrees with him, so he's considered right.

What if that really doesn't matter to me?

So anyway, not expecting any sort of response right now or anytime, I'm gonna drink chocolate milk and write to myself (and anyone who might ever care to read someday) and maybe to my windmill or whale or the one (compatible partner) and dream of being in love and sharing living happily ever after.

I mean, anybody can liv happilly ever after, it's finding the right person to do it with that is the magical mystery tour of life (some might call a miracle, wonder of wonders and all).

I'll somehow survive all the extra calories, carbs, and other chemical imbalances, not to mention lack of sleep, health issues exacerbated by my irresponsible self-indulgences, financial hardships, extended unhealthy living conditions (I get back here to find out that now we have mice or rats and he drowned one in the bathtub), and whatever else... and I'll do my best to get to orientation on time.

But tonight I am going to continue my own private lonely road trip party just cuz I want to and if that kills me, well, I'll die having fun.

So all kidding aside, you know anyone who might even be anywhere close to wanting to share a little time, a weekend, no less a life with someone like me?

I'm open to meeting that person, so open I scare most everyone away lol :)


Think a counselor would have any answers I have not already tried? :)

I don't disrespect the profession and I do know the value of counseling, therapy, and educated mental health professionals. I just do not want to pay to hear something I've heard many times before, especially when I disagree with most solutions considered logical, rational, or right in this culture.

And in the end (Beatles reference intended)...

I joke a lot, but when I am most serious I am simultaneously happier and sadder than anyone I've ever met - and that makes me happy to be me just the way I am, when I am most serious. Most of the time I am just distracting myself until someone who wants to be serious with me comes along.

Did I mention I had a full blown Potty Emergency (See: The Animaniacs) tonight?

So in case someone might want to share a little wacko time with me, I'll be partying in my head, right here waiting, in case the one (or even the right counselor) shows up :)

Hope you wake up today with more determination and will than ever before to do what you need to do to get and keep what you want in life :)

When you fly, I will cheer and be your parachute
When you fall, I'll be there to help you up,
Cuz that's what family does :)

love, love, love,

Friday, July 6, 2018

Someone I Used To Know

Tonight (or some night among many nights), a friend told me about some guy renting rooms in his houses and I thanked him, but the location was way too far from work or softball and I do not want to add the stress and time of driving an extra 90-150 minutes every day. He does not get out much, doesn't work, and so it seems he did not think about the travel time for someone who works full time and plays a lot of ball. In thanking him and explaining why I do not want to talk to the guy with the place in the location he suggested, I explained life as I've known it for some time and while this might have been a very depressing letter at one time, it is reality and accepted as such, I do not succumb to the pity party that the living situations I've known could turn into.

Girls just wanna have fun, wherever they are, after all.

So without further ados or adonts, and with the brain seriously shutting down after a very long 4 days of very little sleep and a whole lot of softball (did I mention this was written another night?), I give you the result of some reality-quest game of introspective exploration of the rhymes and reasons of the current events and status of life in this physical world over the past few years.

Or something like that.

I appreciate you trying to help me find a better place. I am just very reluctant to move into another situation where I do not have the freedom to relax as I'd like to. If the mice/rats that moved into the space above the ceiling eat through the ceiling or walls and start eating the food stuffs in the living space, I may have to take whatever I can find, but I would rather not go sideways into another unknown sharing a bathroom with a stranger and living like a refugee out of a suitcase and boxes. I've been doing it for more than two years (in this space more than a year) and I really don't want to make another move until I find a pace where I can have more space, my own bathroom, and some reasonable kitchen and living space sharing. Cleaner, most definitely. The old saying the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know - the devil I know, here, I have some control over. He tolerates the bleach smell in the bathroom (because I spray with diluted bleach to disinfect at least daily) and he leaves me alone. I use the laundry and the microwave and have a little fridge space and do everything else in "my room."

It's a confining limited sometimes uncomfortable life with no cough or recliner to sit on, just a desk chair and folding tables as a "desk" and just an air mattress to sleep on, but it's 3 minutes from work and as I said above, I can clean my way.

Ok, too much seriousness is worse than diaper rash. I am so tired, most of the brain cells have shut down for the night. I am also grumpy because I pigged out on high calorie junk food over the weekend and put the brakes on that hard today only eating some chicken and a protein drink. I am back to a 800-1000 calorie daily diet for the next few weeks, maybe longer. My comfort food gone, the grumps are always close to the surface. But I must do it for health reasons so I will do it for health reasons and suffer emotionally for a while. Life has changed so much since when we first met. I had much more income and savings and energy and optimism and motivation and resiliency and other magical stuff. I am on a path to finding the non-material stuff in a life with much less money and zero savings in spite of the challenges low income and zero savings brings every day.

Ground control to Major Tom...

Now you have been updated on the conditions and situations and circumstances and experiences, however momentary, so thanks for caring and listening and singing frog songs. Fred is happy. Major Tom is drifting. Wacko is still waiting for me to come out to play again. And I still have hopes of finding love and laughter and living happiily ever after with the soulmate-partner of my dreams. Even if it is just in my dreams. )

I should eat more fruit.

la la la,
me and my shadow

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Letter to Harpo (I Think)

Therefor I am? Well, whether this will be the start of something new in this blogosphere (aka the written gardens) or whether this is just another letter to a friend may depend on Harpo's response, if there is one, but whatever may be (may be), this is an update on life written to Harpo (maybe you guessed that already?) instead of calling because Eb is asleep and I drop it here because I am not sure where else to put it. Or something like that. Maybe.

See, this is the life I live. I get home from work and the roommate is fast asleep. I wake up to get ready for work and the roommate is fast asleep. This place is so small that if I got on the phone, I'd wake him up. I respect a roommate when they are sleeping and don't make noise or phone calls, so I didn't call. I have a dozen things must do before I get to sleep (which must be early) so I can be all set to hop in the car and drive the 10 hours to Nashville and be there by mid-afternoon so I can do what I need to do there before it's time to get a good night sleep tomorrow night so I can be wide awake and at my best for a full day and evening of softball in what might be blazing heat starting at 7:00 AM. Repeat on Sunday. Then drive back Sunday night to do an orientation by 1:00 PM Monday.

Must sleep lots tonight.

I did not get a protective case for my brand new $1000+ phone (crazy, isn't it?) because I simply ran out of time and that is about eighth on the list of very important things I need to do as soon as possible. Several must be done tonight (clean out car, sort through stuff to pack what I need for the trip {it gets very expensive if I do not take everything I need and I don't have the luxury of just heading out the door and buying whatever I need wherever I am like I used to, alas, Trump did it, I'm sure of it. He's probably tweet about it in the morning lol}, and several other things I really must remember to have a safe trip).

I also seldom call from this room on the hot nights because the fan roars like the soothing white noise of a jet engine. I wonder if you'd be able to hear me on the speaker on the new phone with the fan going? I keep a high-speed fan on most of the time here now since the thermostat is usually set at 84 and the place is not well insulated. Did I mention I sent out a dozen more roommate messages on the roommate website last night? There's always hope. I know, because I am always hoping. Even when I'm moping, I'm still hoping. Even when I was doping, I was still hoping. It's my way of coping, to just keep hoping. Like some fish just keep swimming I just keep hoping :)

Now that I've roped you in with my flair for silly rhyme, I must go back to getting ready for the trip. Imagine how we would drive each other crazy on a ten hour car ride. You'd probably need drugs with me driving lol :)

I ate real food today. I mean bacon and bread and potato and macaroni salads and all sorts of more. Lunch was probably 2000 calories. First time all week. I was doing so well, but then, I was feeling the fatigue. Gotta eat calories sometime after all lol. I'll eat mostly normally at least a few meals this weekend and hopefully will not gain back the weight I lost. Gotta find a scale one of these days to prove the weight loss isn't all just in my head too.

Time to stop this crazy thing.

George Jetson and Astro

Sunday, July 1, 2018

Say It Again, Until It is Heard

And another one down and another one down and another one bites the dust. What is biting the dust is fear, confusion, doubt, insecurity, and all the obstacles that fear can build or create. After six letters to four different people, clarity is refined to a wonderful understanding and that is a euphoric experience. I used to get here every time I sat down to write. Sometimes it would take three rhymes.Apparently it is taking longer and the rhymes don't even flow, but I am getting there once again.

Letters to friends can expose who I am, in case it matters, in case you want to know. Whatever you want, I want to know, so I say it again ad will continue until I hear it. Even if it takes longer than it used to. Even if it takes forever, I will wait for me. Cue the music. :)

Thank you for responding. I was waiting for you to tell me your idea about a phone, but realized I can't wait and must make a decision. I'm still curious though :)

I am surprised and touched that she remembers me enough to miss me. :)

There are many people in this world who believe men and women can't be very close without being either siblings or lovers. It is a sexually repressed culture we live in that leads to that stereotype. I think it's the same repression that leads to homophobia, though they are not the same reaction or conclusion. Such a need to conform and not be free to explore or express individual feelings. I wonder how to teach children that boys and girls can be friends without sexuality or romance. Anyway, we can be amused, correct her, and let it be. :)

When someone misunderstands what we say or do, I think the best we can do is patiently say it again, until it is heard.

Depending on practice time (if there's no rain), it may not be until 2ish before I get up there since it's 30 minutes from fields to here, then 30 minutes to shower and change if I can get right into the bathroom, then 30 minutes to you. I guess I will leave laundry until Wednesday. I was going to do the final phone shopping tomorrow because I leave for Nashville Friday morning next weekend and Monday and Wednesday nights are softball, Tuesday nights I usually stay later at work, and Thursday night I'll need to pack. Guess I should have shopped for the phone today but I wasn't sure when you'd want to get together during her visit and decided to give myself a day for writing and relaxing and spending no money and eating low calories to reset my habits cuz diet and spending needed to be reset again. It's tough to do living here, so I am hoping the women with the room responds favorably and is not insane lol.

I laid down earlier as I said I would, watched some TV, fell asleep, then woke hungry, drank a protein shake and sat down here to write.

Writing is my therapy. For a reader, it may seem like whining, complaining, being negative, pathetic, or any other sort of unhealthy behavior, but it is the healthiest thing I can do to understand myself, figure out what I want, what to do, and how to express myself. It's an escape without drugs or food or anything physically unhealthy (except for sitting uncomfortably for too long sometimes) and when it is not an escape, it allows everything inside to pour out and once out, it's resolvable and most important, it's not longer inside. Writing is clearing my head like some do with meditation or other activities. Except writing actually directly confronts thoughts and feelings in words.

I wonder if you are starting to understand how healthy writing is for me.

I hope you are less afraid of it than you once were.

It is freeing. An intellectual and philosophical purging of everything inside that almost always leads me to clarity, amusement, resolution, and a better place.

I find I can be fearless as I trust myself to free associate and think/feel/and find words to express thoughts and feelings without self-consciousness or inhibition.

Without fear, comes honesty. With honesty, come clarity. With clarity, come peace and security through resolution of confusion, conflicts, or obstacles. Amusement and happiness follow, amusement at the artificial dramas and futile conflicts I can create by limiting my awareness (closing my eyes, hiding, denying, avoiding, excusing, disassociating, deluding myself, and so on) that leads to unnecessary worry and lack of boundaries and irrational fears. Happiness that I can stop that, at least for a while, and understand how to accept (serenity) and improve what I can improve leads to euphoria.

If that makes any sense to you, and I hope it does, then maybe you can see through your fear to see the good I get out of writing and not be so concerned or worried or sad when I express doubts or fears or any other weakness. The way I see it, to find the light, one must explore the darkness. To find clarity, one must create it by exploring the confusion. To experience peace, one must step into and expose the war that goes on within one's self. To me, it is more scary to hide, deny, avoid, or pretend than it is to tear away the facade and expose the mess - for it is only by exposing the mess that any real meaningful effective cleaning up can begin. The alternative is to continue making the mess and hoping it will not trip me up or even, drown in it. Writing gives me control of myself and that allows more control of my life experience. That's the best we can do in this life.

I feel wonderful, refreshed, euphoric even, after finding the words to figure myself out enough to understand and gain control over my experience. Then I can let go again, trusting myself to do what is best for me and those my life might affect.

When the writing gets repetitive or rambling as it does often, that's just my way of continuing to share and I do it because it keeps the loneliness at bay and keeps the hope alive that someone might find the words and find some value and reach out and share something. Through sharing, we are less alone. I love being alone most of the time, but I also love sharing.

So I share this way. With myself. With hope someone else might come along and want to share back.

Clarity is better than sleep sometimes :)

I hope you find it too in your own way.

I hope you sleep well tonight. :)

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Sort of An Update

There once was a best friend who who became too dependent. She calls it co-dependent, and so the books define her. I think we all have some of the tendencies to over-depend on others, but I also think labels are foolish excuses that allow us to accept too many mistakes without correcting them. Even taking a drug that is supposed to fix them, that is dependency I do not understand. I love the effects of some drugs, but to need a drug daily to be ok, that's a place I never hop to let myself get to and I do believe it is a choice more than anything else. Self-control is a lost art in modern society.

All that, and then there's this. Make of it what you will (I'd love an opinion outside of my own head lol, but don't expect me to accept it as right and true if I don't know you and you don't justify it, word). This blog, meanwhile, is mostly about me and what is or may be revealed in letters to friends. Could there be secrets I don't even know about myself? Could there be secrets I don't even realize I reveal here? Is this some form of co-dependency too?

I welcome input as I share for though I write primarily for myself, to keep myself company and learn about myself and express my feelings, I also write and share words online because I want someone to know me, to help me paint the big picture, and to share.

Or something like that. :)

Heard from old friend, best friend in high school, he's retired and in Palm Beach now.

Heard from pen pal from India, only exchanged a few emails, he or she praises me a lot.

Emailed a woman in Longwood about a room. Still would be a room in someone else's home, but would be my own bath, hopefully a better sharer, and above all else, cleaner. Hopeful, if she responds. $600 a month with a $600 deposit, $50 more a month than I pay here. Looks like a decent house in a better neighborhood, though I'm not positive. More reason to stop spending $, especially until the car is fully paid off. Then I am going to think about buying a house if I can find one in a decent area for $150,000. Brandy is right about Volusia county being cheaper than Seminole, but I've got to consider the trips to softball. No worries, I wouldn't call you any more than I do not if I lived closer. Seriously. I just need to find a place I can afford and I'll hibernate mostly. If I can find a place similar in size to yours, it would be ideal. I could bring all of my stuff out of storage and have $280 a month more for living. Then I could even think about selling stuff on eBay or Amazon an earn more $ that way. The house would probably have to be a fixer-upper, but it makes sense cuz mortgages are lower than rent.

I also thought about living in a senior living center, but that seems scary. I haven't explored those yet. The thing is, I just haven't been able to find a roommate to share space and expenses. I've been on a roommate site for more than two years, sent dozens, many dozens of messages. The las two times I tied this site I found a roommate in a few months and in a month, respectively. I think age has a lot to do with it, but it could be a lot of other things too. Anyway, though this living space gets to me and I have given up at times in the past couple of years, I am not giving up and just wanted you to know. That's a good thing.

We haven't shared in such a long time. I wish you'd find a way past your guilt so you can be my friend again :)


I so rarely know your reaction to my serious jokes :)

We wont go into my medical stuff just now... rolling eyes and acting all nonchalant lol (laugh with me, please?)

Ok, so I think I've decided on an iphone. I can get an 8plus for $25 a month. Much much better for my eyes. I am used to the iphone. The 7plus is $23 a month so it makes sense for $2 a month more to get the better phone. There are some differences worth the $2 a month. I don't think I want to get used to the Android again. I won't need to think about another phone for 3 years. Probably lol :)

The other option is buy the cheapest phone I can find, refurbished or used, keep not using it as much as I might because the screen is so small, and see how long it might last and wait until September (or later) when the next newest models come out but they probably will be more at least at first. Hopefully they won't be a big difference in the October models. Back in the 80's I was living so much more comfortably and buying all the latest tech. I was earning twice the national average, about what I make now. The economy really has screwed us middle class. Makes me wonder why more people don't see it.

So I must face and really deal with the fact I am still not financially ready to get an iPad or better computer. But to back up an iphone I'm going to have to get a better computer. I really don't know why I am having so much of a challenge living on $45K a year. The car payment probably is the biggest reason. Putting more into a retirement plan is another reason. Putting $200 (now $300 as of last month) into a savings account I don't touch is another reason. Paying $830 a month for rent and storage is another factor, but I was handling more when we were living together most months. Maybe the biggest difference is eating less economically because I don't have a clean fridge or kitchen. Not having any savings left may be a factor, but it still feels puzzling. When I worked for the psych hospital I was making $45K a year and I was able to save some money. Prices rise that much?

So I've renewed my effort to live healthier and more economically this weekend. No spending money this weekend and I will try not to all week except for the phone so I'll not stress over the Nashville next weekend. Then gonna try to spend as little money as possible the rest of July and August and then World Series trip to Tampa in September.

Based on this weekend, it is extremely lonely living this way.

Wish I had someone to talk to more often. Any ideas about why it is so challenging for me to find someone I can really relate to - and who can and wants to relate to me?

I'll appreciate any serious answer from you as a friend or my sister or a therapist, whatever works for you :)

Or just nod and send a hug as you usually do. I'm used to that :)

Thanks for listening, this has helped reinforce what I need to do.

I'll try to lay down and watch The Animaniacs now.

hug thanks, love you

Does this reveal too much?

Who makes the rules that answer that question?

I suppose I am still trying to understand the reason people create and accept so many boundaries, walls, secrets. What is privacy anyway and why do we need it? Because others will take advantage of us? Isn't it just the opposite, that secrets make us ore vulnerable than having nothing to hide? Or is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose? What is your philosophy and why do you choose it?

I'll be fine without answers. I rarely get answers. That does not stop my curiosity though. :)

So how are you? :)

Narf :)