The Only Limit is Death

I may still head out to some 24 hour store to get more chocolate milk and some other ridiculously inappropriate and irresponsible snacks even though I have some and it's after midnight and I have work tomorrow and I just spent 12 hours in the car snacking and eating junk food on a drive back from Nashville after two days of softball and more food after a 14 hour drive up to Nashville on Friday, just because I can. Doctors would caution against it, but like that guy in City of Angels who ate that huge pastrami sandwich right after a heart attack, I'll enjoy life until there is no more life to enjoy.

I'll return to a healthier mindset and behavior tomorrow.

This sets the scene for the next letter, inspired by all the kind and well-meaning people I've known who've suggested that I will find someone (as in a life partner) when I am ready if I'll just compromise and have more realistic expectations and conform to common sense and our culture more.

Alas, nobody has ever really known me very well (as Bugs would say, paraphrased).

See, this is Real
(the reason for my loneliness)

I get the bug in my head to drive to Nashville at the last minute because I had to be back at 1PM Monday to do orientation at work and I did not want to disappoint the boss and it would cost $500 extra dollars for an early Monday flight... to spend two days playing ball in the summer sun and heat and who's gonna do that with me?

Seriously?

Both road trips were off the beaten path, lost for a little while thanks to faulty GPS tech (which to me is fun... the getting lost part, not the faulty tech), and who's gonna enjoy that? More than 24 hours on the road, mostly in the car. And now I get back after all the adventures, good and bad, and all I want to do is stay up all night playing and sharing and doing whatever and who's gonna want to do that with work in the morning?

So I know the answer... I just need to meet more people, maybe lower my standards, compromise, and not be so impulsive and irresponsible and unpredictable and off the beaten path and, ultimately, conform more... but is anybody gonna compromise back and share an impulsive irresponsible silly free-wheeling weekend like this with me?

An adult?

LOL

Fat chance.

All the logic and rational thinking points to the probability of finding someone who is truly compatible with me about as likely as Don Quixote winning his war against the windmills or Ahab catching his whale. Any counselor would tell me I need to grow up and conform to society and so on... Peter Pan is a fantasy. Quixote is a story. Ahab dies. But what if I really do not want to live in this real world everybody seems to think is all there is? What if the present collective human reality is all just a sad self-destructive delusion?

From my perspective, looking at humanity, it is.

No common sense. I used to hear that a lot from a friend when I was about 11 or 12 or so. Hi Jack. The guy was not a dreamer, but this world agrees with him, so he's considered right.

What if that really doesn't matter to me?

So anyway, not expecting any sort of response right now or anytime, I'm gonna drink chocolate milk and write to myself (and anyone who might ever care to read someday) and maybe to my windmill or whale or the one (compatible partner) and dream of being in love and sharing living happily ever after.

I mean, anybody can liv happilly ever after, it's finding the right person to do it with that is the magical mystery tour of life (some might call a miracle, wonder of wonders and all).

I'll somehow survive all the extra calories, carbs, and other chemical imbalances, not to mention lack of sleep, health issues exacerbated by my irresponsible self-indulgences, financial hardships, extended unhealthy living conditions (I get back here to find out that now we have mice or rats and he drowned one in the bathtub), and whatever else... and I'll do my best to get to orientation on time.

But tonight I am going to continue my own private lonely road trip party just cuz I want to and if that kills me, well, I'll die having fun.

So all kidding aside, you know anyone who might even be anywhere close to wanting to share a little time, a weekend, no less a life with someone like me?

I'm open to meeting that person, so open I scare most everyone away lol :)

Sigh.

Think a counselor would have any answers I have not already tried? :)

I don't disrespect the profession and I do know the value of counseling, therapy, and educated mental health professionals. I just do not want to pay to hear something I've heard many times before, especially when I disagree with most solutions considered logical, rational, or right in this culture.

And in the end (Beatles reference intended)...

I joke a lot, but when I am most serious I am simultaneously happier and sadder than anyone I've ever met - and that makes me happy to be me just the way I am, when I am most serious. Most of the time I am just distracting myself until someone who wants to be serious with me comes along.

Did I mention I had a full blown Potty Emergency (See: The Animaniacs) tonight?

So in case someone might want to share a little wacko time with me, I'll be partying in my head, right here waiting, in case the one (or even the right counselor) shows up :)

Hope you wake up today with more determination and will than ever before to do what you need to do to get and keep what you want in life :)

When you fly, I will cheer and be your parachute
When you fall, I'll be there to help you up,
Cuz that's what family does :)

love, love, love,
me

Someone I Used To Know

Tonight (or some night among many nights), a friend told me about some guy renting rooms in his houses and I thanked him, but the location was way too far from work or softball and I do not want to add the stress and time of driving an extra 90-150 minutes every day. He does not get out much, doesn't work, and so it seems he did not think about the travel time for someone who works full time and plays a lot of ball. In thanking him and explaining why I do not want to talk to the guy with the place in the location he suggested, I explained life as I've known it for some time and while this might have been a very depressing letter at one time, it is reality and accepted as such, I do not succumb to the pity party that the living situations I've known could turn into.

Girls just wanna have fun, wherever they are, after all.

So without further ados or adonts, and with the brain seriously shutting down after a very long 4 days of very little sleep and a whole lot of softball (did I mention this was written another night?), I give you the result of some reality-quest game of introspective exploration of the rhymes and reasons of the current events and status of life in this physical world over the past few years.

Or something like that.

I appreciate you trying to help me find a better place. I am just very reluctant to move into another situation where I do not have the freedom to relax as I'd like to. If the mice/rats that moved into the space above the ceiling eat through the ceiling or walls and start eating the food stuffs in the living space, I may have to take whatever I can find, but I would rather not go sideways into another unknown sharing a bathroom with a stranger and living like a refugee out of a suitcase and boxes. I've been doing it for more than two years (in this space more than a year) and I really don't want to make another move until I find a pace where I can have more space, my own bathroom, and some reasonable kitchen and living space sharing. Cleaner, most definitely. The old saying the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know - the devil I know, here, I have some control over. He tolerates the bleach smell in the bathroom (because I spray with diluted bleach to disinfect at least daily) and he leaves me alone. I use the laundry and the microwave and have a little fridge space and do everything else in "my room."

It's a confining limited sometimes uncomfortable life with no cough or recliner to sit on, just a desk chair and folding tables as a "desk" and just an air mattress to sleep on, but it's 3 minutes from work and as I said above, I can clean my way.

Ok, too much seriousness is worse than diaper rash. I am so tired, most of the brain cells have shut down for the night. I am also grumpy because I pigged out on high calorie junk food over the weekend and put the brakes on that hard today only eating some chicken and a protein drink. I am back to a 800-1000 calorie daily diet for the next few weeks, maybe longer. My comfort food gone, the grumps are always close to the surface. But I must do it for health reasons so I will do it for health reasons and suffer emotionally for a while. Life has changed so much since when we first met. I had much more income and savings and energy and optimism and motivation and resiliency and other magical stuff. I am on a path to finding the non-material stuff in a life with much less money and zero savings in spite of the challenges low income and zero savings brings every day.

Ground control to Major Tom...

Now you have been updated on the conditions and situations and circumstances and experiences, however momentary, so thanks for caring and listening and singing frog songs. Fred is happy. Major Tom is drifting. Wacko is still waiting for me to come out to play again. And I still have hopes of finding love and laughter and living happiily ever after with the soulmate-partner of my dreams. Even if it is just in my dreams. )

I should eat more fruit.

la la la,
me and my shadow

Letter to Harpo (I Think)

Therefor I am? Well, whether this will be the start of something new in this blogosphere (aka the written gardens) or whether this is just another letter to a friend may depend on Harpo's response, if there is one, but whatever may be (may be), this is an update on life written to Harpo (maybe you guessed that already?) instead of calling because Eb is asleep and I drop it here because I am not sure where else to put it. Or something like that. Maybe.

See, this is the life I live. I get home from work and the roommate is fast asleep. I wake up to get ready for work and the roommate is fast asleep. This place is so small that if I got on the phone, I'd wake him up. I respect a roommate when they are sleeping and don't make noise or phone calls, so I didn't call. I have a dozen things must do before I get to sleep (which must be early) so I can be all set to hop in the car and drive the 10 hours to Nashville and be there by mid-afternoon so I can do what I need to do there before it's time to get a good night sleep tomorrow night so I can be wide awake and at my best for a full day and evening of softball in what might be blazing heat starting at 7:00 AM. Repeat on Sunday. Then drive back Sunday night to do an orientation by 1:00 PM Monday.

Must sleep lots tonight.

I did not get a protective case for my brand new $1000+ phone (crazy, isn't it?) because I simply ran out of time and that is about eighth on the list of very important things I need to do as soon as possible. Several must be done tonight (clean out car, sort through stuff to pack what I need for the trip {it gets very expensive if I do not take everything I need and I don't have the luxury of just heading out the door and buying whatever I need wherever I am like I used to, alas, Trump did it, I'm sure of it. He's probably tweet about it in the morning lol}, and several other things I really must remember to have a safe trip).

I also seldom call from this room on the hot nights because the fan roars like the soothing white noise of a jet engine. I wonder if you'd be able to hear me on the speaker on the new phone with the fan going? I keep a high-speed fan on most of the time here now since the thermostat is usually set at 84 and the place is not well insulated. Did I mention I sent out a dozen more roommate messages on the roommate website last night? There's always hope. I know, because I am always hoping. Even when I'm moping, I'm still hoping. Even when I was doping, I was still hoping. It's my way of coping, to just keep hoping. Like some fish just keep swimming I just keep hoping :)

Now that I've roped you in with my flair for silly rhyme, I must go back to getting ready for the trip. Imagine how we would drive each other crazy on a ten hour car ride. You'd probably need drugs with me driving lol :)

I ate real food today. I mean bacon and bread and potato and macaroni salads and all sorts of more. Lunch was probably 2000 calories. First time all week. I was doing so well, but then, I was feeling the fatigue. Gotta eat calories sometime after all lol. I'll eat mostly normally at least a few meals this weekend and hopefully will not gain back the weight I lost. Gotta find a scale one of these days to prove the weight loss isn't all just in my head too.

Time to stop this crazy thing.

Synthetically,
George Jetson and Astro

Say It Again, Until It is Heard

And another one down and another one down and another one bites the dust. What is biting the dust is fear, confusion, doubt, insecurity, and all the obstacles that fear can build or create. After six letters to four different people, clarity is refined to a wonderful understanding and that is a euphoric experience. I used to get here every time I sat down to write. Sometimes it would take three rhymes.Apparently it is taking longer and the rhymes don't even flow, but I am getting there once again.

Letters to friends can expose who I am, in case it matters, in case you want to know. Whatever you want, I want to know, so I say it again ad will continue until I hear it. Even if it takes longer than it used to. Even if it takes forever, I will wait for me. Cue the music. :)

Thank you for responding. I was waiting for you to tell me your idea about a phone, but realized I can't wait and must make a decision. I'm still curious though :)

I am surprised and touched that she remembers me enough to miss me. :)

There are many people in this world who believe men and women can't be very close without being either siblings or lovers. It is a sexually repressed culture we live in that leads to that stereotype. I think it's the same repression that leads to homophobia, though they are not the same reaction or conclusion. Such a need to conform and not be free to explore or express individual feelings. I wonder how to teach children that boys and girls can be friends without sexuality or romance. Anyway, we can be amused, correct her, and let it be. :)

When someone misunderstands what we say or do, I think the best we can do is patiently say it again, until it is heard.

Depending on practice time (if there's no rain), it may not be until 2ish before I get up there since it's 30 minutes from fields to here, then 30 minutes to shower and change if I can get right into the bathroom, then 30 minutes to you. I guess I will leave laundry until Wednesday. I was going to do the final phone shopping tomorrow because I leave for Nashville Friday morning next weekend and Monday and Wednesday nights are softball, Tuesday nights I usually stay later at work, and Thursday night I'll need to pack. Guess I should have shopped for the phone today but I wasn't sure when you'd want to get together during her visit and decided to give myself a day for writing and relaxing and spending no money and eating low calories to reset my habits cuz diet and spending needed to be reset again. It's tough to do living here, so I am hoping the women with the room responds favorably and is not insane lol.

I laid down earlier as I said I would, watched some TV, fell asleep, then woke hungry, drank a protein shake and sat down here to write.

Writing is my therapy. For a reader, it may seem like whining, complaining, being negative, pathetic, or any other sort of unhealthy behavior, but it is the healthiest thing I can do to understand myself, figure out what I want, what to do, and how to express myself. It's an escape without drugs or food or anything physically unhealthy (except for sitting uncomfortably for too long sometimes) and when it is not an escape, it allows everything inside to pour out and once out, it's resolvable and most important, it's not longer inside. Writing is clearing my head like some do with meditation or other activities. Except writing actually directly confronts thoughts and feelings in words.

I wonder if you are starting to understand how healthy writing is for me.

I hope you are less afraid of it than you once were.

It is freeing. An intellectual and philosophical purging of everything inside that almost always leads me to clarity, amusement, resolution, and a better place.

I find I can be fearless as I trust myself to free associate and think/feel/and find words to express thoughts and feelings without self-consciousness or inhibition.

Without fear, comes honesty. With honesty, come clarity. With clarity, come peace and security through resolution of confusion, conflicts, or obstacles. Amusement and happiness follow, amusement at the artificial dramas and futile conflicts I can create by limiting my awareness (closing my eyes, hiding, denying, avoiding, excusing, disassociating, deluding myself, and so on) that leads to unnecessary worry and lack of boundaries and irrational fears. Happiness that I can stop that, at least for a while, and understand how to accept (serenity) and improve what I can improve leads to euphoria.

If that makes any sense to you, and I hope it does, then maybe you can see through your fear to see the good I get out of writing and not be so concerned or worried or sad when I express doubts or fears or any other weakness. The way I see it, to find the light, one must explore the darkness. To find clarity, one must create it by exploring the confusion. To experience peace, one must step into and expose the war that goes on within one's self. To me, it is more scary to hide, deny, avoid, or pretend than it is to tear away the facade and expose the mess - for it is only by exposing the mess that any real meaningful effective cleaning up can begin. The alternative is to continue making the mess and hoping it will not trip me up or even, drown in it. Writing gives me control of myself and that allows more control of my life experience. That's the best we can do in this life.

I feel wonderful, refreshed, euphoric even, after finding the words to figure myself out enough to understand and gain control over my experience. Then I can let go again, trusting myself to do what is best for me and those my life might affect.

When the writing gets repetitive or rambling as it does often, that's just my way of continuing to share and I do it because it keeps the loneliness at bay and keeps the hope alive that someone might find the words and find some value and reach out and share something. Through sharing, we are less alone. I love being alone most of the time, but I also love sharing.

So I share this way. With myself. With hope someone else might come along and want to share back.

Clarity is better than sleep sometimes :)

I hope you find it too in your own way.

I hope you sleep well tonight. :)