Philosophers can debate, but for us human beings, I believe we do exist as solid (filled with liquid and gas) solitary beings even if no one ever knows we were alive, but it is how others perceive us that defines us beyond a sack of cells. To that end, I ask people who I am when people share this life for any extended period. Friends, family, roommates, the longer we share tie and/or space, the more defined we can be to each other.
This next letter comes to be along those lines.
I never really knew what you wanted from me other than help staying afloat financially, but I wanted to believe in the "BFF" term you kept using to describe me and I wanted to believe you wanted me to be in your life in some way. Maybe it's the way you are with friends and family. Maybe I am deluding myself to think you want a big brother and he might be me.
It's not sadness I am trying to express. It is uncertainty. I am who I am and will always be here for anyone I've ever loved and adopted in any way. I adopted you as my sister and I just don't know if that is too presumptuous or if you even want that.
I hope that makes sense and you understand.
I am not asking for anything more than clarity about what you want from me and who I am to you. Maybe I'm your parachute packed away in the back of your mind and life just in case you ever need a place to land. Maybe even that is not accurate.
So anyway, all this wondering comes about because the body is challenging me to go to the doctor cuz I've had diarrhea since Valentine's Day. I don't think they are connected lol, but then, who knows. It could be a lot of things. Reaction to antibiotics I was taking for an infected leg, food poisoning I thought I got from New Peking Buffet, sudden change in diet, appetite, weight loss, blah blah, could even be a parasite or virus or bacterial infection (someone suggested C Diff).
I am surprisingly ok with having no one to call other than 911 if I have that serious an emergency and I have no one I trust enough to put down as an emergency contact. I am just kind of wanting to understand where I am and who I am in life and part of that is understanding where I am and who I am to the people in my life.
I don't know if it is time to stop caring and shift you into the distance like Precious, Minnie, and others I've adopted along the way. Not that I stopped caring about them, but I just don't stay in touch much (though I do nudge Precious for her phone bill each month and she has started paying the last few months... yay for big girl responsibilities lol :)
Too much thinking? Too much reflections? Too much wondering?
Don't want to choose a "place" in this life I loosely call mine?
Just let the drift away happen without mentioning it cuz it's too awkward?
Maybe I don't know you as well as I think I do, but somehow... the last fits and yet - I don't know if you want it to fit because I think you are maturing and realizing that is the an-awareness that got you into all sorts of messes (financially and in relationships) in the past.
Is this me looking out for my little sister?
Or is this me butting in where I am not wanted?
Or me just wanting to re-define myself again?
Could just be me with too much time on my hands as I wait for the laundry to get done so I can have clean sheets and go to sleep. :)
Will I ever know? :)
My blogs have all the details of the body challenges and a lot more. I write in them pretending someone will care to know every little detail of this life I live someday. Would be nice if they came along while I am still alive, but maybe I'll be discovered like Van Gogh and be a beloved babbler (poet, sage, village idiot, I mean, like any good puppy, I'll accept any role for a little constant attention ya know?) someday by future generations.
A life ought to have some meaning, purpose, and proof of existence, after all.
Like the Who's in Whoville, I am here, I am here, I am here. :)
Someday someone will understand :)
So how are you?
me (whomever I may be :)