too much candor?

this post perhaps belongs in the super secret blog called too much candor that i don't link here because, after all, it is super secret and you do not have access (except if you do and then you know how to find it when and if you want to), but here it will be anyway cuz, well, it is a message inspired by someone and sent to them, so it's not so super secret anymore, now is it?...

a stranger on facebook and youtube who i fb-friend and yt-follow has shared the story of her experience with grandma who had a massive 99% debilitating stroke recently and her advocacy and frustration with the health care system and without getting into further detail or introductory fanfare, it inspired this comment...

your experience with your grandma is very personal for me and i just want to thank you somewhat personally here (as personal as strangers on the internet get i suppose) as i am not looking to bring people who know me down with a public comment simply stating the fact that what happened to your grandma will likely happen to me someday and i can only hope i luck out with the kind of care i will receive, but more likely i will either just be found dead or i will rot (and be abused or neglected) in some people warehouse we call public hospitals or public nursing homes... i've worked hospitals all through this life and know the reality... simply, i have no family or anyone close... your grandma is blessed to have you and you are blessed to have family... the point of this message (for me) is to let you know because you might understand and somewhere inside the hope that someone might understand inspires my smile, but even more, to thank you for sharing your story and your grandma because that also gives me hope that love and family are real and maybe even still possible for me (sounds so pathetically emo and depressing... apologies for you do not know me well enough to know i am not depressed over the aloneness in this life i experience, just sad sometimes and still hopeful)... so thank you, seriously, thank you more than words can say :)

and holy crap what a flood of videos and comments and babbling followed that was not even recorded for blog entries but some of which can be found in sites i saw... you are now returned to your regularly scheduled stuff...

cyberspace connections

sometimes the words, images, and music placed online by a stranger somewhere out there in this (or perhaps another) world inspires the desire to connect and stay connected for one or many reasons and in those moments i realize that this is what this life is about, the connections we can establish and maintain... even if the connection is never more than the literary sharing of reader and writer who never actually exchange personal communication, there is a magic and wonder beyond even the typical audience/artist connection of author and reader, no less actor and audience...

so to that end, this blog is a connection to the inspirations those strangers present and in some cases, my reactions...

i created a blog here on wordpress just so i could subscribe because your words (and the thoughts, feelings, images, music, and 'you' that you put into your words) appeal to me enough to want to stay in touch with you... even if it is no more than a cyberspace virtual literary connection, the connection, you, inspired my smile enough to want to maintain it... irony is that i stumbled across you in my web wanderings before i realized your family connection and that was sweet icing on a cake i was already enjoying...

your honesty - more, the way you appear to open your heart in your words, your longing for love, for acceptance, for meaningful connection is evident to me and hopes my attention because you are creative, diverse, talented, and fascinating in many ways... i have not had time to explore everywhere in your artistic and personal world, but i want to one day...

i hope the few moments i spend here sharing these words help you understand and believe that it does not matter if you know it or not, your worth might go unrecognized or not acknowledged by many out here who read you, but you have more than the number of recorded subscribers and even some of us do not always find the words to show you the appreciation you deserve... when you find yourself doubting whether your time and energy spent here or anywhere sharing yourself on line is worth it, please quell those doubts with the knowledge that most readers read in silence and that silence is not a reflection on you, but rather, it is a lack of time, or words, or simply, shyness...

you inspire me and many with your candor... that is so rare in this world... i look forward to the ways you will share yourself in this life... and my hope is you continue to share, expand, grow, learn your worth and express yourself in ways that actualize your dreams...

sometimes the applause is silent, but it is out here :)

take care of yourself jade, and please continue :)

honest love,
ric

someday you'll see this

cuz against all odds, there is always hope and i still hope... it is an email to my former roommate, recently moved out of state (with her dog who we shall call happiness) and more important to me than either of us may either know... and those who know may have never known, really... but then, the road is long and winding and history has shown that no one in my daily life offline has shown enough interest in me to explore even the well exposed daily blogs, no less the blogs further down the list that is growing all the time (even the easiest ones to find like this one... i mean, google my name after all)... those of you who knew me when i corresponded regularly may see the deterioration of the skill and fragmented focus that has befallen the brain i inhabit over the years... compromise, broken dreams, shattered heartstrings, and so many attempts to give up have taken their toll and nobody comes close to knowing just how much damage is permanent and how far (or close) i'll be from the me we once knew when and if i ever return (not even me)...

but still, i leap, i dream, i hope... and i attempt, however feebly, to share...

so do i cross a line of human privacy here or do i obscure enough so that only a few might guess or does it even matter?... the point is to let you know me, you who arrived here hopefully because you want to know me... the rest who find this accidentally, well, here i am anyway...

dreaming...

cuz we are friends who blog
for her

for when you have the time, this babble below is sort of an introduction to the writer/writing part of me and also some of what i meant to actually say to you before i left (i like the expression i am imagining on your face at the moment cuz it is honest :)

the links above, i'll explain as i babble below...

i am taking this transition slow (cuz i can having little life responsibilities beyond work and myself), much slower than you (again, cuz there's no reason not to)... for better or worse, you jumped right from one busy life to another busy life, though a lot less busy thank goodness... but i mean you continue to have a daily social live, roommates and a relationship and the responsibilities for interacting daily that come with that... and you have happiness too who is a major daily responsibility... so if you understand what i mean, you have much more demands on your time and things and people to occupy your time than i do... i understand... please make no guilt, obligation, or responsibility to keep in touch or do anything for me... only what you want to do and what you have time to do, that is all i ask of you :)

i decided to spend this weekend writing (cuz i love to write for so many reasons and one is to remind myself who i am, what i want, and how i feel) cuz writing helps me put things in perspective and transition through life changes and end up smiling :)

i am not sure you ever really knew how much i write or why or how much of my writing ends up online... some writing is about actual life and people (you and happiness too), but everyone has an online name in my 'blogs' for privacy... yours is Jackson (mostly for "Jacksonville" but also for a Jackson Browne reference i'll have to think about someday to remember if you want me to) and his name is happiness cuz of his smile and that is what he brought into my world (you did too, but he smiles more than either of us so he gets that name), in case i never told you :)

i don't publicize or tell people, but some of the links are on my facebook so anybody who wants to take the time to know more can if they want to without asking me directly...not that the life i live is so interesting that someone would spend a lot of time reading or asking questions about it (but just in case someone falls in love with me and wants to, well, the writing is a starting point and most of all, the writing is how i do not stop sharing everything when there is nobody around to share with... does that make sense to you? (hope so, it's why i write :)

my disclaimer to all is that if ever anything offends or is uncomfortable for you, please tell me and i will change or delete what i put online cuz my intention is not to offend or hurt anyone...

what i just did and linked above is create a blog that is intended to be used by friends, preferably by friends i know in the physical world who blog (and at the moment, i have none that i know of)... not friends online who i never met, but people i actually am friends with in the physical world... especially friends i am close to... like you... if you ever want to write and know someone who loves you unconditionally and will always be as gentle and honest and understanding as possible when reading and above all else, someone who will always be on your side cares to read (cuz i care to know you cuz i love you, mushy awwwww and all that :)

the online writing space in the first link is for me and anyone i invite to write whatever they want to write... it is public for reading for now... it could be a private place online for two or a few or a semi private place or a public place if it is ever used... i used to share a private 'blog' with someone once upon a time... just like i used to share written correspondence with friends offline... the blog is just an idea for now... the second link above is just for you... if you want me to read, leave me in it, if not, you can remove me (no offense at all, i created it for you... i will show you how to use it if you want to use it and if you don't forget it :)

and you thought i rambled before, aye? lol :)

well, there are 51 other blogs at this one blogger website that i created or at least have access to write in them... and there are others on other websites too... this is often what i do when i sit in the recliner at night browsing the web and tapping the keys... i've been doing it for well over a decade online (and since i was first able to hold a crayon long before the internet) cuz writing is my way of sharing me with me and whomever might want to know and even more important for me, writing is my way of staying in touch with me and figuring things out... i tend to repeat myself from time to time, maybe ever looking for the perfect rhyme...

sometimes i may spend five minutes a day writing, sometimes hours a day... it depends on the other stuff going on in life and how much i have to say/write... i can see i will have more time for writing now that you and happiness are gone and so, i share this with you... the knowledge of my written gardens, as i call them... and the link above or the idea of sharing a blog (journal diary written correspondence, whatever we might call it) should you wish to try it...

i don't expect you to cuz you are busy and don't write much and am not asking you to, i am only saying it is there if you want to write or post pictures or whatever and it can be just for us (or we can create another just for us if you'd like) or for friends we share (you choose) or for whatever you want... from another perspective thinking about what you do for work - it might even be a great way for therapists to give a journal to a patient that they can keep private and only let their therapist see (an idea for therapy for the cyberspace generation, aye? :)

i also tend to digress a lot :)

anyway, cuz you know i am a dreamer and one of my dreams is of one online place where everyone i love will share whatever they want to share and i also love the idea of a special private online place for each of the people most important to me where we can share our secrets... kind of like facebook except we control the privacy much more... you may ask what prompted me to think you might like to write about your secrets and thoughts and feeling in a blog...

oh, you mean there's more of a point to all this than just rambling on about me? (did i mention that i often use self-mockery to keep my ego in check and amuse myself? :)

ok, see, i was finally sitting here looking around all all your stuff (yeah, i've been avoiding the fact that you and happiness are actually gone... there, i confessed, i am an emo child and avoid stuff i don't want to make really real now and then) and decided to think about starting to put the boxes in your room and started looking at the stuff in the open boxes for sorting and packing and i will eventually repack for shipping and found in the box closest to me, right next to me and this laptop a bag of your journals/diaries and i was floored at the fact that you left them and that you left them right here within arm's reach...

trust is what melts me most, in case you didn't know, and i feel so trusted :)

i didn't read, i just picked them up... touching them felt kind of sacred (just let me know when i get too emo, ok? lol lam... lam is laughing at myself, by the way... i do that a lot), and smiled the biggest smile i have smiled in a long long time (my eyes would have been way too blurry to read anyway and you should be laughing at me for that even as you think or say awwwww :)

and as if it was not evident to me already, your importance in my life hit me like a ton of bricks cuz there are just a half dozen or so people i;vet actually lived with and even fewer i've respected enough to actually want to live with and trusted willingly with complete access to me and my world and you are one of those few... no pressure, you deserve the trust and respect, and i expect nothing from you but your honesty and for you to be you... hear that most of all please :)

so i will take care of the things you left until sending them (and you let me know what you realistically have room for and what you want first) and i will store what you want to save and you will always have a place in my world for a visit or a shelter from any storm you may run into... i want you to know i appreciate the trust you give me... and what i can share, you are always welcome to... and as long as i have a roof over my head, you are always welcome to live under it and lean on me if you ever find yourself needing anything in this life...

i know i sort of said that, but sometimes it means more to see it in written words...

of course just cuz you mean a whole lot to me doesn't mean i mean a whole lot, more or less, to you... i'm not in love with you or thinking of you romantically (though my closeness to you may very well be somewhat (or a lot) delusional, aye?... honesty above all else, remember :)

my hope is you are embarking on your journey to even more success and happiness (and security and comfort and confidence and love) than you've ever had before... this bit of babble is just to kinda formally put into words to let you know you that you have one more person in this world who will always welcome you, support you, cheer for you, care for you, and hug you completely unconditionally under any circumstances anytime...

and if writing ever feels like something you want to do and you want someone who cares about you without any judgment or butting in or imposition to read what you write, i am here... if you want a blog just for you, you can keep one completely private too (i'll help you set it up)... if you want one just for you and me, let me know... if nothing else, maybe i can inspire you to write a few words for yourself or for me in email now and then :)

so... too much? (we can laugh at my intense emoness all we want, i do all the time :)

respond as you wish, when you wish, or not at all... no expectations, no obligations... just wanting you to know... no matter what you ever do, i will always love you :)

and you thought accepting a few dollars was a challenge, huh? :P lol lam laa :)


honest love,
ric
407-325-1482

there was a lot more, dozens of blog entries from (e)thereal to the imaginary creativity that has kept me going through everything and of course, there was some attempts at adjusting to the changes and maybe even some blurry clarity (in case you want to know)...

the fish market

was that too irreverent?... the title, i mean... well, you may have more of an opinion after realizing that this entry is presenting the response i sent to someone who reached out to me via the plenty of fish website... you may remember the profile and assessment and summary they put together from my answers to their questions... i wonder how much of that actually gets seen on their website... anyway, this was my response to the high-end call girl, i mean, classy lady (hey, she said sense of humor was as essential as breathing... wonder if she meant my sense of humor or somebody else's... irreverence is not just a great defense, it's also amusing sometimes... at least it is to me... anyway, as i was saying/writing before the parentheses interrupted) who responded to me today...

Finding what appears to be an email suggesting that you have reached out to me leads me to believe I ought to check my email more often... a sense of humor is the primary reason i am still alive, which is a suggestive way of agreeing with your first words... i am challenged by a lack of time for myself lately and in turn, a lack of sleep, so to say i am slacking on self-nurturing is an understatement, so whatever wisdom i may have suggests this is no time to start meeting new people... really, i consider myself a pathetic shell of the person i might have been had i not given everything away a few times in this life... still, i love to laugh at my pathos and don't cry over spilled milk (though give me a good tearjerker movie, but that's besides the point, he says slightly smirking)... you have, however, inspired my smile and i thank you for that and send you these words... erveryone is as equal as they want to be in my mind... i don't recall ever being on an actual date... i have not been formal in years, suits are in storage just north of niagara falls (slowly i turn) along with enough stuff to open an ebay store (which i might do one of these days if i ever take a day off)... i've been rich, i've been poor, i've been in between... i've enoyed all of it, though rich leaves much more time to play and i love to play (the child inside is alive and well and shall never give up on some dreams)... your 'life should be lived thirds' concept inspired this instant response (well, instant from my perspective) and interested in communicating with you... and i agree as i laugh at myself and say (to myself, you don't have to listen) - wonderful balance i've got to get better at one of these days... what?... not giving it all away every time? (self-mockery keeps me semi-sane, again, a comfortable smile that hopefully shows through in the words, but is noted just in case it doesn't)... and yes, i am told i write too much, share too much, give too much, even talk too much from time to time... most people seem to want bland and light, no matter what they say... writing is my personal pasttime... wanna see my blogs? (and if you are not laughing, oh well, i'm just not amusing you)...

i can be too serious too... so seriously, today i do not think that i am not the man you are looking for... that is my self-assessment of me, no judgment of you at all... that is not my decision, but just my guess... i am not trying to come on or turn you off, i am trying to be your friend... and yes, i have been told i am too honest too... i wonder if our senses of humor might be lifelong friends and never knew it... or tennis partners... do you play spades?... softball?... or perhaps you might just sell me a house someday...

wait, which part was the serious part again? :)

thank you for reaching out,
ric

http://candoor.net
http://bullsugar.blogspot.com
candoor@gmail.com
407-325-1482

hope

inspired by a personal vlog...

laci, dear laci, you are not as alone as you may feel... you are one of the few, sadly, who refuse to let go of the awareness available to every child who dares to use the mind and feel openly, honestly, and beyond the fear forced upon us all by oppressive cultural rituals and controlling forces (governments, religions, economic structures)...

i have lived long, relatively, and yet still touch the first moment of awareness i felt as a very young child before anyone could convince me that love and trust and truth and sharing and caring were wrong... before i bought into the fears, i bought into the love and nothing is stronger...

along the way many other emotions have competed and at times, dark depressing weights blinded me to the love, but somewhere inside that same unrelenting drive to be aware, to love, to care that brought on the depressing hopelessness was the saving grace that shined with hope as i found myself laughing at myself - never give up, never surrender, the madness of the stubbornness of not giving into fear, of not turning off the awareness, of not leaving - or losing my mind...

so strange the feeling that not being able to escape the awareness, not being able to let go of the caring, not being able to step out of my mind can feel like losing my mind... but here i am, battered and beaten and gasping my last breath now and then, yet still walking on through the wind (song from carousel and the md telethon) and realizing that it is just a matter of perspective...

it doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full, what matters is will you drink it or die of thirst...

the greatest challenge in life for me has been to maintain hope during the moments of despair when people i loved and trusted betrayed me, when the weight of the world seemed to come crashing down on my shoulders, when i felt not just helpless, but worthless because i was not seeing how i could do anything more to help anyone or myself, when i wondered if i could do anything more, when i felt lost and did not know what to do...

in those moments i reached deep inside for the child i was, the child i am, the child who said no to fear, no to doubt, no to the grown up world that sought to oppress and devour my hope and love... and that child inside smiles even as i whimper, even as i shudder, even as i cringe with desperation, for that child lives and knows the strength and power of believing in love...

i see the child in you, in your eyes when you share your hopefulness and enlightened thoughts... i hope that my recognition of that part of you might help you feel less alone and help you remember your strength and most of all, help you remember that you see the big picture - humanity with all it's faults - and still can believe in the love within yourself... you are aware and enlightened and beautiful and that fact - that you are as you are - proves a human can overcome the fears and all the cruelties and self-destruction that those fears create... if you can do it, others can do it... so there is the hope for humanity, the proof in who you are...

it is challenging to wait for enough people to catch up so humanity as a collective species takes another evolutionary leap forward in conscious awareness... the best we can do is be the role models we are and take solace that there are a few others out here who understand...

let this be a comforting hug, a safe understanding that it's ok to feel the weight, that it's ok to feel the depression and throw a pity-party for humanity for it is a pity that so much human life is wasted and has been wasted... and let this also help you see the way out of that hopeless helpless malaise... take my hand, at least mentally/emotionally in these words, when you feel down and i rejoice in the fact that i feel strong enough to offer it...

let this be a thank you for the times i felt down and your voice/positivity lifted me :)

honest love, ric