pro-dulgent

this was suppose to be profound . . .

. . . and it became self-indulgent.
self-found?

intimate correspondence

something i wrote to an old friend on the subject of writing as communication, writing as correspondence between two people who want to share words one on one, two who want to depend on each other to be there to read and respond, two who want to trust each other to be there as a literary friend... i used to love that feeling, that illusion of intimate trust shared in correspondence, but i no longer spend time cultivate it anymore... this (with a bit more thought) lead me to that conclusion...

if i had more time or wanted to spend more time writing, i'd write more here... i use what time i spend writing to keep the daily blog flowing because if i didn't i might stop writing... i write to myself now and leave it at that...

simply, honestly, hopefully without harm - the truth of my writing life now is that i have learned to write to myself in my rambling way in brief snips and while i may occasionally lament over feeling alone, i have also learned to expect nothing and even more, depend on no one because that is the best way to maintain my self-esteem and the only way i can be sure of not being disappointed or set myself up to feel abandoned...

it may seem sad that i no longer trust or believe i can depend on human beings to share consistently, but it is the most sensible rational logical decision i ever made and brings the most peaceful easy feeling i have ever known...

the illusion of sharing, trusting, depending on someone still calls at times and the sadness that it will likely not happen with humans occasionally lures me into believing i need to share and trust, but humans are all too willing to prove that trust is an illusion and dependency and consistency is something humans choose not to offer...

all this is likely only my perspective because i have finally given up on compromising and was most likely never willing enough to compromise enough to build the bond humans build with each other... my failing, from human standards... and i can accept that point of view as valid... but as the song goes, i've got to be me...

when you think about this, if you truly knew me, then you will realize you did not need to read this comment, for you already knew...

dreams die hard...

there's a few quotes and songs i can reference or insert here but as much as i can relate to all of them, none actually reflect what i mean here... and not even harry's dreams go by really gets it... for all the years of trying to find that connection to another human, i accept it has not happened and do not expect it to...

or something like that...

and this realization that i no longer feel the urge to respond to the lure of intimate (and i do not mean sexual, i mean the unconditional trust required for truly intimate sharing) conversation in words is one more facet of the sharing of me, for anyone who wants to know...

all this while watching one of my favorite films of all time, the princess bride...

is that ironic? :)

reminder for a friend who used to write

you've been gone from your writings for a long time... but that doesn't stop me from jumping up and down if only to make a big silly splash that hopefully says i still love you, caring is a verb, so here is a literary action to demonstrate that...

i am concerned that you may sleep restlessly, which concerns me, which compels me not to wait forever to nudge you (or splash words in your face, so to speak), cuz you did write once and i believe you were not done... so i encourage continuing...

and may considering why i am here by of value . . .

the core of my consistency (and security and confidence and solidness and faith and honesty and whatever else we might call it), from my perspective, is an internal trust in my intentions... even more than trusting my instincts, i know and have always known that my intentions are pure, true, goodness, and in those three words - honesty without harm...

my intention is to be true and harmless...

not succeeding all the time, i could feel like a failure and berate myself and give up and lose faith and drift away from that bottom line and then, lose the sense of self "me"... i could accept the indecision and helplessness of being imperfect as a reason to stop caring and doubt my intentions (am i lying to myself when i tell myself i mean no harm?)... but i choose to empower hope and self-trust over fear and doubt... choosing to unconditionally trust my intention to be true and harmless is me...

and so, i am here...

sleep well and when you wake, i will be here - in these words even after the body is gone, and until the body is gone, more words will flow to prove i am here... and you are here too, as much as you will allow yourself to be...

all you have to do is choose to believe it :)

catching up on introductions, sorta

what we have here is a catch up letter to a new friend after almost a month of not writing, so it not only catches up, but it introduces me and life as i know it at these current moments as well as anything i write anywhere and that is what this blog is about, as much as i remember what this blog is about, ya know? :)

the new friend asked about hospital risk management (what i do for money, currently in a new position in a new place), possible medicaid restrictions on payment for readmissions (recidivism), foot injuries, age and relationship status, and a few other subjects and for whatever it might mean or be worth to you, here is the latest writing that says this is me, hello, hope you are a friend (or something like that :)

i must be a magician and easily as i disappear (clever opening lines sometimes skip past the awkwardness of long pauses between communications... but of course this sort of bare-assed analysis exposing the practical potential of cleverness can totally undermine any cleverness there might have been... unless, of course, you enjoy over-analysis and completely open honesty and the self-mockery of pulling back the curtain from the usual human pretenses like i do... so if you are laughing with me as you scratch your head wondering if you should be laughing, then yay and happy to be back in touch :)

busy times, working times, fun times... definitely away from facebook and email times... texting was the only communication going on the past few weeks... that's the facts, no offense intended, just in case the clever magician line is lame ya know? :)

hospital risk management can be stressful, heavy-weight legal decisions and very delicate negotiations sometimes, but hey, there are people trying to resolve the differences between religious fanatics in this world so compared to that task, i've got it pretty easy :)

the feds are always trying to save money at the expense of medical care and the ridiculous divide between free enterprise and compassionate health care for all is just another sign of the suicidal tendencies and selfish greed so dominant in the collective human psyche... the best we can do is try not to get too sucked into that rate race and insensitive way of seeing and thinking... tracking recidivism has been a hot button in this country in recent years and it should be, but there are many reasons people return to hospitals and the hospital itself is just one part of a mental health care system failure when a patient relapses... usually the real failure is the outpatient and community and family support systems that the hospital has no control over, but it's easier to blame the hospital for not permanently "curing" mental illness... government money-lenders are generally very shallow and quite ignorant of what they are actually spending their money on... enough soapbox :)

YAY! for three weeks plus off crutches (hoping you didn't rush it and relapse yourself :)

limping lasted for months after the boot went away for me... i still have limping days, most especially when first standing and walking... after a few dozen steps the muscles loosen up and the limping goes away, but expect months of stiffness with the first few dozen steps and the weather might effect the feeling too...

for me it was My Left Foot was The Color Purple lol :)

I am old... I am single... the latter is my choice lol... I came into this world with rock and roll, 1956, and i am still rocking and rolling... age is not just a number, but it is not an excuse to grow old either, so when i say I am old I am laughing cuz physically I run circles around people half my age and mentally i am still a carefree four year old most of the time (much to the chagrin of some of the grown ups who play with me :)

my roommate, best friend, adopted family, and jackson in my blogs is 35 she could be 75 or 15 physically cuz she is a little kid inside like me... my best friends in this life have been special ed teachers and therapists, lucky for me lol lam :)

traumatic events, well, i've had my share... getting literally shown to the door completely out of the blue for no specific reason while on crutches after 11 years of putting in 60-70 hours a week, at least, to keep a dysfunctional organization looking great to the government and the world was the worst event of this year... to broken ankle was not as much of a betrayal and emotional back-stabbing...

relationships have not gone well for me in this life and i've subconsciously avoided getting into one for the past 15 years cuz the last one left me actually homeless and bled dry... if it helps to share, feel comfortable doing a mind-dump or self-analysis or venting with me - i will respect and be as sensitive and responsive as i am able... i am pretty good at the humility thing as laughing at myself is my primary survival skill :)

sometimes i wish the bed was in the fridge when it's 90 degrees with 95% humidity and i really want fresh air... i love the tropical heat, but there are times i want to just 'chill' :)

so if i tell myself to check in here more often i might, but if i ask you to text me at 407-325-1482 and nudge me back here when you write words to me and you give me that gift of a nudge, then i will definitely not let weeks pass away from communicating... hopefully you will get to know me well enough to know that i do not need that nudge to care, i need it to remind me there is a world beyond my head and immediate daily life... i live in the moment most of the time (makes it easy to stay single, ahem, nudging myself there, see?) and stay busy sharing in the immediate physical environment...

but i do love to write in case you haven't noticed lol lam lam is laughing at myself, by the way, and i am laughing at myself for my not-so-subtle throwing this link in here :)

that link is to the daily blog, the more than 3,000 entries that have chronicled daily life moments for the past 4 years, sometimes one entry a day, sometimes ten or more - when i am completely reclusive and i have had those phases now and then in this life, the writing and babbling continues so i am not completely unreachable... just relatively lost in obscurity sometimes lam (and yes, there were daily blogs before this one, going back to the ninties online and 60's before the internet was invented by whomever might have invented it (i don't really think Al Gore did :)

so what's new?... i am jog-walking more easily (now if i only was actually doing it more often - he says as he looks at his budding Buddha belly - i hereby copyright that for an album or book title someday... maybe a diet book? lol :)

i am loving the new workplace and job... it's far from perfect, but the people i work with are much healthier and understand how much better teamwork is than divisive jealousy or paranoid defensiveness can be... the old place lacked trust and respect most of all... this place has both... and they seem to like what i can do too :)

home gets a bit lonely at times with E working way too much and enjoying a new relationship and church activities and spending a weekend a month or so in jacksonville with family and me trying to save money and not go out as much... but i love alone time almost as much as i love sharing (sometimes more) so all is very well and i have friends to have fun with anytime i want to... it's just more economical to be a homebody :)

focusing on getting back into a early wake-up work schedule has occupied the past few weeks... so getting sleep (something i am not good at - making time for it, that is... i sleep great when i give myself the time) has been a weekday focus... playing softball (two games friday nights, a practice on saturday, and at least two games, sometimes three or four, on sundays) and hanging with the teams for lunches or dinners keep the weekends busy... went to see ani difranco last friday after softball... almost went to see ingrid michaelson early last week, but it was a monday night and we decided not to... we have a 5k scheduled soon, so i am apparently a lot busier than i think i am lol lam... just miss the intimacy sometimes, sigh and all that emo stuff :)

did i catch up yet? :)

hope life is smiling for you and if not, hope you are good at standing on your head (it turns a frown into a smile for a little kid, ya know... just do it in front of a mirror :)

we shall stay in touch, even better if you do the nudge thing :)

and i appreciate your sharing and your patience and understanding as time goes by :)

and you too out there reading this blog, i appreciate you too, whomever you are :)

what it's about

this is yet another bit of babbling introduction inspired by, well, introducing myself to a friend.. specifically, i finally (after almost two weeks) took some time to reach out to one of my friends to build a bridge that can bring us closer... being that anyone is welcome, almost, the open door i create with one friend eventually finds it's way online and this is the blog where i store these bits and pieces and long-winded babble that are potentially first drafts of autobiographies or guides to the writings or something like that... now that we've gotten that introduction clarified, this is what came out of an attempt to welcome a new friend into the written gardens (da da daahhhh)...

do you ever feel like you must be "on" when people are around because they probably would not like "off"? or even, does part of you live beneath the surface that nobody ever gets to see?... sometimes i think that describes me, sometimes i don't... i don't hide anything intentionally, i just share a lot less than i used to...

then again, there are depths within i have not visited in many years - and i do not mean depressions, i mean landscapes of memories, awareness, and personality that are simply sleeping because there is no time to indulge, to remember, to actualize... there are reasons beyond lack of time, but that is the primary reason (i mean, i am not taking the time to explore the reasons beyond lack of time due to the lack of time, but they are there)... now that i have more time, except for the constant screaming of "find an income fast" coming from the logical part of my brain, the depths long sleeping at stirring a bit (just a bit) and that is exciting, trepidations, and precarious (not always in that order, but still i feel a gleeful smile)...

I've played with words since memory began and have been writing words ever since i could first hold a crayon... i think in rhythm and feel in rhyme (and share a few words from time to time)... and I used to have more than 10,000 pages of rhymes and rambles online... and then there is music... music is the fluid carrying my spirit through my soul and words are the cells forming the bodies of my dreams... i spent so little time inside these days and so little time with music...

that is it for now, as an introduction of sorts... i do not allow myself the unlimited uninhibited writing time at the moment because i do not want to risk every possibility (one being find a mountain of sorts and live off the land and that would leave my roommie in the lurch and I do not want to do that)... part of me is considering taking the rest of the summer off and just indulging my every whim... if i find a job willing to let me start in September, I will likely do that (after counting pennies)...

and then, somewhat unexpectedly, the latest incarnation of what can loosely be called the hitchhiker's guide to the written gardens (da da daahhhh) kind of crept up on us like this (with soon to be added additional words because, well, that is what i do)...

a year or few ago, maybe four or six, ATT decided no more personal pages... before i could download the site i had there, those 10,000+ pages were deleted... poof, and i was gone from the internet after years of building the sites... don't trust free web host, even if you pay for another service they provide (phone)...

but there is hope... most of those pages are on a computer or disk somewhere in my boxes and someday i hope to make time to find them and then revise the links and put them back on the web... until then, there is the new stuff...

once upon a time, this was the personal site entrance (oooo, are we starting to write the guide?... well, maybe, but we we done with the intros a bit earlier, weren't we?... puzzled expressions all around as we proceeded ahead with several additional paragraphs above that might actually be becoming the hitchhiker's guide to {used to be here, the written gardens... still is, sort of, but so many of the links within this entrance no longer work... still, it's a historical document, so let's not get hysterical over what might have been moldy cheese}, cuz it was more like a guided tour through the written gardens {slowly i turn... reference to niagara falls abbott and costello, which, when this bit is fleshed out, should be accompanied by hyper-dramatic musical chords and the words slowly i turn each time the words the written gardens [da da daahhhh, slowly i turn] is mentioned}, yeah, that's the ticket {see you are witnessing the guide and subsequent skits and ultimate film version being created right before your eyes... shhhh, i have not copy written this email yet [BIG THUD]

pardon, s'cuse, we interrupt this parenthetic aside that interrupted the guide that was not intended to be written here but started to be written here anyway to bring you the following important announcement:

All Right Reserved (c) Candor Communication, 2012
[This includes this email and all other writings i added here]

we now return you to your regularly interrupted email...

which i hopefully just remedied and you too share in the excitement [feel free to overdramatize, it's just the working model first draft, after all] of the reincarnation of the explanatory notes for the written gardens [da da daahhhh, slowly i turn... oh yeah, now we're getting it... did i mention the sudden turn to the camera in the skit and film versions?] which shall continue now}, this could be monumental... epic, even, but we shall stop this parenthetic aside now as suddenly as it began) and alas, unfortunately, as with the main entrance, many links will not work due to the ATT fiasco (which was explained somewhere, but if not here, remind me to add it somewhere along the editing line, with a side of chocolate pudding please)... but many still work (links, that is... on that page above that was the subject of this writing before it was so innocently interrupted by the parenthetic aside monster) leads to this which is still not the page i recommend as a starting point, but the column on the left still work, mostly, the columns on the right are not so sure... but wait, there is the most recent way into the current writing... and before we quote emily littela...

so start here
yeah, we finally get to the link most recommended as a starting point (just be glad this is just the rough first draft because this link might not appear until chapter three or later in the final introduction, or perhaps even the end of the first volume)... the other two just give you background and unfinished business and the past, for what works, but the current rhymes and rambles are organized here... (opinions and complaints)

it is something around volume five or sixteen (or seventy, for all we know) of the complete works of the person i loosely call me, eighth edition (at least)... now as i mentioned on the phone, yesterday, i intended to eventually add a page for each site that would explain what each site was about, at least loosely... since i haven't done that yet, let's start here...

travel back in time with the dailies

this is where the daily writing goes, kind of like a diary or journal or, what do they call it now, a personal blog... the older ones are much more rambling, babbling, longer, meandering... the current one, (e)thereal or e-the-real (top link on the opinions and complaints links list at (opinions and complaints))

the second link, bullsugar, was kind of a side-saddle ride that couldn't decide if it was going to be a new daily replacing (e)thereal or what... it became what... at first i was almost impressed, and then, as with all of my other writing, i accommodated my humble relativity (or relative humility) that balances ego with altruism (or something like that) and accepted it as just another wonder wall upon which i splash pieces of brain and heart and occasionally other body parts...

the third, the funda, was what (e)thereal might have been had i gone more philosophical and less daily life rambling... it was a gift of sorts to an assorted few online writers way back when 24-hour blogathons were all the rage and presented pieces of brain in brief and even coherent bits for the fans around at the time... if you find time to visit the funda and start with the first post (click the archive link at the top, scroll down to the bottom, start with the bottom link, funda and witness the wit and wisdom for as long as you can stand it, then... try it sitting down)..

the fourth (link), we have only just begin... in RealTime™ was an attempt to find brevity in daily public writings after years of the babblings that was the fifth (link), behind the candoor, which was an attempt to unsapify (or diminish the emoness) of the preceding daily, planet candora, which is listed later in another section of the list of links because it did not really fit in with dailies even though it was the primary daily for a brief time...

the more kinda sorta legitimate (though still oddly different as the roots were embryonic) predecessor to behind the candoor was candor at live journal (for lack of a better name for the moment) also listed later in yet another section because it was sorta left hanging and in a what about bob? way, is temporarily disconnected and still somehow needs to be brought into the fold... then there is the deleted first journals that may be uploaded again someday (cuz there's always hope) and might be found partially here (unfortunately the links prior to 2003 were broken by att greed)...

and the other writing spaces in the alternate realities section are there because they are somewhat autobiographical, but more specialized than the dailies... and then there are all the other sections in the opinions and complaints list that maybe i'll explain those better if i ever get there...

so where were we? (i am surprisingly not sliding off on long and winding tangents nearly as much as i usually do, but then, as i said, i am not allowing myself the unlimited time, remember?... i said/wrote that when i said we were done with the intro (note, add wide-eyed stare here)... apparently, were were not quite completely done, but no worries, we should be done any time now, definitely within a fortnight, hopefully)...

so any of the other writing spaces linked at (opinions and complaints) that interest you (or that you have time for as you obviously have other things you can be doing that supersede wandering through the myriad of written gardens i've planted here, there, and anywhere on the web), just ask...

unfortunately, if you wish to engage the infinite improbability drive or the random entry generator, you are shit out of luck because the former is copy written and the later is broken... you can, however, simulate and manually operate the random entry generator by moving your mouse randomly over the links and clicking at whim and then continuing to move your mouse randomly over the links (and clicking at whim) on each subsequent page that the previous clicking at whim took you too... in the event of a page error, hit the back button and repeat the mouse randomly clicking at whim process hoping you avoid the link that took you to the page error, but in case you reach another page error, hit the back button and repeat the mouse randomly clicking at whim process hoping you avoid the link that took you to the page error, but in case... ok, let's not get too loopy...

on second thought, it is highly recommended (by me, even) that you utilize the guide that started above when we were done with the intros...

welcome to the written gardens (da da daahhhh...


ric
407-325-1482

PS... so what's up, ummmm, doc?

setting priorities

and sometimes i lament the lack of time to share the love inside and sometimes i remember that lament is wasting the moment that could be shared...


and while this may seem sad
to let go of a dream
it may only be life
however it may seem

so what's the point of living, really
when we die in the end
and what's the point of giving, really
does it make a friend?

and what's the point of sharing, really
when everyone goes away
and what's the point of caring, really
what makes someone stay?

and while this may seem sad
to always be alone
it may only be life
come and go on our own

so what's the point of crying, really
when we die in the end
and what's the point of lying, really
does it make a friend?

and what's the point of anything, really
the meaning we give it
and what's the point of life, really
just the way we live it

so why should it be sad
to face reality
it may be only life
and this may just be me

a song to contemplate
a song to understand
a song to meliorate
it's just an open hand

now reaching out to you
to share what living gives
for all we know is true
this is all that there is

so why should it be sad
to accept you and me
can share this moment now
make it all it can be

no it should not be sad
life is not just a dream
it is what we can share
right here, right now, a team

no it should not be sad
to accept you and me
can share this moment now
make it all it can be

let it be
let it be
let it be
just be
(with me)

sometimes secrets slip through

once again an unplanned communication reveals enough about me to copy and paste it here and i suppose that is a large part of what this blog space is about, a kind of reflective record of interactions with others that help me recollect, reveal, and record bits and pieces of myself for myself and anyone who might want to know... sometimes the obscurity respects privacy and sometimes it is just my playful way with words that seeks unique and maybe clever ways of writing what amounts to the same thing i've written all through this life... it is another side of me...

so the message was...

I may or may not have written the most to you in my life.
and i am charging up my zodiac strength to possibly find out what i will get you for my birthday.

and i woke from a refreshing slumber with an extra four plus hours cuz it is a day off and smiled at the text message that called me to write (a whole lot more than this) and the day continues, but for now, here is where it began...

and what do you want for your birthday?...

ah, but my birthday is april and yours is november, both the 6th, so there is time before either comes around on the calendar...

on the other hand, the calendar is meaningless to me most of the time and i have celebrated my birthday only two or three times in this life, which may be sad for some, but is as i know birthdays for me, so not as sad for me...

you wrote what i will get you for my birthday . . . like what you will get me for your birthday?... that is an interesting juxtaposition of pronouns - arrangement of words, that is...

what would you like to get me for your birthday?...

and writing...

wow, really?... i write more than i breathe sometimes... started when i could first hold a crayon, but got into writing a lot every day in my teens when i the girl i loved more than anything else in this life (more than myself) stopped loving me the way i loved her and that ending scarred me and started me on writing almost every day...

sometimes i write simple records of life, the hope is someone comes along (like her) who will want to know me so much that she will want to read every word... and sometimes writing is my therapy like it was in my teens - that is the babbling that few ever really understand cuz it rambles off on so many tangents that the threads of any meaning are hidden in the mass of words...

anyway, writing means a lot to me in many ways, from keeping me sane and functional and free in the 'real world' (out in public interacting and surviving with the other human beings) and happy in my own head understanding myself and what i want and how to get it...

some people don't care if they actually really share anything - like actually really understand each other...

that is sad...

i want to understand me... i want to understand you... so we can really share understanding and mean something we want to remember...

make sense to you?...

you may not want that, which is ok...

i wonder what you want...

(and do you know?)

i love days off :)

secrets?... what secrets? :)