Say It Again, Until It is Heard

And another one down and another one down and another one bites the dust. What is biting the dust is fear, confusion, doubt, insecurity, and all the obstacles that fear can build or create. After six letters to four different people, clarity is refined to a wonderful understanding and that is a euphoric experience. I used to get here every time I sat down to write. Sometimes it would take three rhymes.Apparently it is taking longer and the rhymes don't even flow, but I am getting there once again.

Letters to friends can expose who I am, in case it matters, in case you want to know. Whatever you want, I want to know, so I say it again ad will continue until I hear it. Even if it takes longer than it used to. Even if it takes forever, I will wait for me. Cue the music. :)

Thank you for responding. I was waiting for you to tell me your idea about a phone, but realized I can't wait and must make a decision. I'm still curious though :)

I am surprised and touched that she remembers me enough to miss me. :)

There are many people in this world who believe men and women can't be very close without being either siblings or lovers. It is a sexually repressed culture we live in that leads to that stereotype. I think it's the same repression that leads to homophobia, though they are not the same reaction or conclusion. Such a need to conform and not be free to explore or express individual feelings. I wonder how to teach children that boys and girls can be friends without sexuality or romance. Anyway, we can be amused, correct her, and let it be. :)

When someone misunderstands what we say or do, I think the best we can do is patiently say it again, until it is heard.

Depending on practice time (if there's no rain), it may not be until 2ish before I get up there since it's 30 minutes from fields to here, then 30 minutes to shower and change if I can get right into the bathroom, then 30 minutes to you. I guess I will leave laundry until Wednesday. I was going to do the final phone shopping tomorrow because I leave for Nashville Friday morning next weekend and Monday and Wednesday nights are softball, Tuesday nights I usually stay later at work, and Thursday night I'll need to pack. Guess I should have shopped for the phone today but I wasn't sure when you'd want to get together during her visit and decided to give myself a day for writing and relaxing and spending no money and eating low calories to reset my habits cuz diet and spending needed to be reset again. It's tough to do living here, so I am hoping the women with the room responds favorably and is not insane lol.

I laid down earlier as I said I would, watched some TV, fell asleep, then woke hungry, drank a protein shake and sat down here to write.

Writing is my therapy. For a reader, it may seem like whining, complaining, being negative, pathetic, or any other sort of unhealthy behavior, but it is the healthiest thing I can do to understand myself, figure out what I want, what to do, and how to express myself. It's an escape without drugs or food or anything physically unhealthy (except for sitting uncomfortably for too long sometimes) and when it is not an escape, it allows everything inside to pour out and once out, it's resolvable and most important, it's not longer inside. Writing is clearing my head like some do with meditation or other activities. Except writing actually directly confronts thoughts and feelings in words.

I wonder if you are starting to understand how healthy writing is for me.

I hope you are less afraid of it than you once were.

It is freeing. An intellectual and philosophical purging of everything inside that almost always leads me to clarity, amusement, resolution, and a better place.

I find I can be fearless as I trust myself to free associate and think/feel/and find words to express thoughts and feelings without self-consciousness or inhibition.

Without fear, comes honesty. With honesty, come clarity. With clarity, come peace and security through resolution of confusion, conflicts, or obstacles. Amusement and happiness follow, amusement at the artificial dramas and futile conflicts I can create by limiting my awareness (closing my eyes, hiding, denying, avoiding, excusing, disassociating, deluding myself, and so on) that leads to unnecessary worry and lack of boundaries and irrational fears. Happiness that I can stop that, at least for a while, and understand how to accept (serenity) and improve what I can improve leads to euphoria.

If that makes any sense to you, and I hope it does, then maybe you can see through your fear to see the good I get out of writing and not be so concerned or worried or sad when I express doubts or fears or any other weakness. The way I see it, to find the light, one must explore the darkness. To find clarity, one must create it by exploring the confusion. To experience peace, one must step into and expose the war that goes on within one's self. To me, it is more scary to hide, deny, avoid, or pretend than it is to tear away the facade and expose the mess - for it is only by exposing the mess that any real meaningful effective cleaning up can begin. The alternative is to continue making the mess and hoping it will not trip me up or even, drown in it. Writing gives me control of myself and that allows more control of my life experience. That's the best we can do in this life.

I feel wonderful, refreshed, euphoric even, after finding the words to figure myself out enough to understand and gain control over my experience. Then I can let go again, trusting myself to do what is best for me and those my life might affect.

When the writing gets repetitive or rambling as it does often, that's just my way of continuing to share and I do it because it keeps the loneliness at bay and keeps the hope alive that someone might find the words and find some value and reach out and share something. Through sharing, we are less alone. I love being alone most of the time, but I also love sharing.

So I share this way. With myself. With hope someone else might come along and want to share back.

Clarity is better than sleep sometimes :)

I hope you find it too in your own way.

I hope you sleep well tonight. :)