like a memory

oh so amazing the magical first site of love that I knew once upon a time and meg and dia she takes me back there from a distance, afar off memory not quite a fantasy (sometimes a fantasy is all we need, but not all the time) so once again the magic calls from deep within and I don’t make the time (what, fools rush in and that is why the things we do for {what’s that song, where’s that tape, love, who was that… oh, once upon a time)… just dare me to jump and see what happens :)

and when i want more

i might whine aloud (or in print in relative public, like right here, for instance) and while it may start with self-pathetic pouting (or even venting re: the antiblog, look it up in the blogs of rhyme and prose i write below), it always ends up with a happy confirmation of my belief in myself (even if that is delusional) as you might see in the process exposed to words below...

so i will just keep deluding myself into believing my few minutes (or hours, sometimes) a day putting videos online in my own pop news blog (that amuses me with stories and information I find in the news or on youtube or somewhere, some tongue in cheek, some controversial, some serious, some irreverent) or in my more personal video me blog (where I put videos that touch me, reflect me, affect me, and in some ways, represent me)… and the time I take to write words in my current daily life blog which is what it is, a record of the life I live and it matters to me…

even if no one ever cares to share any of it…

and all the rest, the bullsugar and blogs of rhymes and prose i write and even the deleted pages (which I will do my best to find and re-upload one day cuz I care, again, even if nobody else ever does), they matter, even if that is just my delusion and I am a fool for believing it…

but I’m not…

education

education is the wisdom that remains after you've forgotten the details...

response to a thank you

from an old friend, childhood classmate, who published a book that i have been cheering and sharing all over the internet and life too... this may be the first evidence of life amidst the brain cells (babble-life, that is) in more than a year, or longer or shorter depending on perspective... it's a good sign, we hope, whomever we are... the inquiry in the thank you note for applauding her book was about life, the usual, marriage, kids, relationships, and of course, etc... here's your chance to get to know a bit about the life i've led, or lead, depending upon language...

ah, family and all... I have not married, had two long (more than a few years) term relationships (1981-91, 1993-99), the first was live-in for nine of those years, the second was live-in for two of those years)... i love my independence as much as i love sharing (have a roommate at the moment)... created no kids, sort of (financially and emotionally, not legally) adopted a few along the way, mostly short-term, two for the duration (life)... they are grown, one (28y/o) calls me daddy, another (21y/o) is still on my phone bill for her phone... ironically, i was platonic friends with both of their parents... currently single and not looking (much), but not opposed to adventure either... I tend to be smiling (or smirking, even, as I play with words {write, that is}, but it is my head I play with and me I mock most, which is good cuz I’m usually the only one who gets all the jokes… questions get answered and actual meaningful information finds it’s way into the missives between parentheses and babble) as I write, though if I included smiley faces every time I smiled or laughed at myself or references, the page (box) would be spotted with smiley faces and lols (or lams, which would be laughing at myself)… I apparently have picked up a bit of the online computer lingo… as you are bound to see if we exchange more than a message or few, words are my silly (some might say childish) sanctuary from the seriousness of the life we live as ‘grown-ups’, especially since I work a lot and my work can be considered too serious to be much fun…

back to the questions… I lived in California for a couple of years in the 70s and roamed around until '78 when I returned to Brooklyn to replenish the bank account... worked for the state (with institutionalized MR/DD kids) until 1990 when i moved to Florida, semi-retired until 1999… lived in Toronto and Buffalo 95-97, the things we do for love (gave up a house and, well, everything except what is still in storage just north of Niagara Falls, which reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello or Three Stooges bit, but that’s a distraction and I won’t babble on too much in a facebook note as they have character limits and it can get quite challenging to follow the threads of thought-paths spiraling through my head… though as I may have mentioned in a previous parenthetic aside, it amuses me and as a side benefit, let’s me know who my friends are)… Toronto was beautiful, but it is another country so I had to keep a US address… returned to Orlando to start over (nothing like the John Lennon song, I think), working at a psychiatric hospital for kids since 2/2001 in a few different capacities, currently their risk manager and quality director (high falooting title aside, I love the work)…

what else counts as etc? :)

you are very welcome for my cheers, I love the written word, having poured many millions on to paper and computer screens in this life (never formally for publishing… writing remains one of my favorite forms of communication, though I’ve been away for a while and mostly communicator {or is it pandering} in one-liner comments that is all in vogue these days)… so cheering on your writing endeavors is fun for me and your appreciation is icing on the cake :)

I received a copy of your book a week or so ago and have not found time to read yet, but it sits on my coffee table baiting me to dive in… when I do, I’ll let you know (and I apologize for the delay, I just don’t want to skim and have not been in the habit of fitting in time for savoring reading in recent years… like an old friend, I miss reading… and on that potentially profoundly emo-note, I shall wish you much success and wellness and happiness and thank you for including me in your celebration if only in this thank you note…

what else have you written (for yourself, others, as a pro or not) and what about your life, relationships, travels, work, and etc… if you have a bit of time, i’d like to know :)

ironicity

it may be time to give up on meaningful dialogue and retire to twitter...

but what i really want to know

and maybe this too...

Is the Higgs mechanism for generating elementary particle masses via electroweak symmetry breaking indeed realised in nature?

Is supersymmetry, an extension of the Standard Model and Poincaré symmetry, realised in nature, implying that all known particles have supersymmetric partners?

Are there extra dimensions, as predicted by various models inspired by string theory, and can we detect them?

What is the nature of the Dark Matter which appears to account for 23% of the mass of the Universe?


Are electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force and the weak nuclear force just different manifestations of a single unified force, as predicted by various Grand Unification Theories?

Why is gravity so many orders of magnitude weaker than the other three fundamental forces? See also Hierarchy problem.

Are there additional sources of quark flavours, beyond those already predicted within the Standard Model?

Why are there apparent violations of the symmetry between matter and antimatter? See also CP violation.

What was the nature of the quark-gluon plasma in the early universe? This will be investigated by ion collisions in ALICE.

go ask alice?...

excerpts from letters to long lost loved ones

I am foolish for not being asleep, but I was celebrating my birthday with my future roommates (a girl and her dog) and suppose I am more wired than tired (which must be pretty wired cuz I am bleary blurry tired (head bleary, eyes blurry) and somehow I thought about you (perhaps because we were both born on a 6th, for whatever numerology or random associations like that may be worth… I hear the stars talking some nights, wishing they would talk to me… they seem to hear my wishes and smile, or maybe that’s just the twinkle that comes as my eyes water from fatigue or some emoness)… and somewhere in my mind I remember reading (or reading about) the electric kool-aid acid test and other rather free associative rambles that made radical drug use and intellectual rebellion popular in the 60’s when cool was in and love was free and hair was long and people could be less afraid to be together and share honesty without egocentric competition or pretentious mind games intended to provoke or scare others into giving attention they are afraid to ask for in a direct caring way because deep down they are afraid they are not good enough to deserve honest love or genuine caring so they distort everything within their own minds and turn every interaction into a conflict they way so many people do today… better to remember reading…

and better to be alone for it always hurts when I lie to myself (but how to know when I do if I believe myself all the time and how to believe myself all the time if I lie to myself intermittently as any psychobabbler knows inconsistent reinforcement develops the some of the most illogical and unhealthy and anti-social habits, but not to be outdone the pretend of madness grows in the garden on the other side of the wall (once there was a madhouse, high and tall, walls crept over with vines… older than the nature, hear the call, said he was a friend of mine… gazing up at starlight, gave my all, some will smile, some will frown… would it even matter, afterall, if no one was looking down… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… attention, nothing more… once there was a loner, high and lost, fear distorted his mind… in his lonely wanders, damn the cost, equal can be suicide… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… to be me, to be loved, to belong, nothing more… but who dares to know the truth that sets us free?... to belong, to be loved, to be anything, first, one must be…

I am…

except when I forget :}

but when I remember, I remember I need nothing no one nothing to be me, to be, to am… and then I can appreciate what is, all that is, and be part of and belong and finally share something real without fear or doubt or manipulative games… ah, to be without manipulative games… I remember it well… and I miss sharing the experience, but who will remember with me, no less actualize… lament is free, though it can demand a heavy price from those who feed it’s passionless crusade… and when all is left is anger, numb seems best… apologies are worthless when they get too repetitive… but still better than dead silence or angry noise, so continue striving for honesty in caring for all else is a waste of time unless one enjoys the meaningless soap operas more than actualized life, love, and the pursuit of happiness… security is just a state of mind, as is everything else…

I came here to remind you I care about you and want to know about your daily days and nightly nights… I could have checked the tweets or pretended to send random secret messages to the moon in five links, but instead, I came here because I am celebrating caring and want to care about you… damned emo of me, no doubt… and may you find some amusement (or profundity) in my ramblings inspired by this, that, and the other thing and the 6th day of the month… or something like that…

I hope you are smiling and feeling good, healthy, happy, and forgiving (if time requires it) or understanding living in the moment and enjoying this moment with me… I will continue to return, even if you don’t coax me… I hope you will do the same :)

it's an empty box

sex on the beach?... actually, i thought there was something else in the clipboard when i pasted that first phrase, but there's nothing hornier than a freudian clipboard, so it slipped out... or in... the blog box, not empty anymore...

kind of not too unlike religion or the amazing miracle wonder drug commercials (praise delusions) on tv that are 90% warnings that you might simply DIE! DIE! DIE! if you take the drug but the truly amazing things are the smiley-happy disclaimers disowning all responsibility for anything harmful that might happen to you if you are stupid enough to pay them to risk your life like no worries take this wonder drug, but if you experience dizziness, headache, disorientation, numbness, slurred speech, difficulty breathing, drooling, chest pain, blindness, random unplanned movements, loss of bowel function, uncontrollable farting, bad breath, or sudden death while taking wonderdrug™, stop taking wonderdrug™ immediately and consult with your doctor...

anyway, there is always gonna be a secret link hidden in this blog to some moment of the real physical experience (or the world, even) because it's more mila kunis that way and not just drew barrymore of reasonable eyes dancing on a desk or undressing watching sheri appleby lifted by the stool which is why mini-skirts and talk shows are such a popular fantasy among young men of a certain age even from canada and leave it to craig ferguson to always bring out the stool (which is so not a poop joke, even if he is the fart joke king, back to mila now) at the right moment... lololol. . .

so we fill it with words...

so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?...

me!...

wow, this could be profound if i was stoned... amused?...

hey, that was an exclamation point after all... so is the point of me time to develop more of me to share so i can share more (cuz it's really not fair if i bring next to nothing and everybody else brings a lot, right?)... so there it is, the point of me time is to develop more me to share (as part of everything) with anyone who truly cares...

isn't it great to get life all figured out?

now, if only there was more me time :}