Feel free to decide for yourself because, after all, that is the only thing we can do.
lol lam laa :)
If this in any way gives cause for pain of any kind to anyone, please do not keep it inside, please let me know and work with me to find out why... for my intent is to do no harm and to offer something worthwhile... I hope I achieve my intent, always. That last statement just expanded and became a part of the right column (or pane) of this blog and seeks further edification and sharing. That wonderful feeling of clarity comes over me right now and I thank you for inspiring it. May it do no harm. :)
Your first paragraph, yes, it is so true and so much of what I do to... though I do it differently (than you and than most people as I certainly use different words, and a lot more of them, which makes your writing more valuable because it is more succinct, on topic, neat, and therein offers more clarity and yet, my way amuses me and offers me more insight and amazement and pleasure, so I am grateful for our communication because it provides me with both my way and your way and the best of both), the outcome - turning lemons into lemonade, finding some positivity in everything, even humor, that is my way. I do it internally in silence as you do but also through words (redundantly and repetitively as may become obvious any moment now lol lam), my way meanders through thickets full of thorns and spiders and snakes (am I remembering a stereotype of what boys are made of or am I hearing a Carly Simon song in my head here? lol lam... of course both and more) but I do get to what many have called an overwhelming perspective of sugar and spice and everything nice in the end when I close my eyes and let my world unfold around me and sooth me and lead me to the awareness that I am part of everything as is everything.
Then I start all over again trying to interact and understanding the world outside of my head.
See? A lot more words and meandering lol lam :)
I am so happy we continue to communicate and you are ok with whatever I share. My butt still hurts when I poop and blood, still, and yes, another doctor, I should do... cryptic phrasing serves it's purpose... and tell the new doctor that the other half dozen doctors I saw this year say nothing is wrong. Naturally nothing is wrong with dying, we all do it and it is a natural part of the life cycle that no one cn avoid as far as we know, but come on, chronic pain and bleeding should not be a natural part of daily life, right? There are many who know the limits of the medical profession and industry better than I and yet, if they even seemed like they cared I might buy into their meaningless words a bit more. Two of them with a lot of expensive letters after their names did expensive exams of the poop shute, colon and rectum and anus, not necessarily in that order. The last guy looked three times. Way too impersonally for me so I won't be back in spite of his highest ratings on the doctor rating websites. Still, nothing to be concerned about, they all say.
Happy happy joy joy lol lam laa :)
Seriously, I woke up happy and I am having much fun today in spite of the poop pain. Naturally that provides the opportunity to dig deep into my psyche and mine for the angst and agonies cuz the euphoria provides a sense of invincibility. It is a wonderful feeling (and all ego aside, we won't pretend it is not true and real, even if that seems like an illusion {or delusion} to those who do not understand the awareness that brings one to this place of consciousness).
I realized last night that I have not sat back comfortably in a recliner or couch to relax and watch TV or listen to music or write in a year and three quarters. That is sad. In the past couple of days I reached a new level of understanding and acceptance of life and the people in it and giving up on close personal friendships as I felt myself moving from hoping Jackson or others will maintain closeness to accepting distant family relationships like anyone in the world can be and actually is instead of being close personal individual trusted friends. That is sad. It is sad when someone who is trusted to share all the hopes and fears and vulnerabilities inside suddenly disappears and does not care to be there when you feel weak or afraid. Very sad, but I am so very happy I have reached that point of acceptance again.
Maybe that is why some do not feel comfortable sharing their most vulnerable weaknesses, their fears and pains. Maybe some have experienced the sadness of depending on someone outside of themselves to listen, to respond, to care and they disappeared once too often so we reach a point of not sharing, not hoping, and not allowing ourselves to depend on anyone outside of our self. I know I am there inside, somewhere, but I also know I still nurture the hope and hunger to share an intimate dependency of trust so I experience an agonizing loneliness. I so hope you don't.
Did you notice how the pronouns morphed from general external to mutual to you?
Shhhhh, that would be telling lol lam lam :)
Roller coaster rambling is so much fun (even more than an open sleigh of some configuration). This is the waking up happy and in love with myself and everything mood I am in. I can let the roller coaster roll through what may appear, in words, to be deep sadness and profound pain and it is - make no mistake that it isn't - yet the joy of feeling it and experiencing it and expressing it overwhelms any pain or fear or doubt or weak feeling because in expressing it I find strength and hope and joyous celebration.
Makes sense to me (so there's a party going on in my head lol lam).
In case you did not know, I am actually laughing when I lol lam... it may not be heard in the words, but I am :)
And smiling such a self-satisfied smile :)
Yay too. :)
I caved in last night and ordered Italian. $40 which should have easily been two big meals and could have been four, but I ate it all in one sitting. Eggplant parm, spaghetti, more eggplant parm, and a calzone with extras inside. And a salad. Still, I no longer drink anything but water 98% maybe 99% of the time. That helps keep me from going too far over the 220 pound mark.
I read through the doctor's paperwork that was posted on the hospital portal last night. The paperwork says my weight is normal. The paperwork also says that I am a light smoker. This is official medical documentation that insurance companies can review and they can't even get basic intake information correct. What a sad state of affairs in such an expensive industry.
What books are you reading? I miss reading. Reading puts me to sleep now. The last time I read was around the time the last Harry Potter book came out. I read those and all of Stephen King and so much more during the first decade of this century, millennium, even. The library was part of my weekly rounds. I loved the atmosphere in the big libraries. I was getting books by mail from the library too. I miss my library. I forgot whether it was 10 or 20 thousand books in storage up north. more that 20 thousand, I think. Even more magazines. I was getting more than a hundred different magazine subscriptions in the 1980s, the peak years. And the more than 10 thousand vinyl recordings. I miss my collections suddenly so much more than I usually do. Most days I barely think about them, though they are ever present in a layer of consciousness just below the surface, a layer I am always aware of, yet I've learned to skim or skip over as I wander through my daily activities Jane is the only one interested in the storage stuff of the people in my local physical environment. Local has become up to an hour away these days as people move around this area. Soon, California will be local (don't know whether to laugh or cry, so I'll laugh lol lam lal) :)
While I love the intimacy of personal correspondence (and even love the intimacy of blogging and the intimacy is very real for me here as I pour myself into words for all to see), intimacy really should be a lot closer than this sometimes, ya know? :)
Maybe you disagree and I understand that words can be as intimate as any connection, I've been there more than a few times. These words I share with you are as close to my core, as unfiltered and vulnerable as any I share I think.
This is intimacy too.
Your county library, I read the word county and realize I am a caretaker of my county. Hundreds of thousands of people and I have a role in every one of their lives in my job. Wow. Are you in LA county? New York of Kings or... those are huge counties. So many people. And then I realize that every county has an emergency management department or division or office or person. In the smallest counties, it's the sheriff who serves as just about everything. Sometimes it's the fire chief or mayor, but there are counties without either I think. Small places with few people who pretty much govern and take care of themselves rather informally. And outside of this country, so many other ways of social agreements and peace. That is what government is, ultimately, just social agreements intended to keep the peace. Pity they wander so far from their purpose when they get too big.
Someday I feel like that last paragraph could be worth reading, in fact, this is one of those letters that feels like valuable writing for humanity and posterity (or is that just my ego and euphoric mood? lol lam)... perhaps with some excellent editing lol... but it is written to you and it should not be shared without editing, fictionalizing, depersonalizing. So I edit, fictionalize, generalize, and depersonalize wondering if it is disrespectful to the level of sacrilegious or considerate?
One person's reverence is another person's sacrilege.
The truth is that some the greatest writings, fiction or non-fiction, are those that are deeply personalized while still being universal.
As an avid reader (yu are still reading this so I make an assumption with a mischievous grin), does that not make sense? Agree or disagree, Very seriously, I'd really love to know your thoughts on this thought about writing.
That reminds me that I loved Stephen King's On Writing ... it is a top ten non-fiction book in my library. Just one more reason I love King.
And suddenly the phone rang, twice.
Sarducci called to invite me to his party next Saturday. Helen called to ask me to stop by today to fix her shower. She would take me to dinner tonight, but my digestive system is still coping with the Italian food pig out (no pain, no gain lol except the gain in this instance defied {and defiles} the intent of that phrase, aye? Anyway, no pain or discomfort other than bloat and pain on the toilet seat, so far, thank goodness... crazy as I am, I might change my mind and go to the crazy buffet by the evening.. if only because it is so appropriately named).
I checked my softball calendar and saw there was no game today so I told Helen I'd be there about 5 as I have a party later tonight (she doesn't party or socialize in large groups much partly or even mostly because she does not enjoy the social bullshit most people consider communication which is why we relate well and is usually in bed by 9 PM so I stopped asking her to come along long ago and she's good with that cuz she knows she's welcome) and I thanked her and put it on my calendar.
I thanked Sarducci for his call and invite and put that on my calendar. He said he knows I am not on Facebook much (most people use it more than telephones or any other form of communication, even as a personal social calendar) and that is why I sometimes don't show up to his parties. Good deal, you want me, call me (or at least text me)... or write me a letter if it's not needing a time-sensitive response :)
Facebook, sigh, it is such a misnomer. It is the single most powerful reason that people do not actually have as much face-to-face communication as they used to. Used to be that distance was the primary reason, but I really think if a scientific study could be done, people who live more than 100 miles away from each other who are not Facebook-dependent actually see each other and communicate better than people who live in the same town or city who are Facebook-dependent. I think the DSM-VI needs to include Facebook, or at the very least Internet-dependency as a category of mental disorder classifications lol (actually, there was controversy about this when DSM-V was being written so while I laugh, the thought is not as absurd as it may first appear).. As far back as 2011, Madison Avenue and techies were talking about Facebook Addiction. There is actually growing evidence that it dis-orders a lot of minds. Can clinical evidence be far behind?
Yeah, so there I am off on a linking tangent again so here you go, another letter in your box. Since the links have begun it means I am rolling along and ready to head to my babbling blogging mode. I hope this roller coaster of words and topics was fun for you. It was much fun for me and I feel even better than I did when I woke (euphoria is infinite, ya know?) because resolution and reassurance emerged from responding to your words. I love it when the writing process works. :)
May today start out easier than most days and turn into a beautiful day full of love and laughter and quiet peace. I hope the noise of the world outside is quiet and some life flies and flutters by your windows. I hope you feel like enjoying the world outside your door and the weather welcomes you with comfortable breezes and the sun warms your face. May it be a good day. :)
I wish the same for all of you.
Narf :)
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