I'll return to a healthier mindset and behavior tomorrow.
This sets the scene for the next letter, inspired by all the kind and well-meaning people I've known who've suggested that I will find someone (as in a life partner) when I am ready if I'll just compromise and have more realistic expectations and conform to common sense and our culture more.
Alas, nobody has ever really known me very well (as Bugs would say, paraphrased).
See, this is Real
(the reason for my loneliness)
I get the bug in my head to drive to Nashville at the last minute because I had to be back at 1PM Monday to do orientation at work and I did not want to disappoint the boss and it would cost $500 extra dollars for an early Monday flight... to spend two days playing ball in the summer sun and heat and who's gonna do that with me?
Both road trips were off the beaten path, lost for a little while thanks to faulty GPS tech (which to me is fun... the getting lost part, not the faulty tech), and who's gonna enjoy that? More than 24 hours on the road, mostly in the car. And now I get back after all the adventures, good and bad, and all I want to do is stay up all night playing and sharing and doing whatever and who's gonna want to do that with work in the morning?
So I know the answer... I just need to meet more people, maybe lower my standards, compromise, and not be so impulsive and irresponsible and unpredictable and off the beaten path and, ultimately, conform more... but is anybody gonna compromise back and share an impulsive irresponsible silly free-wheeling weekend like this with me?
All the logic and rational thinking points to the probability of finding someone who is truly compatible with me about as likely as Don Quixote winning his war against the windmills or Ahab catching his whale. Any counselor would tell me I need to grow up and conform to society and so on... Peter Pan is a fantasy. Quixote is a story. Ahab dies. But what if I really do not want to live in this real world everybody seems to think is all there is? What if the present collective human reality is all just a sad self-destructive delusion?
From my perspective, looking at humanity, it is.
No common sense. I used to hear that a lot from a friend when I was about 11 or 12 or so. Hi Jack. The guy was not a dreamer, but this world agrees with him, so he's considered right.
What if that really doesn't matter to me?
So anyway, not expecting any sort of response right now or anytime, I'm gonna drink chocolate milk and write to myself (and anyone who might ever care to read someday) and maybe to my windmill or whale or the one (compatible partner) and dream of being in love and sharing living happily ever after.
I mean, anybody can liv happilly ever after, it's finding the right person to do it with that is the magical mystery tour of life (some might call a miracle, wonder of wonders and all).
I'll somehow survive all the extra calories, carbs, and other chemical imbalances, not to mention lack of sleep, health issues exacerbated by my irresponsible self-indulgences, financial hardships, extended unhealthy living conditions (I get back here to find out that now we have mice or rats and he drowned one in the bathtub), and whatever else... and I'll do my best to get to orientation on time.
But tonight I am going to continue my own private lonely road trip party just cuz I want to and if that kills me, well, I'll die having fun.
So all kidding aside, you know anyone who might even be anywhere close to wanting to share a little time, a weekend, no less a life with someone like me?
I'm open to meeting that person, so open I scare most everyone away lol :)
Think a counselor would have any answers I have not already tried? :)
I don't disrespect the profession and I do know the value of counseling, therapy, and educated mental health professionals. I just do not want to pay to hear something I've heard many times before, especially when I disagree with most solutions considered logical, rational, or right in this culture.
And in the end (Beatles reference intended)...
I joke a lot, but when I am most serious I am simultaneously happier and sadder than anyone I've ever met - and that makes me happy to be me just the way I am, when I am most serious. Most of the time I am just distracting myself until someone who wants to be serious with me comes along.
Did I mention I had a full blown Potty Emergency (See: The Animaniacs) tonight?
So in case someone might want to share a little wacko time with me, I'll be partying in my head, right here waiting, in case the one (or even the right counselor) shows up :)
Hope you wake up today with more determination and will than ever before to do what you need to do to get and keep what you want in life :)
When you fly, I will cheer and be your parachute
When you fall, I'll be there to help you up,
Cuz that's what family does :)
love, love, love,