what it's about

this is yet another bit of babbling introduction inspired by, well, introducing myself to a friend.. specifically, i finally (after almost two weeks) took some time to reach out to one of my friends to build a bridge that can bring us closer... being that anyone is welcome, almost, the open door i create with one friend eventually finds it's way online and this is the blog where i store these bits and pieces and long-winded babble that are potentially first drafts of autobiographies or guides to the writings or something like that... now that we've gotten that introduction clarified, this is what came out of an attempt to welcome a new friend into the written gardens (da da daahhhh)...

do you ever feel like you must be "on" when people are around because they probably would not like "off"? or even, does part of you live beneath the surface that nobody ever gets to see?... sometimes i think that describes me, sometimes i don't... i don't hide anything intentionally, i just share a lot less than i used to...

then again, there are depths within i have not visited in many years - and i do not mean depressions, i mean landscapes of memories, awareness, and personality that are simply sleeping because there is no time to indulge, to remember, to actualize... there are reasons beyond lack of time, but that is the primary reason (i mean, i am not taking the time to explore the reasons beyond lack of time due to the lack of time, but they are there)... now that i have more time, except for the constant screaming of "find an income fast" coming from the logical part of my brain, the depths long sleeping at stirring a bit (just a bit) and that is exciting, trepidations, and precarious (not always in that order, but still i feel a gleeful smile)...

I've played with words since memory began and have been writing words ever since i could first hold a crayon... i think in rhythm and feel in rhyme (and share a few words from time to time)... and I used to have more than 10,000 pages of rhymes and rambles online... and then there is music... music is the fluid carrying my spirit through my soul and words are the cells forming the bodies of my dreams... i spent so little time inside these days and so little time with music...

that is it for now, as an introduction of sorts... i do not allow myself the unlimited uninhibited writing time at the moment because i do not want to risk every possibility (one being find a mountain of sorts and live off the land and that would leave my roommie in the lurch and I do not want to do that)... part of me is considering taking the rest of the summer off and just indulging my every whim... if i find a job willing to let me start in September, I will likely do that (after counting pennies)...

and then, somewhat unexpectedly, the latest incarnation of what can loosely be called the hitchhiker's guide to the written gardens (da da daahhhh) kind of crept up on us like this (with soon to be added additional words because, well, that is what i do)...

a year or few ago, maybe four or six, ATT decided no more personal pages... before i could download the site i had there, those 10,000+ pages were deleted... poof, and i was gone from the internet after years of building the sites... don't trust free web host, even if you pay for another service they provide (phone)...

but there is hope... most of those pages are on a computer or disk somewhere in my boxes and someday i hope to make time to find them and then revise the links and put them back on the web... until then, there is the new stuff...

once upon a time, this was the personal site entrance (oooo, are we starting to write the guide?... well, maybe, but we we done with the intros a bit earlier, weren't we?... puzzled expressions all around as we proceeded ahead with several additional paragraphs above that might actually be becoming the hitchhiker's guide to {used to be here, the written gardens... still is, sort of, but so many of the links within this entrance no longer work... still, it's a historical document, so let's not get hysterical over what might have been moldy cheese}, cuz it was more like a guided tour through the written gardens {slowly i turn... reference to niagara falls abbott and costello, which, when this bit is fleshed out, should be accompanied by hyper-dramatic musical chords and the words slowly i turn each time the words the written gardens [da da daahhhh, slowly i turn] is mentioned}, yeah, that's the ticket {see you are witnessing the guide and subsequent skits and ultimate film version being created right before your eyes... shhhh, i have not copy written this email yet [BIG THUD]

pardon, s'cuse, we interrupt this parenthetic aside that interrupted the guide that was not intended to be written here but started to be written here anyway to bring you the following important announcement:

All Right Reserved (c) Candor Communication, 2012
[This includes this email and all other writings i added here]

we now return you to your regularly interrupted email...

which i hopefully just remedied and you too share in the excitement [feel free to overdramatize, it's just the working model first draft, after all] of the reincarnation of the explanatory notes for the written gardens [da da daahhhh, slowly i turn... oh yeah, now we're getting it... did i mention the sudden turn to the camera in the skit and film versions?] which shall continue now}, this could be monumental... epic, even, but we shall stop this parenthetic aside now as suddenly as it began) and alas, unfortunately, as with the main entrance, many links will not work due to the ATT fiasco (which was explained somewhere, but if not here, remind me to add it somewhere along the editing line, with a side of chocolate pudding please)... but many still work (links, that is... on that page above that was the subject of this writing before it was so innocently interrupted by the parenthetic aside monster) leads to this which is still not the page i recommend as a starting point, but the column on the left still work, mostly, the columns on the right are not so sure... but wait, there is the most recent way into the current writing... and before we quote emily littela...

so start here
yeah, we finally get to the link most recommended as a starting point (just be glad this is just the rough first draft because this link might not appear until chapter three or later in the final introduction, or perhaps even the end of the first volume)... the other two just give you background and unfinished business and the past, for what works, but the current rhymes and rambles are organized here... (opinions and complaints)

it is something around volume five or sixteen (or seventy, for all we know) of the complete works of the person i loosely call me, eighth edition (at least)... now as i mentioned on the phone, yesterday, i intended to eventually add a page for each site that would explain what each site was about, at least loosely... since i haven't done that yet, let's start here...

travel back in time with the dailies

this is where the daily writing goes, kind of like a diary or journal or, what do they call it now, a personal blog... the older ones are much more rambling, babbling, longer, meandering... the current one, (e)thereal or e-the-real (top link on the opinions and complaints links list at (opinions and complaints))

the second link, bullsugar, was kind of a side-saddle ride that couldn't decide if it was going to be a new daily replacing (e)thereal or what... it became what... at first i was almost impressed, and then, as with all of my other writing, i accommodated my humble relativity (or relative humility) that balances ego with altruism (or something like that) and accepted it as just another wonder wall upon which i splash pieces of brain and heart and occasionally other body parts...

the third, the funda, was what (e)thereal might have been had i gone more philosophical and less daily life rambling... it was a gift of sorts to an assorted few online writers way back when 24-hour blogathons were all the rage and presented pieces of brain in brief and even coherent bits for the fans around at the time... if you find time to visit the funda and start with the first post (click the archive link at the top, scroll down to the bottom, start with the bottom link, funda and witness the wit and wisdom for as long as you can stand it, then... try it sitting down)..

the fourth (link), we have only just begin... in RealTime™ was an attempt to find brevity in daily public writings after years of the babblings that was the fifth (link), behind the candoor, which was an attempt to unsapify (or diminish the emoness) of the preceding daily, planet candora, which is listed later in another section of the list of links because it did not really fit in with dailies even though it was the primary daily for a brief time...

the more kinda sorta legitimate (though still oddly different as the roots were embryonic) predecessor to behind the candoor was candor at live journal (for lack of a better name for the moment) also listed later in yet another section because it was sorta left hanging and in a what about bob? way, is temporarily disconnected and still somehow needs to be brought into the fold... then there is the deleted first journals that may be uploaded again someday (cuz there's always hope) and might be found partially here (unfortunately the links prior to 2003 were broken by att greed)...

and the other writing spaces in the alternate realities section are there because they are somewhat autobiographical, but more specialized than the dailies... and then there are all the other sections in the opinions and complaints list that maybe i'll explain those better if i ever get there...

so where were we? (i am surprisingly not sliding off on long and winding tangents nearly as much as i usually do, but then, as i said, i am not allowing myself the unlimited time, remember?... i said/wrote that when i said we were done with the intro (note, add wide-eyed stare here)... apparently, were were not quite completely done, but no worries, we should be done any time now, definitely within a fortnight, hopefully)...

so any of the other writing spaces linked at (opinions and complaints) that interest you (or that you have time for as you obviously have other things you can be doing that supersede wandering through the myriad of written gardens i've planted here, there, and anywhere on the web), just ask...

unfortunately, if you wish to engage the infinite improbability drive or the random entry generator, you are shit out of luck because the former is copy written and the later is broken... you can, however, simulate and manually operate the random entry generator by moving your mouse randomly over the links and clicking at whim and then continuing to move your mouse randomly over the links (and clicking at whim) on each subsequent page that the previous clicking at whim took you too... in the event of a page error, hit the back button and repeat the mouse randomly clicking at whim process hoping you avoid the link that took you to the page error, but in case you reach another page error, hit the back button and repeat the mouse randomly clicking at whim process hoping you avoid the link that took you to the page error, but in case... ok, let's not get too loopy...

on second thought, it is highly recommended (by me, even) that you utilize the guide that started above when we were done with the intros...

welcome to the written gardens (da da daahhhh...


ric
407-325-1482

PS... so what's up, ummmm, doc?

sometimes secrets slip through

once again an unplanned communication reveals enough about me to copy and paste it here and i suppose that is a large part of what this blog space is about, a kind of reflective record of interactions with others that help me recollect, reveal, and record bits and pieces of myself for myself and anyone who might want to know... sometimes the obscurity respects privacy and sometimes it is just my playful way with words that seeks unique and maybe clever ways of writing what amounts to the same thing i've written all through this life... it is another side of me...

so the message was...

I may or may not have written the most to you in my life.
and i am charging up my zodiac strength to possibly find out what i will get you for my birthday.

and i woke from a refreshing slumber with an extra four plus hours cuz it is a day off and smiled at the text message that called me to write (a whole lot more than this) and the day continues, but for now, here is where it began...

and what do you want for your birthday?...

ah, but my birthday is april and yours is november, both the 6th, so there is time before either comes around on the calendar...

on the other hand, the calendar is meaningless to me most of the time and i have celebrated my birthday only two or three times in this life, which may be sad for some, but is as i know birthdays for me, so not as sad for me...

you wrote what i will get you for my birthday . . . like what you will get me for your birthday?... that is an interesting juxtaposition of pronouns - arrangement of words, that is...

what would you like to get me for your birthday?...

and writing...

wow, really?... i write more than i breathe sometimes... started when i could first hold a crayon, but got into writing a lot every day in my teens when i the girl i loved more than anything else in this life (more than myself) stopped loving me the way i loved her and that ending scarred me and started me on writing almost every day...

sometimes i write simple records of life, the hope is someone comes along (like her) who will want to know me so much that she will want to read every word... and sometimes writing is my therapy like it was in my teens - that is the babbling that few ever really understand cuz it rambles off on so many tangents that the threads of any meaning are hidden in the mass of words...

anyway, writing means a lot to me in many ways, from keeping me sane and functional and free in the 'real world' (out in public interacting and surviving with the other human beings) and happy in my own head understanding myself and what i want and how to get it...

some people don't care if they actually really share anything - like actually really understand each other...

that is sad...

i want to understand me... i want to understand you... so we can really share understanding and mean something we want to remember...

make sense to you?...

you may not want that, which is ok...

i wonder what you want...

(and do you know?)

i love days off :)

secrets?... what secrets? :)

what was the question again?...

i nodded off a bit sitting here with the laptop on my lap... our conversation says 'about an hour ago' which inspires a laugh...so i see you left words and i look at them now... and i'll try to respond even not quite sure how...

that is how i started a response to a friend i had not heard from in a year or more in response to a somewhat cryptic mystic obscure statement/question:

"time goes backwards"

no, don't spend it ALL in WON plays

as for next time, i was wondering... have you found that some : pressure, pain, or symmetry is agreeable for the long term?

and i nodded off, as i said, and woke to ponder the words and found myself thinking about my history and the choices i've made and the rest of my response, for what it's worth, follows:

ah, the man speaks in riddles, "time goes backwards" and so many references come to mind, but having the internet handy, i will see what is outside of my head before i look inside... a song?... the obvious reference seems easy to find... and there is pulp fiction and other movies that use flashback and rewind and other narrative techniques... there are reverse cameras, ps3s has one i heard... and another song... going to princeton?... and in my head...

what if time goes nowhere...

and if not all in won plays, then lose sometimes?... this seems to blend into the next query, yes, there is much value in symmetry, in knowing both sides of a coin, in experiencing the pleasure and the pain... in the pain education can be found that provides more appreciation of the pleasure, but more, in the pain the decision comes, the decision of strength - how strong will i be?... when will i give up?...

in pressure it is very similar... from physical pressure to peer pressure to family pressure to societal pressure to conform, there is the decision... ultimately, the question - how much shall i compromise?... how much shall i do what i do not want to do in order to get what i want in this world, in this life, and from others?...

it is not a matter of finding a middle like everybody else, on the contrary, to those who demand (out of fear of extremes or fear of change) that we all sit quietly in the middle i say - there must be at least two extremes for there to be a middle...

some don't get that...

the question i faced in my journey through the extremes was - how much independence did i want?... i decided i wanted all the independence i could get, which mean drifting a bit through life but also working way more than i ever thought i would...

reeling in the years on my memory to answer this question, i remember running away to the army to be free of my parents rules and to be independent from their teat... that was a nightmare in many ways because i because i had to depend on the government for money to pay for the semi-independence i had and had to follow all the government rules that i did not like... and then i wandered a bit and decided the streets were not where i wanted to live for as independent as that seems, the choices of what to do are very limited and i wanted to do more than was available living on charity... so i got a job and worked for others and along the way, i found a niche that satisfies me at work even though i would still like more time away from woirk - but that is my compromise... i could have taken more, saved more, given less, and had more now - but i love the memories of the life i lived and i love the life i live now...

my independence came from working jobs i enjoy which let me do anything i want to do within acceptable limits...

did i cop out?... a little... might i have done it differently if i could?... maybe... am i happy?... yup... and in the end, i think being happy is the answer i want from myself most...

and now i wonder - what is on your mind?

what prompts the questions?

and if you have not answered the questions for yourself yet, what possible answers do you ponder?

hope you are well tonight :)

hence, the title (aye?), what was the question again? :)

ironicity

it may be time to give up on meaningful dialogue and retire to twitter...

but what i really want to know

and maybe this too...

Is the Higgs mechanism for generating elementary particle masses via electroweak symmetry breaking indeed realised in nature?

Is supersymmetry, an extension of the Standard Model and Poincaré symmetry, realised in nature, implying that all known particles have supersymmetric partners?

Are there extra dimensions, as predicted by various models inspired by string theory, and can we detect them?

What is the nature of the Dark Matter which appears to account for 23% of the mass of the Universe?


Are electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force just different manifestations of a single unified force, as predicted by various Grand Unification Theories?

Why is gravity so many orders of magnitude weaker than the other three fundamental forces? See also Hierarchy problem.

Are there additional sources of quark flavours, beyond those already predicted within the Standard Model?

Why are there apparent violations of the symmetry between matter and antimatter? See also CP violation.

What was the nature of the quark-gluon plasma in the early universe? This will be investigated by ion collisions in ALICE.

go ask alice?...

excerpts from letters to long lost loved ones

I am foolish for not being asleep, but I was celebrating my birthday with my future roommates (a girl and her dog) and suppose I am more wired than tired (which must be pretty wired cuz I am bleary blurry tired (head bleary, eyes blurry) and somehow I thought about you (perhaps because we were both born on a 6th, for whatever numerology or random associations like that may be worth… I hear the stars talking some nights, wishing they would talk to me… they seem to hear my wishes and smile, or maybe that’s just the twinkle that comes as my eyes water from fatigue or some emoness)… and somewhere in my mind I remember reading (or reading about) the electric kool-aid acid test and other rather free associative rambles that made radical drug use and intellectual rebellion popular in the 60’s when cool was in and love was free and hair was long and people could be less afraid to be together and share honesty without egocentric competition or pretentious mind games intended to provoke or scare others into giving attention they are afraid to ask for in a direct caring way because deep down they are afraid they are not good enough to deserve honest love or genuine caring so they distort everything within their own minds and turn every interaction into a conflict they way so many people do today… better to remember reading…

and better to be alone for it always hurts when I lie to myself (but how to know when I do if I believe myself all the time and how to believe myself all the time if I lie to myself intermittently as any psychobabbler knows inconsistent reinforcement develops the some of the most illogical and unhealthy and anti-social habits, but not to be outdone the pretend of madness grows in the garden on the other side of the wall (once there was a madhouse, high and tall, walls crept over with vines… older than the nature, hear the call, said he was a friend of mine… gazing up at starlight, gave my all, some will smile, some will frown… would it even matter, afterall, if no one was looking down… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… attention, nothing more… once there was a loner, high and lost, fear distorted his mind… in his lonely wanders, damn the cost, equal can be suicide… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… to be me, to be loved, to belong, nothing more… but who dares to know the truth that sets us free?... to belong, to be loved, to be anything, first, one must be…

I am…

except when I forget :}

but when I remember, I remember I need nothing no one nothing to be me, to be, to am… and then I can appreciate what is, all that is, and be part of and belong and finally share something real without fear or doubt or manipulative games… ah, to be without manipulative games… I remember it well… and I miss sharing the experience, but who will remember with me, no less actualize… lament is free, though it can demand a heavy price from those who feed it’s passionless crusade… and when all is left is anger, numb seems best… apologies are worthless when they get too repetitive… but still better than dead silence or angry noise, so continue striving for honesty in caring for all else is a waste of time unless one enjoys the meaningless soap operas more than actualized life, love, and the pursuit of happiness… security is just a state of mind, as is everything else…

I came here to remind you I care about you and want to know about your daily days and nightly nights… I could have checked the tweets or pretended to send random secret messages to the moon in five links, but instead, I came here because I am celebrating caring and want to care about you… damned emo of me, no doubt… and may you find some amusement (or profundity) in my ramblings inspired by this, that, and the other thing and the 6th day of the month… or something like that…

I hope you are smiling and feeling good, healthy, happy, and forgiving (if time requires it) or understanding living in the moment and enjoying this moment with me… I will continue to return, even if you don’t coax me… I hope you will do the same :)