Old Friends (Bookends?)

Your timing is perfect as you caught me on a letter writing day. These days don't come too often, but a wonderful storm has me inside and I was in the middle of writing a third letter when yours popped up. I want to go out and play in the storm, but the odds of this body surviving a lightening have gone down enough for me to think twice about splashing around outside when the thunder is booming. Even if the odds of getting struck are are very much in my favor lol. I like living so I take fewer risks as I shoot for experiencing what 100 years old feels like :)

Love the Yogi quote. I do enjoy life and when I look back, few regrets. Not having any close family ties has given me a unique perspective and while it is sad sometimes and I've known some downbeats, it has some rewards too and has made me who I am (still singing all you need is love and seeking the positive as much as I can no matter what happens. I like me and the whole world is my family, so it's turning out just fine from my perspective. As I said, keeping in touch with you and others I considered family, even for a relatively brief few years, is something I'd try to do differently. Figuring out how to keep a relationship going on forever (and not just falling in love forever in my heart and mind) is another skill I'd still like to master.

I remember when you met Alice and I admire you for the life your chose. Kids? Four legged kids? Family? Are you in touch with Rob, Mike, and Maddy and how are they doing? I didn't know Andrew well, but him too? I imagine mom and dad may be gone, hope not, but I shudder inside as there could be sad news after all these years. Still, I would like to know. As emo as this may sound, the Ricci house is my fondest memory of family life. I can still get teary eyed thinking back and remembering, but then, I'm just still a mushy kid inside in a world full of hard asses and people scared of their emotions and honesty, so I've learned to smile silently most of the time :)

How about other people we knew? Stay in touch with any of them? I find some on Facebook now and then, though I am not on Facebook much.

Ah painting. I painted my best friend's (adopted sister) bedroom last month (three coats and baseboards all in one very long day) and in spite of playing ball often, I woke up some muscles I forgot I had lol. She lives in Lake Helen, FL which is about twenty minutes from here and it was a surprise for her fiance who was away for business for the night so we only had one day to get it done. I bought a house in Loughman, FL, 1990 and did all the maintenance for five years before I moved to Toronto, so I know some of what goes into house-care. Another poor financial choice was letting that house go, but the things we do for love (and love, at the time, was in Toronto). Wonderful memories.

Ah, you understand the flip phone life in a smart phone world :) The county promised me an iPhone 6 in October. I still haven't bought a new one, but between work, softball, and other activities, I do depend on the communication a smart phone provides. Erika (the best friend/sister I mentioned about painting) offered to buy me one but I a terrible accepting gifts so I've avoided the subject lol. I really should get one before the tournament next week as connecting with 15 people in another city can be impossible without links and maps and so on.

Catch me up on the almost 40 years whenever you have the time. I have a big space in my head and heart for you and you're welcome to add memories to it anytime. :)

As we catch up, I may just try to do a time line of life one of these days, year by year. Those used to be fun (for me, at least lol) :)

Take care and keep in touch, I'm glad to have found you again.

PS... I Hate You

The full title, for publishing purposes, is PS.. I Hate You (With Love)

Yes, there is a PS to this entry because there is a PS to the letter in the previous entry which you may want to read, since a PS comes after the letter, in most cases. Once again it turns out that as unique as I can be in so many ways, he did sucker me in to purchasing something this time. In his previous thirty or fifty letters over the last many years, I was able to resist the temptation to buy some sort of hard copy of his brilliance, but the songs CD just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Weird, maybe, but not Al, just Ash lol.

Anywawho, there are so many amusements to explore on the brilliant man's site that even when there's nothing new the wealth of stuff is enough to provide endless hours of pondering and other writings the likes of which Pinky and the Brain (and any insatiable babbler) would be most proud. Admirable, even. If I had the money (remember Your Song do ya?) I'd upgrade his website and increase his stock of T-Shirts (of course you knew I'd go there... I don't have $25 for more T-Shirts I don't have room for, but if I did, I'd buy some, especially Don't ask me what the score is, I don't even remember what game we are playing, among others not sold out... alas, so many are sold out, but that's life) and books (he's published more than a dozen and is working on a new one) and paintings and mugs and stuff and I suppose by now you might have guess that this man and his words have had a permanent place in the life I loosely call mine ever since I was a much littler child. Apparently, he can still trick me with his cleverness, or my love. lol :)

PS... I hate you (with love),

I may have been suckered into a purchase, you wicked despot, you. I suppose you are helping me lose weight, a medical goal on my agenda that recently moved from the back burner to the front thanks to lab tests and modern medical data. I will not eat this weekend, much, and definitely will not spend $, as I've given you my weekend allowance for splurging on things I want but do not need. To compound matters, my iPhone 5, that was a hand-me-down gift some three years ago from a kind-hearted 20 year old friend who purchases the latest gadget every year, died two weeks ago (the phone, the friend is now 23 and living as well as we humans can manage) and I've been saving every penny to purchase a new phone and really should not put it off another week as I am going to Nashville to pitch in a softball tournament next weekend and phones are essential for communicating with a team on an away trip. The trip itself is forcing a zero-spending limit for the month of July, which was supposed to start in June, so you may be lucky to have found me on a very vulnerable day-before-the-deadline as you thawed the spending freeze before it fully solidified, which makes you evil in the budget office as they scramble to obtain more imaginary refrigerant.

Hopefully, you are as immune to guilt trips as I am and find my futile attempt to get free stuff as amusing as I do, but feel free to include a little gift for any reason at all, especially if you still remember the free love and communal sharing we once knew when we were young and foolish and oh so wise. Wisdom may truly be wasted on the young, but that doesn't mean it wasn't real at the time.

It is said that wisdom is wasted on the young... but that doesn't mean the young should give it back.

Anyway, this is a PS, so it should be less lengthy than an actual letter... not that anything must be as it should be. In fact, just imagine the world where thing were not always as they should be, but as they could be. In even more extended fact, I believe things should be as the could be a whole lot more than as they should be... oh, if only they would be. What a wonderful world this should could would be.

You may have guessed that my first doctor was named Seuss, who's name I used to spell wrong until I remembered that Suess should rhyme with guess and his name is Seuss. Not that words always sound as they should, but if they could... oh no, let's not start that merry go round again. Instead, let's just say thank you very much for the inspiration to let the words flow freely just a little, for the free associative babbling is the refuge of the sanity that still might be left in the cranial capacitors between the ears of the head that sits on neck of the body I loosely call mine for however long I can keep up the ever more complicated maintenance program and ever increasing payments. Once upon a time, I might have been a revered elder in a tribe of people who respected the Earth and each other. Alas, this experience of aging in the current modern culture is so sad, I wonder how many more years I will want to continue doing it. Forever seems so futile sometimes. On the other hand, my calendar is relatively free and there are still so many possibilities to explore before whatever might come next, so I'll just stick around and see what happens. This moment, after all, is quite enjoyable. Even if I'm the only one getting pleasure out of it.

If you want to know more, please deposit 25 cents for the next three minutes. Or click here for that matter. I blog almost daily, sometimes several times a day, and somehow maintain a hundred other blogs and about fifty pages on the current social media monster, in case it matters.

Thunder rolls across the sky inviting me to step outside of my mind (and this PS) to experience some weather. We get weather here every day, often loud and wet at this time of year. I've not played softball in at least two weeks because the fields have been too wet for safe play. I remember the days when I'd love to dive to catch a ball playing softball or football in fields puddled with slippery grass and much mud. I miss the days when there were not so many rules about running around and having fun.

In any case (wordy brother to anyway, I imagine), I shall pause this babble and take my leave from this PS with a wish for a day with many more smiles than frowns for both of us and we shall see if I enter my credit card information and click on that link on your site. I have a pay pal donation link on my primary blog in case anyone is interested. Just saying, as the kids say these days. I miss the days when I did not have to think about pennies so often too.

Thank you for being, oh brilliant one. Thank you for your emails and all the words you've shared over the years. May you find inspiration to find more and share more a lot more in this life and if there is a way, I hope to receive a pot shot after we are gone, wherever we may be.

honest love,
ric

You can find even more Ash here.

Brillance

Typically I do not link the source for inspiration to write these letters to friends out of respect for the privacy of the friends who inspire the letters, but this is a unique friend who's lived and danced in my mind for many decades now and he is brilliant and wouldn't mind that I share his brilliance with you.

Hug. I feel like we're old friends, at least in my mind. Your words have lived there for more than 50 years so far. :)

I know loss and loneliness. I've accepted that filling the space, internally and externally, of a lifelong partner is relatively impossible - which is a sadness without a bottom that I do my best to spend little time in because I can only tread on the surface for so long. There is, I learned as a young child (and am lucky enough to still remember sometimes) this wonderful momentary experience called life and experiencing the senses this body still affords me in each moment as fully as I can is still the best experience I can enjoy by myself. Do I do that as much a possible

I still dream of finding another compatible partner for however much longer this body keeps breathing (and I'm hoping for several more decades as I would like to see what being 100 years old is like for real, rather than just feeling like it now and then lol) and keep my heart and mind open to the possibility. At least a close enough friends to be a roommate perhaps, as I enjoy sharing a living room and daily rituals. I am challenging to please though and do not follow the core paths of thought most do in this world.

Yes, I enjoy being alone, but I also know the lonely abyss of missing a life partner and still wanting that sharing. The trick some people seem to learn is to no longer want it. Need is just wanting something more than you may need it. Or perhaps it is better said, neediness is wanting something more than you actually need it. I feel needy when I want something more than I need it. Almost a Pot-Shot, though I do not snap with your brilliance. :)

I lose myself in words, babbling, and find much amusement and comfort in writing to myself or to anyone who might care to read. I've gotten so used to writing in blogs to myself and anyone without responses that I seem to have forgotten how much I loved to communicate and correspondence is not as natural as it once was. Hundred page letters back and forth between pen pals was once a regular part of life for me. It's almost strange to write to an individual now. I smile, chuckle, and ponder why. Only slightly. :)

Anyway (the catch all segue word still very much in use in the babbling mind), I wrote to say I love you for the words you've brought into this life and for the thoughts your words inspired. May you continue for many more years.

I have your Pot Shot CD somewhere in storage, alas, much of the stuff of this life is in storage at this time, but I still enjoy the memories. A big box containing several hundred Pot Shot cards is also there, on antique paper by now as many were purchased in the sixties lol. Sadly, I must hold back on my desire for purchase, as I live very frugally at the moment, but if I win the lottery or something like that I will buy more new stuff.

Keep on keeping on, my friend in my mind. Know your life of words touched many and still does. I value your presence in this life above most others.

honest love,
ric

Loving The Music and Laughter

For all the girls I've loved before... lol lam, written to one who shares (co-authors) blogs long sleeping and memories long buried in the corners of the mind and written gardens far from daily life paths today... still, it turns me on. :)

It was that video (above) that came on after this video (to the right, posted by my most recent baby sister) (and the laughter came with the next three videos below) as the universe and youtube gave me cause to reflect on memories of this life and the laughter of acceptance and appreciation warmed the cockles of the heart still beating (in case you wondered) once again.

     

Even more amusing might be that the next video youtube chose was Billy Joel's Uptown Girl and I always wondered if down deep you might have secretly wanted to be one (or did you just toy with the idea), but in any case, I stopped by here to drop these words because I wondered just what Drops Of Jupiter meant to you and whether we saw similar connections in it. Was I the one who went off looking for myself out there (much against my will as it was your decision), or was that you doing that with me gone? When I am centered, I know me and what I am looking for is the one who can love as I love, with infantile unconditional trust and infinite endless unconditional love in the physical reality of this world. Still haven't found the one I'm looking for, but I understand how challenging doing that can be better than I ever have. I still don't accept that it is an impossible dream though. So I'll keep dreaming and smiling and laughing at the reminders of how profound and foolish and joyous and sad and euphoric and painful and amazingly emotional (the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling) and wondrously wonderful this life has been as I continue living in the moment and hoping and anticipating the next moment when everything will change and everyone will let love overcome fear. :)

Imagine :)

So how are you? I wonder more than I post here and maybe that is true for you too. You may not get a notice in your email when I post here or perhaps you just ignore it or put it off until the time to respond is right an that right time never comes for whatever reason, but whatever happens at your end, I am right here waiting for a response (and my email will tell me it arrived) because I don't waste time or love or life letting go of people who I adopted as family (but you know that) and whether that is because I never knew biological family (nurture) or because I simply am as I am (by nature or choice or both), I am as I am with spinach and La Cage Aux Folles references dancing through my mind) and I am still the happiest aware person I know.

Thumbs up to the sky (Douglas Adams understands) and hope for the miracle humans seem to need to survive, I wish you and anyone who thinks of me (I don't exist for them if they don't) and everyone else peace and love and happiness and a self-sufficient sense of security that lets love overcome fear. I hope you are smiling more than frowning in your life and may these words, if you find them, give you cause to widen your smile. If just for a moment, remember you were and are loved by me.

Who Am I To You?

Our lives are defined by our actions and also, by what others think of us (and our actions). It may be that the opinions of others are what defines us, since without those opinions it is fair to ask, do we exist? It is akin to the question about the tree falling in the forest, not in so much as does it make a sound? but rather, what if no one ever knew it fell and it decomposed and became part of the ground from whence it came? Did it exist if no one ever knew it was there?

Philosophers can debate, but for us human beings, I believe we do exist as solid (filled with liquid and gas) solitary beings even if no one ever knows we were alive, but it is how others perceive us that defines us beyond a sack of cells. To that end, I ask people who I am when people share this life for any extended period. Friends, family, roommates, the longer we share tie and/or space, the more defined we can be to each other.

This next letter comes to be along those lines.

I never really knew what you wanted from me other than help staying afloat financially, but I wanted to believe in the "BFF" term you kept using to describe me and I wanted to believe you wanted me to be in your life in some way. Maybe it's the way you are with friends and family. Maybe I am deluding myself to think you want a big brother and he might be me.

It's not sadness I am trying to express. It is uncertainty. I am who I am and will always be here for anyone I've ever loved and adopted in any way. I adopted you as my sister and I just don't know if that is too presumptuous or if you even want that.

I hope that makes sense and you understand.

I am not asking for anything more than clarity about what you want from me and who I am to you. Maybe I'm your parachute packed away in the back of your mind and life just in case you ever need a place to land. Maybe even that is not accurate.

So anyway, all this wondering comes about because the body is challenging me to go to the doctor cuz I've had diarrhea since Valentine's Day. I don't think they are connected lol, but then, who knows. It could be a lot of things. Reaction to antibiotics I was taking for an infected leg, food poisoning I thought I got from New Peking Buffet, sudden change in diet, appetite, weight loss, blah blah, could even be a parasite or virus or bacterial infection (someone suggested C Diff).

I am surprisingly ok with having no one to call other than 911 if I have that serious an emergency and I have no one I trust enough to put down as an emergency contact. I am just kind of wanting to understand where I am and who I am in life and part of that is understanding where I am and who I am to the people in my life.

I don't know if it is time to stop caring and shift you into the distance like Precious, Minnie, and others I've adopted along the way. Not that I stopped caring about them, but I just don't stay in touch much (though I do nudge Precious for her phone bill each month and she has started paying the last few months... yay for big girl responsibilities lol :)

Too much thinking? Too much reflections? Too much wondering?

Don't want to choose a "place" in this life I loosely call mine?

Just let the drift away happen without mentioning it cuz it's too awkward?

Maybe I don't know you as well as I think I do, but somehow... the last fits and yet - I don't know if you want it to fit because I think you are maturing and realizing that is the an-awareness that got you into all sorts of messes (financially and in relationships) in the past.

Is this me looking out for my little sister?

Or is this me butting in where I am not wanted?

Or me just wanting to re-define myself again?

Could just be me with too much time on my hands as I wait for the laundry to get done so I can have clean sheets and go to sleep. :)

Will I ever know? :)

My blogs have all the details of the body challenges and a lot more. I write in them pretending someone will care to know every little detail of this life I live someday. Would be nice if they came along while I am still alive, but maybe I'll be discovered like Van Gogh and be a beloved babbler (poet, sage, village idiot, I mean, like any good puppy, I'll accept any role for a little constant attention ya know?) someday by future generations.

A life ought to have some meaning, purpose, and proof of existence, after all.

Like the Who's in Whoville, I am here, I am here, I am here. :)

Someday someone will understand :)

So how are you?

Narf :)

honest love,
me (whomever I may be :)

Life Is Sharing

I do not know how else I can explain it other than to say it, sharing is life and sharing is caring and caring is living and life is sharing and life is sharing caring.

I am never more alive than when I am sharing caring. I strive to be always caring, but sometimes the caring is buried deep, always there (cuz I am not dead), but sometimes numbness surrounds it and apathy, procrastination, and boredom is the skin deep appearance. That happens sometimes when the sharing, especially the deeper sharing, which is fuel for the caring, wanes too much. The sharing is seldom here these days.

I am not ready to give up and sit back and stop reaching out in every way I can with everything I've got and hoping someone notices and understands and likes what I offer and reaches out and starts sharing, so here we are again. An online friend of a decade and a half, maybe longer, one of the blog family (if you recall), keeps the blog family blog alive and inspires more hope on a recurring basis... this is what follows.

Oh my badness, letting your comment sit here for weeks, or almost weeks and then I think, but what is time... and then I think, time is never enough when life is full of wonder and excitement and sharing and time is an infinite abyss when empty and longing for someone to care.

Is time all that? Probably a lot more and nothing, as it is one more measure of the illusion we live as a finite life.

What if no one can relate?

I find my reaction to that possibility more akin to a deep and unending sadness than fear. I am alone, always. I learned that as an infant or whenever the first thoughts coalesced in this brain I call mine. I looked out through these eyes and saw others in their own bodies and wanted to share, so I tried to learn how the interactions work, how communication works, how to feel less alone. I learned how to share in many ways, but always knew it was illusory - bonds we create in the mind to disassociate from the experience of being alone in these individual shells we call bodies. My awareness of this fact has ended many relationships as I've yet to meet anyone who actualizes the awareness in conscious physical sharing as I do. My awareness seems to be an affront to those who accept the illusion as reality while denying awareness that it is an illusion.

And not alone, yes, for there are a few like you who understand that sharing is accepting the communication in the moment as the sharing it is - shared thought, shared feeling, shared experience of understanding and trusting that someone cares to listen, read, and wants to understand.

Believing someone cares enough to want to understand is the first most important step toward understanding, sharing, and feeling not alone.

Thank you so very much for sharing this. :)

Yes, our dear family choose to remain mostly silent now for their own reasons. They may have forgotten this blog even exists as some have never joined. Privacy is so important to them that sharing is secondary. For me, it is the opposite to extremes that keep many from sharing with me. I want to understand because I care, but I not sharing is so not what I want in this life, it is challenging for me to stop babbling openly about everything that I experience in the hope someone like me will come along and share everything openly anywhere sharing can happen.

In this blogworld, for instance,you are the only one who accepted the invitation to share this blog. I've known each of the others in our family through sharings outside of blogging and even there, they choose silence much more than communicative sharing these days. I wish I could find a way to motivate them to share some more words, some interactions, some of the joy I find in words and other sharing. I remind them as I do you (sometimes too often for their private silence, perhaps, but they know I mean well), they are always welcome, encouraged to share, and loved.

I am permanent within myself as long as my consciousness can bring clarity of perception to reasonable understanding. Everything else is transient illusion. You recur enough to be a constant, though not daily, much more constant than a comet and comets offer permanence... recurrence offers enough proof of existence to offer permanence. :)

I have a day off from work today so catching up on emails that point me to comments and other connections is the bliss I enjoy as laundry spins and I remain open to whatever else may come.

I close reminded of the Robin Williams film, What Dreams May Come, which calls me back to an understanding that came from outside of my head that seemed to fit inside my head - which is the best kind of experience short of sharing the experience with another person.

Many hugs shared and a big smile for being here :)

I miss you all, blog family.

Many Hugs and honest love.

and Narf, always narf :)

Morning Euphoria (and other perspectives)

Sometimes I write a letter to someone and feel like the whole world should read it. Sometimes it's just ego telling me I might get some attention, positive reactions, response, or feedback. Sometimes it is a deeply intuitive sense of connection to an ethereal universal feeling that suggests the words might actually help save humanity from self-destruction and/or record a meaningful moment in the epoch of human existence on this planet. I don't think this next letter is any of those things because I think it may be all of those things and more. In that sense, it likely dilutes any profound meaning or value while possibly giving some modicum of worth to the egocentric babblings that give me my own little mental madhouse in which I can find refuge and amusement when I wake up refreshed enough to find it.

Feel free to decide for yourself because, after all, that is the only thing we can do.

lol lam laa :)

If this in any way gives cause for pain of any kind to anyone, please do not keep it inside, please let me know and work with me to find out why... for my intent is to do no harm and to offer something worthwhile... I hope I achieve my intent, always. That last statement just expanded and became a part of the right column (or pane) of this blog and seeks further edification and sharing. That wonderful feeling of clarity comes over me right now and I thank you for inspiring it. May it do no harm. :)

Your first paragraph, yes, it is so true and so much of what I do to... though I do it differently (than you and than most people as I certainly use different words, and a lot more of them, which makes your writing more valuable because it is more succinct, on topic, neat, and therein offers more clarity and yet, my way amuses me and offers me more insight and amazement and pleasure, so I am grateful for our communication because it provides me with both my way and your way and the best of both), the outcome - turning lemons into lemonade, finding some positivity in everything, even humor, that is my way. I do it internally in silence as you do but also through words (redundantly and repetitively as may become obvious any moment now lol lam), my way meanders through thickets full of thorns and spiders and snakes (am I remembering a stereotype of what boys are made of or am I hearing a Carly Simon song in my head here? lol lam... of course both and more) but I do get to what many have called an overwhelming perspective of sugar and spice and everything nice in the end when I close my eyes and let my world unfold around me and sooth me and lead me to the awareness that I am part of everything as is everything.

Then I start all over again trying to interact and understanding the world outside of my head.

See? A lot more words and meandering lol lam :)

I am so happy we continue to communicate and you are ok with whatever I share. My butt still hurts when I poop and blood, still, and yes, another doctor, I should do... cryptic phrasing serves it's purpose... and tell the new doctor that the other half dozen doctors I saw this year say nothing is wrong. Naturally nothing is wrong with dying, we all do it and it is a natural part of the life cycle that no one cn avoid as far as we know, but come on, chronic pain and bleeding should not be a natural part of daily life, right? There are many who know the limits of the medical profession and industry better than I and yet, if they even seemed like they cared I might buy into their meaningless words a bit more. Two of them with a lot of expensive letters after their names did expensive exams of the poop shute, colon and rectum and anus, not necessarily in that order. The last guy looked three times. Way too impersonally for me so I won't be back in spite of his highest ratings on the doctor rating websites. Still, nothing to be concerned about, they all say.

Happy happy joy joy lol lam laa :)

Seriously, I woke up happy and I am having much fun today in spite of the poop pain. Naturally that provides the opportunity to dig deep into my psyche and mine for the angst and agonies cuz the euphoria provides a sense of invincibility. It is a wonderful feeling (and all ego aside, we won't pretend it is not true and real, even if that seems like an illusion {or delusion} to those who do not understand the awareness that brings one to this place of consciousness).

I realized last night that I have not sat back comfortably in a recliner or couch to relax and watch TV or listen to music or write in a year and three quarters. That is sad. In the past couple of days I reached a new level of understanding and acceptance of life and the people in it and giving up on close personal friendships as I felt myself moving from hoping Jackson or others will maintain closeness to accepting distant family relationships like anyone in the world can be and actually is instead of being close personal individual trusted friends. That is sad. It is sad when someone who is trusted to share all the hopes and fears and vulnerabilities inside suddenly disappears and does not care to be there when you feel weak or afraid. Very sad, but I am so very happy I have reached that point of acceptance again.

Maybe that is why some do not feel comfortable sharing their most vulnerable weaknesses, their fears and pains. Maybe some have experienced the sadness of depending on someone outside of themselves to listen, to respond, to care and they disappeared once too often so we reach a point of not sharing, not hoping, and not allowing ourselves to depend on anyone outside of our self. I know I am there inside, somewhere, but I also know I still nurture the hope and hunger to share an intimate dependency of trust so I experience an agonizing loneliness. I so hope you don't.

Did you notice how the pronouns morphed from general external to mutual to you?

Shhhhh, that would be telling lol lam lam :)

Roller coaster rambling is so much fun (even more than an open sleigh of some configuration). This is the waking up happy and in love with myself and everything mood I am in. I can let the roller coaster roll through what may appear, in words, to be deep sadness and profound pain and it is - make no mistake that it isn't - yet the joy of feeling it and experiencing it and expressing it overwhelms any pain or fear or doubt or weak feeling because in expressing it I find strength and hope and joyous celebration.

Makes sense to me (so there's a party going on in my head lol lam).

In case you did not know, I am actually laughing when I lol lam... it may not be heard in the words, but I am :)

And smiling such a self-satisfied smile :)

Yay too. :)

I caved in last night and ordered Italian. $40 which should have easily been two big meals and could have been four, but I ate it all in one sitting. Eggplant parm, spaghetti, more eggplant parm, and a calzone with extras inside. And a salad. Still, I no longer drink anything but water 98% maybe 99% of the time. That helps keep me from going too far over the 220 pound mark.

I read through the doctor's paperwork that was posted on the hospital portal last night. The paperwork says my weight is normal. The paperwork also says that I am a light smoker. This is official medical documentation that insurance companies can review and they can't even get basic intake information correct. What a sad state of affairs in such an expensive industry.

What books are you reading? I miss reading. Reading puts me to sleep now. The last time I read was around the time the last Harry Potter book came out. I read those and all of Stephen King and so much more during the first decade of this century, millennium, even. The library was part of my weekly rounds. I loved the atmosphere in the big libraries. I was getting books by mail from the library too. I miss my library. I forgot whether it was 10 or 20 thousand books in storage up north. more that 20 thousand, I think. Even more magazines. I was getting more than a hundred different magazine subscriptions in the 1980s, the peak years. And the more than 10 thousand vinyl recordings. I miss my collections suddenly so much more than I usually do. Most days I barely think about them, though they are ever present in a layer of consciousness just below the surface, a layer I am always aware of, yet I've learned to skim or skip over as I wander through my daily activities Jane is the only one interested in the storage stuff of the people in my local physical environment. Local has become up to an hour away these days as people move around this area. Soon, California will be local (don't know whether to laugh or cry, so I'll laugh lol lam lal) :)

While I love the intimacy of personal correspondence (and even love the intimacy of blogging and the intimacy is very real for me here as I pour myself into words for all to see), intimacy really should be a lot closer than this sometimes, ya know? :)

Maybe you disagree and I understand that words can be as intimate as any connection, I've been there more than a few times. These words I share with you are as close to my core, as unfiltered and vulnerable as any I share I think.

This is intimacy too.

Your county library, I read the word county and realize I am a caretaker of my county. Hundreds of thousands of people and I have a role in every one of their lives in my job. Wow. Are you in LA county? New York of Kings or... those are huge counties. So many people. And then I realize that every county has an emergency management department or division or office or person. In the smallest counties, it's the sheriff who serves as just about everything. Sometimes it's the fire chief or mayor, but there are counties without either I think. Small places with few people who pretty much govern and take care of themselves rather informally. And outside of this country, so many other ways of social agreements and peace. That is what government is, ultimately, just social agreements intended to keep the peace. Pity they wander so far from their purpose when they get too big.

Someday I feel like that last paragraph could be worth reading, in fact, this is one of those letters that feels like valuable writing for humanity and posterity (or is that just my ego and euphoric mood? lol lam)... perhaps with some excellent editing lol... but it is written to you and it should not be shared without editing, fictionalizing, depersonalizing. So I edit, fictionalize, generalize, and depersonalize wondering if it is disrespectful to the level of sacrilegious or considerate?

One person's reverence is another person's sacrilege.

The truth is that some the greatest writings, fiction or non-fiction, are those that are deeply personalized while still being universal.

As an avid reader (yu are still reading this so I make an assumption with a mischievous grin), does that not make sense? Agree or disagree, Very seriously, I'd really love to know your thoughts on this thought about writing.

That reminds me that I loved Stephen King's On Writing ... it is a top ten non-fiction book in my library. Just one more reason I love King.

And suddenly the phone rang, twice.

Sarducci called to invite me to his party next Saturday. Helen called to ask me to stop by today to fix her shower. She would take me to dinner tonight, but my digestive system is still coping with the Italian food pig out (no pain, no gain lol except the gain in this instance defied {and defiles} the intent of that phrase, aye? Anyway, no pain or discomfort other than bloat and pain on the toilet seat, so far, thank goodness... crazy as I am, I might change my mind and go to the crazy buffet by the evening.. if only because it is so appropriately named).

I checked my softball calendar and saw there was no game today so I told Helen I'd be there about 5 as I have a party later tonight (she doesn't party or socialize in large groups much partly or even mostly because she does not enjoy the social bullshit most people consider communication which is why we relate well and is usually in bed by 9 PM so I stopped asking her to come along long ago and she's good with that cuz she knows she's welcome) and I thanked her and put it on my calendar.

I thanked Sarducci for his call and invite and put that on my calendar. He said he knows I am not on Facebook much (most people use it more than telephones or any other form of communication, even as a personal social calendar) and that is why I sometimes don't show up to his parties. Good deal, you want me, call me (or at least text me)... or write me a letter if it's not needing a time-sensitive response :)

Facebook, sigh, it is such a misnomer. It is the single most powerful reason that people do not actually have as much face-to-face communication as they used to. Used to be that distance was the primary reason, but I really think if a scientific study could be done, people who live more than 100 miles away from each other who are not Facebook-dependent actually see each other and communicate better than people who live in the same town or city who are Facebook-dependent. I think the DSM-VI needs to include Facebook, or at the very least Internet-dependency as a category of mental disorder classifications lol (actually, there was controversy about this when DSM-V was being written so while I laugh, the thought is not as absurd as it may first appear).. As far back as 2011, Madison Avenue and techies were talking about Facebook Addiction. There is actually growing evidence that it dis-orders a lot of minds. Can clinical evidence be far behind?

Yeah, so there I am off on a linking tangent again so here you go, another letter in your box. Since the links have begun it means I am rolling along and ready to head to my babbling blogging mode. I hope this roller coaster of words and topics was fun for you. It was much fun for me and I feel even better than I did when I woke (euphoria is infinite, ya know?) because resolution and reassurance emerged from responding to your words. I love it when the writing process works. :)

May today start out easier than most days and turn into a beautiful day full of love and laughter and quiet peace. I hope the noise of the world outside is quiet and some life flies and flutters by your windows. I hope you feel like enjoying the world outside your door and the weather welcomes you with comfortable breezes and the sun warms your face. May it be a good day. :)

I wish the same for all of you.

Narf :)