Saturday, May 19, 2012

setting priorities

and sometimes i lament the lack of time to share the love inside and sometimes i remember that lament is wasting the moment that could be shared...


and while this may seem sad
to let go of a dream
it may only be life
however it may seem

so what's the point of living, really
when we die in the end
and what's the point of giving, really
does it make a friend?

and what's the point of sharing, really
when everyone goes away
and what's the point of caring, really
what makes someone stay?

and while this may seem sad
to always be alone
it may only be life
come and go on our own

so what's the point of crying, really
when we die in the end
and what's the point of lying, really
does it make a friend?

and what's the point of anything, really
the meaning we give it
and what's the point of life, really
just the way we live it

so why should it be sad
to face reality
it may be only life
and this may just be me

a song to contemplate
a song to understand
a song to meliorate
it's just an open hand

now reaching out to you
to share what living gives
for all we know is true
this is all that there is

so why should it be sad
to accept you and me
can share this moment now
make it all it can be

no it should not be sad
life is not just a dream
it is what we can share
right here, right now, a team

no it should not be sad
to accept you and me
can share this moment now
make it all it can be

let it be
let it be
let it be
just be
(with me)

Friday, May 18, 2012

sometimes secrets slip through

once again an unplanned communication reveals enough about me to copy and paste it here and i suppose that is a large part of what this blog space is about, a kind of reflective record of interactions with others that help me recollect, reveal, and record bits and pieces of myself for myself and anyone who might want to know... sometimes the obscurity respects privacy and sometimes it is just my playful way with words that seeks unique and maybe clever ways of writing what amounts to the same thing i've written all through this life... it is another side of me...

so the message was...

I may or may not have written the most to you in my life.
and i am charging up my zodiac strength to possibly find out what i will get you for my birthday.


and i woke from a refreshing slumber with an extra four plus hours cuz it is a day off and smiled at the text message that called me to write (a whole lot more than this) and the day continues, but for now, here is where it began...

and what do you want for your birthday?...

ah, but my birthday is april and yours is november, both the 6th, so there is time before either comes around on the calendar...

on the other hand, the calendar is meaningless to me most of the time and i have celebrated my birthday only two or three times in this life, which may be sad for some, but is as i know birthdays for me, so not as sad for me...

you wrote what i will get you for my birthday . . . like what you will get me for your birthday?... that is an interesting juxtaposition of pronouns - arrangement of words, that is...

what would you like to get me for your birthday?...

and writing...

wow, really?... i write more than i breathe sometimes... started when i could first hold a crayon, but got into writing a lot every day in my teens when i the girl i loved more than anything else in this life (more than myself) stopped loving me the way i loved her and that ending scarred me and started me on writing almost every day...

sometimes i write simple records of life, the hope is someone comes along (like her) who will want to know me so much that she will want to read every word... and sometimes writing is my therapy like it was in my teens - that is the babbling that few ever really understand cuz it rambles off on so many tangents that the threads of any meaning are hidden in the mass of words...

anyway, writing means a lot to me in many ways, from keeping me sane and functional and free in the 'real world' (out in public interacting and surviving with the other human beings) and happy in my own head understanding myself and what i want and how to get it...

some people don't care if they actually really share anything - like actually really understand each other...

that is sad...

i want to understand me... i want to understand you... so we can really share understanding and mean something we want to remember...

make sense to you?...

you may not want that, which is ok...

i wonder what you want...

(and do you know?)

i love days off :)


secrets?... what secrets? :)

Saturday, May 5, 2012

what was the question again?...

i nodded off a bit sitting here with the laptop on my lap... our conversation says 'about an hour ago' which inspires a laugh...so i see you left words and i look at them now... and i'll try to respond even not quite sure how...


that is how i started a response to a friend i had not heard from in a year or more in response to a somewhat cryptic mystic obscure statement/question:

"time goes backwards"

no, don't spend it ALL in WON plays

as for next time, i was wondering... have you found that some : pressure, pain, or symmetry is agreeable for the long term?

and i nodded off, as i said, and woke to ponder the words and found myself thinking about my history and the choices i've made and the rest of my response, for what it's worth, follows:

ah, the man speaks in riddles, "time goes backwards" and so many references come to mind, but having the internet handy, i will see what is outside of my head before i look inside... a song?... the obvious reference seems easy to find... and there is pulp fiction and other movies that use flashback and rewind and other narrative techniques... there are reverse cameras, ps3s has one i heard... and another song... going to princeton?... and in my head...

what if time goes nowhere...

and if not all in won plays, then lose sometimes?... this seems to blend into the next query, yes, there is much value in symmetry, in knowing both sides of a coin, in experiencing the pleasure and the pain... in the pain education can be found that provides more appreciation of the pleasure, but more, in the pain the decision comes, the decision of strength - how strong will i be?... when will i give up?...

in pressure it is very similar... from physical pressure to peer pressure to family pressure to societal pressure to conform, there is the decision... ultimately, the question - how much shall i compromise?... how much shall i do what i do not want to do in order to get what i want in this world, in this life, and from others?...

it is not a matter of finding a middle like everybody else, on the contrary, to those who demand (out of fear of extremes or fear of change) that we all sit quietly in the middle i say - there must be at least two extremes for there to be a middle...

some don't get that...

the question i faced in my journey through the extremes was - how much independence did i want?... i decided i wanted all the independence i could get, which mean drifting a bit through life but also working way more than i ever thought i would...

reeling in the years on my memory to answer this question, i remember running away to the army to be free of my parents rules and to be independent from their teat... that was a nightmare in many ways because i because i had to depend on the government for money to pay for the semi-independence i had and had to follow all the government rules that i did not like... and then i wandered a bit and decided the streets were not where i wanted to live for as independent as that seems, the choices of what to do are very limited and i wanted to do more than was available living on charity... so i got a job and worked for others and along the way, i found a niche that satisfies me at work even though i would still like more time away from woirk - but that is my compromise... i could have taken more, saved more, given less, and had more now - but i love the memories of the life i lived and i love the life i live now...

my independence came from working jobs i enjoy which let me do anything i want to do within acceptable limits...

did i cop out?... a little... might i have done it differently if i could?... maybe... am i happy?... yup... and in the end, i think being happy is the answer i want from myself most...

and now i wonder - what is on your mind?

what prompts the questions?

and if you have not answered the questions for yourself yet, what possible answers do you ponder?

hope you are well tonight :)



hence, the title (aye?), what was the question again? :)