Friday, May 6, 2016

This Blog World

This follows the previous entry here and comes from an email to the friend mentioned previously. It, through a series of edits and additions, seems to be becoming one of the more chronologically structured maps of the written gardens I've written in many years and while cursory in many spots, it could serve as one of the most detailed introductions to the online gardens I can offer at the moment, especially pertaining to the growth and expansion of the daily blogs.

As usual there will be the sudden asides, self-mockery, utter nonsense, and desperately seeking attention moments (which may well be a screening or pruning process as my friend posed for further pondering), but the bottom line path to the core of the child inside of me (who is me) might eventually show through the babble somewhere along the trail. I hope you enjoy your journey through this entry and if you find time and interest enough to click on links and explore further (it could take hundred of hours to read it all, maybe thousands, but who's counting, aye?), I hope you enjoy that even more (and will let me know). Make yourself comfortable, have refreshments on hand, and enjoy your journey. :)

I smile as ponder whether emailing increases my sense of loneliness or whether my increased sense of loneliness leads me back to email. Perhaps that is a reverse Catch-22, or 42, even, but either way, I enjoy emailing when I have time and feel motivated as much as I once enjoyed pen palling through snail mail. Communicating one on one with a human who responds is very different than communicating with the universe and anyone who may read my blogs.

Blogs may well be be a safety valve as well as a safe way to feel the illusion of sharing as, while no one else is required, there is also no risk of directly being ignored or rejected because the words are just put out there. That makes blogging very different than words sent directly to one person in an email communication that anticipate a direct response. Maybe blogs are a way of chickening out on direct one-on-one sharing a bit, but I do love writing so much and nobody's ever been able to keep up with the word flow, so blogs continue daily even when nobody's around to share words.

As eluded to above, back in the eighties and nineties I had hundreds of pen pals and published two magazines for people who wanted to communicate through words and I was still seeking more correspondence. Yes, so we've determined that blogs let me attempt to satisfy that addiction to writing when there are fewer or even no people around. That makes the whole process, all in all, a good thing. In case it matters. :)

As you may have noticed if you've been around for years or simply clicked on enough links, especially in the daily blogs, there are pivotal moments in life that trigger a new daily blog. I do maintain one primary daily blog and have since before the internet was invented. The progression online started with the, well (and that's where I started to inadvertently {and now a little more vertently} create the map this entry is posted to present... took a while, but then, always does around here... one of the charms, perhaps, for the word lovers among us... one of the valences, screens, mazes, prunings, ah, the secret is out, aye? lol... shhh, we'll get on with this entry now), lets see about putting it together here (for me as much as you and posterity... queue flashback music and visual effects in your mind as we travel back in time to the beginning of the online written gardens).

The online journals start with "Keep In Touch" or "KIT" (not the first web writing, that may come later as it is a different path back a little ways from this one). The babbler was fully in charge at the time so following along can be quite confusing but the journals split up into branches that compartmentalized "Lifetimes", "Worklife", "Hearbeats", and ultimately a daily journal. I believe the daily journal first entry online was this one (still not the first web page).

Key alternative introduction paths from those first ten years online include "The Bios", "Musical Journeys", and other blogs linked in the "Getting to Know Me" section of the most up to date index found here called "Blogs and other Strangers".

. . . . I see we are segueing into a sort of aside... the non-daily blog branches off the tree of madness (the self-mocking name I give the paths of the gardens from time to time)... the second attempt to actually introduce myself was this web page when all the rage was rambling on as if scrolling was the only way to read and write on the web (the first attempt may be lost... again, the babbler was fully loaded and my name online at the time was "Anonanonanon". That was actually my third online name. "Sharetruth" was first, "Childinside" was second... and before we digress any further, let's get back to the first digression, the introduction to the introductions and the attempted organization of the gardens, and then we will get back to the initial purpose for this writing, mapping the daily journal path).

The first entryway into my written gardens also the second attempt to introduce myself linked in the previous paragraph and it was eventually called the Front Door" after the other entry ways below were created. It and many of the pages of that time were deleted by ATT, though some still survive on the web thanks to the Internet Web Archive. That was my first continuous hello to the world online. The first page I ever wrote is linked somewhere in that mass of babbling. I think it's called the "Babbling Intro" and it should be linked somewhere on the long and winding Front Door page.

On another path of attempted organization, eventually, I created a "Main Gate" that had dreams of being the a mesmerizing portal that drew you back again and again as first page you'd see, but I never learned enough web code to make it anywhere close to mesmerizing. For a direct path into more personal pages I created a "Window" where friends were meant to climb in like friends do on many TV shows and in many movies. A bit later on, I created a "Back Door" where anyone wanting to know me could find out more about me in a closer, more personal babbling and rhyming way. That Back Door was updated when I moved to a paid for web host and as much of the gardens as I could salvage followed me there. Apologies as some links do not work there, but many thousands of pages can be found from the oldest to the newest if you care to follow the links.

Each of those entrances then branched off into collections of writings for different reasons and purposes. Most of these early branches were linked on the "Crossroads" page which was the primary main index until the current primary index (Blogs and other Strangers) was created out of the rubble of the ATT closure of free web pages.

There are 21 primary branches listed on the Crossroads and those branch off into an additional 45 sub-branches, each with dozens and in some cases hundreds of pages, though anything started after 2008 is only listed on the current primary index (Blogs and other Strangers) and none of those original primary or secondary branches include the journal branches which I was starting to try to follow and guide us through me, you, and posterity so maybe it's a good time to get back to that. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Writter Gardens, aye? :)

. . . . aside pausing to return to the daily journals. :)

The original daily journal was on my own home site provided by ATT. Eventually, I sought more interaction and audience and it bled into a few journals on more public sites. I moved to Live Journal, then Diaryland, then Blogspot. Several other sites, including Myspace, the Onion, and others offered blogs for a while and I expanded into those communities hoping for some attention, interaction, and ultimately the friend and "the one" with whom I dreamed of sharing everything and that was the original and still may be the bottom line reason I put my words online. Closest to the core.

So there was the first journal on my free home server and then the first step out of privacy was Candor at LiveJournal. This was accompanied by a darker journal called Mostly Dead (cuz that is often how I felt at the time) where I moaned and cried and let depression out because, at the time, life was quite depressing (and much more redundant than this current moment, which I may repeat again later). This was the lingering and somewhat permanent pain of the aftermath of the Toronto experience. This darker path of Mostly Dead continued after the move to Diaryland, though there it was mostly rhymes and rhymes are such sweet darkness, if you know what I mean.

Somehow reaching for some sort of optimism, hope, and happy happy joy joy I gave the dreamer (hopelessly hopeful romantic) who, while near death, a renewed reason to realize the dream (and I) was still very much alive and that love of life and longing for love came out in the next incarnation of a daily blog (which was mostly rhyming cuz the dreamer thinks in rhymes). This path continues, though not frequently, after the move to blogspot, here.

The rhyming was a wonderfully healing release but it was somewhat detached from a daily life journal, diary, or blog, so in an attempt to actually write prose daily diary entries and not just rhyme, I started "Behind the Candoor" which lasted a couple of years. The daily blogs were still dominated by the babbler which may have limited the audience (or so I told myself at the time when I'd get lonely and want someone to read me). Those blogs in those days did have some readers who left the occasional note and when I paid for them, comments too.

I am not sure, at least for the moment, if "Candoor" ever actually had a blog to get behind lol, but there is probably some clever connection to something somewhere in the name that I may recall in another session of trying to create a map of the written gardens. I know I was trying to share more of myself as I was healing inside. :)

Before I left Diaryland, a dozen other blogs started there for various reasons during that period and they still exist, though are seldom added to. The one I mention most often is "The Funda" because it was my first real attempt at brief blogging and it had a theme of sorts and participated in a blogathon or two. I was kinda proud of The Funda and feel it is both silly and profound at times.

The other Diaryland blogs, or diaries, are listed on the often mentioned current index called Blogs and other Strangers (and the layout of the lists of blogs and pages on this current index have their own madness I may explain another time, but not right now... thank me later lol):

The move to Blogspot, which was about 12 years ago at the time of this writing (yes, all that came before this line were at least 12 years old connections), was primarily to leave comments on Blogspot for dfriends who moved there from Diaryland and others I started reading there, but eventually I moved on from Diaryland because Diaryland charged $ and did not offer nearly the features Blogspot offered for free. So "Behind the Candoor" gave way to a new daily blog called "We have only just begun... in RealTime(TM)" commonly called "RealTime(TM)" for short when I refer to it. It lasted two more years. I believe it also came about because I changed positions at work and shifts/hours from night shift to day shift and was attempting a tad more seriousness and organization and brevity in order to attract more audience and find that friends and the one and so on. The brevity did not work.

Perhaps because I missed the irreverence of The Funda, I created "Bullsugar" at Blogspot and had fun pretending to be profound while being quite silly for a while. Again, this was a supplimental blog. Over the course of the next ten years more than a hundred other supplemental blogs were started at Blogspot and almost all are still added to sooner or later. Some babble, some rhyme, some are quite brief. Each one having it's own unique theme and style, mostly. :)

Back to the daily blogs, after a couple of years "RealTime(TM)" gave way to the longest running continuous daily blog, "(e)thereal" which was again a reaction to major changes in life, in this case moving and changing living space people (living alone the first year then having Jackson move in the rest of the eight years that particular blog flowed. As I mentioned (or started to) somewhere, daily blogs usually move from one to another when I moved, changed jobs, changed roommates, or when I really want to try a different style of writing and this time all of the above were factors as wanted to make a real effort to blog in brief entries. The babbler was given many other (as I said, what is now more than a hundred) blogs at Blogspot to satisfy the addiction to babbling and "(e)thereal" almost succeeded in brief entry blogging for the longest of any blogs, 8 years and almost 7,000 entries. I still visit when I come to the blog world for some ritualistic purpose or something. Never give up, never surrender, the dream goes on. It is probably the biggest test for anyone who wants to be truly close to me because it is so many entries and spans such a long time frame. "The one" has her work cut out for her lol. :)

The second titled section in the current index "Blogs and other Strangers" called "possible future dailies and undefined blogs just scratching the surface (sprouts)" lists the additional supplimentsstarted and used during the "(e)thereal" blog period as the (e)thereal blog was slowly winding down to it's relative end (nothing ever really ends in the written gardens, at least not while I can still tap a few keys and upload something). Each blog has a purpose that we'll save for another time cuz I do know how to show a little mercy lol :)

As is the almost inevitibly eventual eventuality for any daily life blog, (e)thereal finally gave way to the latest current daily blog just two months ago (at this writing), on leap day in fact, when a new format consisting of two separate blogs (plus a supplemental third blog) became the current daily blog (set). For the first time, these blogs actually have explanatory pages like "About this Blog" pages and more, for what they are worth, in an attempt to introduce the blogs, me, and anyone mentioned in the blogs.

The first of the current blog set is a intended to be a brief synopsis of each day and called "In Case It Matters" and it is the basic "just the facts" report of the day most of the time. The second part of the two part daily blog set is where the babbler can expound as much as he wishes (or as much as time permits that day or night) as he dives into whatever may be going on and it is called "Dirt, Drama, and Details" because it is the dirt, drama, and details of the daily life. And finally, for the moment, the supplemental blog which is not daily, but still connected to the daily in various ways, some yet to be determined, is called paragraphs and closes this tour of the daily blog branches. Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and feel free to step inside. We dont bote. Much.

Of course I must include one more link just because my head might explode if I didn't and that is to a single page blog (so far) that kind of says - let me be - to anyone who would think I might be a bit disturbed or in any sort of distress (or actually succumbing to madness in some unhealthy way).

On this note, I will conclude this ridiculously self-indulgent tour of my written gardens (focusing primarily on the daily blogs with some expansion into supplemental blogs and the early pages and introductions scattered through) and now return you to your regular correspondence (which I will kindly start in another email. :)

Sooner or later I will publish this tour in a blog somewhere (wow, I'm prophetic, aye?) and I thank you, J, for the inspiration to take this walk these gardens with you and put this map guide thing together. I share this in the hope that you (and anyone) can better choose the place in my written gardens you would like to visit whenever you do. This provides a tapestry of how some of the gardens formed. The pruning, as you call it, and how I got to where I am today (with a little why thrown in cuz you care). :)

Are we having fun yet? lol lam :)

Hope it wasn't too painful.

honest love,

Yes, well... so therein exhibits some of the risks (letters, even before emails, would sometimes pause at a hundred pages and there have been sitings of single letters that went on for as many as five or six hundred pages.... books, no down, and long ones at that) of engaging in an email correspondence with me. No wonder I don't do it too often. Back in the day, the many hundreds of pen pals slowly became just dozens and of those dozens maybe a dozen hung in and kept up with the babbler (and fewere still actually followed all the long and winding roads woven through the words. A few reached the level of accepting exchanges where they'd receive hundreds of pages. It was an amazing marathon of words at times.

Perhaps the title of this blog finally makes sense. Or not, everything is relative, after all. :)

Friday, April 29, 2016

For Those Who Understand

Yes, life is a roller coaster of emotion and the last six months have certaily been a wild ride. Major endings and new beginnings marked the major changes that have come and gone. A few of those changes involved major disappointments in myself and others. This entry is a letter to an old friend (with some modifications) and touches upon some of those changes. It also reflects on the nature of relationships and especially why so few relationships really bring the satisfaction people seek.

I started out by sharing the changes in the daily blogging I do as we met through blogging. In our exchanges, we discussed highs and lows and how they affect us. What picks us up, what brings us down, and what turns us around. Writing to old friends opens me up to reflection and that usually helps resolve anything unresolved inside. Especially when catching up after some time has passed. This time I was reminded of things that should help me continue to grow and fly ever higher if I just remember them. As usual, there is information that might not be pretty and I mean no offense to anyone. I wish no hurt for the people I mention because I love them dearly. I share this not as a vent, but as a way for you to know me better. That is what this blog is about, sharing communications with others that express or summarize my experiences and philosophies so anyone who might be a friend can know me better. I hope it works for us. :)

It is bound to happen for me. I almost always journey on some paths through the past whenever I reconnect with you or anyone who cares and has been out of the daily contact for a while. I dive right in and see where the muses and music and links and words take me. First, blogging. The present is now a two-part (harmony?) blog set of daily life brevity in in case it matters and daily life focused babbling in dirt, drama, and details with the occasional addition of whatever in paragraphs tossed in for whyever, sometimes maybe for no apparent reason (and two other blogs are actually called "for no apparent reason" don'tcha know lol. I actually created "pages" for those new blogs (like "About this Blog", "About the Writer", "About the People" and so on) explaining what they are supposed to be about, introducing me, and introducing the people I mention. I linked those on the right side or top of each blog. That is new for me and it is a merging of conformity to accepted practices of twenty years ago and rebellion as that practice is not used so much today. That perspective amuses me. :)

They are the first blogs listed in the blog table of contents called blogs and other strangers that is the one link/starting point to save for posterity as even the old archived written gardens link and pages are linked there.

Anyway, as I rearrange the pieces of the puzzle of my past I smile at the heartaches and re-live the laughs (that is an old Harry Chapin lyric deeply part of my psyche, perspective, and way of being), it brings me back to now in a way that settles any qualms or concerns I might have about the Eagles lyric that is also a core part of me, never thought I'd be alone, this far down the line... if I could only stop my mind, from wondering what I left behind and worrying 'bout it's wasted time. The conclusion of the song is what I come back to in my own way as I accept changes - now you can get on with your life baby, and I can get on with mine and maybe someday we will find... that it wasn't really wasted time. Hope, always hope.

I am in a good place (I believe that is reflected in the words in the mini-explosion of babbling in my last few daily blog entries and other places) after a few weeks (or longer) of rearranging the pieces of the puzzle of the past near and far and digesting the recent changes and challenges and returning to the present intact once again. There is still more to go and come as the classic epic closure rhymes have yet to flow, but the process I use to survive and maintain sanity and positivity is wonderfully intact which always surprises me just a little as I see rainbows through my tears once again :)

Even without the stolen child (Waterboy's reference to music left in Toronto).

I gave myself a hair cut this week (we'll just nod at the sudden seque because we understand). Wednesday night just before leaving for softball I picked up the scissor. Impulsive. Didn't even have the right scissors and didn't wash the hair to straighten it, just got tired of the mop coming into my eyes so snip snip snip (definitely need sharper scissors) and the hair is shorter. The back is not shorter though. Curly said he couldn't tell I did it myself so maybe that is a good sign lol.

I love the way you phrased your first paragraph. Not just cuz it started out with positive stuff about me (thank you), but much more because I relate so much to the perspective you shared. It is me. The positive perspective of creativity. The lingering weight of loss (with the concluding positive perspective, the smile of the flower). As well as we get along in words, I think we'd really get along well as neighbors and offline friends too :)

In recent months, For the first time in a very long time, I experienced some of what you describe in your second paragraph. The past haunting in dreams and the future haunting the awake, conciously and subconsciously. I so seldom remember dreams in this life and rarely experience restlessness or un-rested sleep, but in the past few months I have. The three themes that seem to bring disturbance are work, Jackson, and money. The pretty much intentional failure at work (yes, I've come to terms with that reality. I basically stretched myself too thin with softball and giving Jackson time and other stuff and did not give 100 hours a week to the job and that is what it needed. I realized that I don't want that much time to go to a job anymore at this stage of life so I must compromise and look for something that is just a 40 hour week even though it'll pay a lot less). Then there is the sadness about Jackson so completely moving on with her life just when I needed a friend most. After helping her with money for so many years (and her constantly calling me her BFF), I was hoping she'd follow through on her stated intention to pay me back a little each month. Instead she bought a new car and has over $400 a month payment and is taking trips and living well because her partner is not charging rent so she has a lot of extra money to spend. Alas, she avoided a lot and still does. Then there is the financial reality and job search, both subjects I am avoiding as much as possible because I want to enjoy the time away from work. That trio of thought streams sometimes disturb my sleep with unsettling dreams and I don't sleep as well or feel as rested as I usually do. The good news is that it is getting better every week and got a lot better this week, I think :)

My waking hours are often very busy with fun with friends or fun writing/reading distractions, though the sadness of the trio of weights can roll over me like a black cloud and rain so hard if I let myself sit home alone doing nothing too long (so I do my best not to do that even when the body begs for rest). All in all, that's the worst of it and this week it feels like the worst of it is no longer the norm, but rather an offshore storm starting to diminish in strength or oil rig no longer gushing, but bleeding slightly and getting under control. The infection, so to speak, is healing. :)

Yes, that paradox is very much a huge part of the story of my life on and offline. I think it is because people are afraid to really share themselves. The walls do not come down. I think almost every human relationship, even ones that seem to work, can be summed up with the question in the Carly Simon song Do The Walls Come Down. Whether the word "fire" is left to reflect passion or romance or substituted for "friend" or "BFF" or brother/sister or any relationship, I think the singular obstacle to satisfaction for just about everyone is fear of letting the walls down completely to actualize unconditional trust and until unconditional trust is truly actualized, there is incomplete satisfaction because there is always that feeling that something is missing, something is hidden, something is not shared.

Online or off, that fear of sharing everything seems to be, to me at least, the reason for the paradox of the quest for sharing online that so often brings only silence.

I find pleasure, very often giggling glee, in simply hopping into bed or eating what I want to eat or taking a hot shower or sleeping in or in so many simple solitary daily activities. I must add some form of serious exercise to my daily routine as I once felt so much pleasure in getting my heart rate up to 160 and feeling my muscles come alive. I picked up Precious yesterday to take her to the ATT store to exchange her phone (why the code I set up didn't work is a mystery) and she is living in the apartment community I moved into when I moved back to Florida in 2000, in fact, she is across the hall from that first apartment. The memories came flooding back as I was so much more fit there, running and getting to the gym almost daily and playing tennis and racketball and other activities regularly. I feel so foolish letting laziness and apathy dominate my daily decisions about exercising more. Yes, there is softball, but I used to find such bliss in so much more vigorous exercise. Perhaps writing this will reinforce the feeling I had yesterday and get me going again. Always hope, yes, but I need more, I need to do it.

Thank you for the inspiration to write this. Some things apparently wanted to be shared and they were spurred on by your insights and ponderings combined with responding to your words. I started this when I woke after noon and then Curly came by and I went shopping with him and had lunch, then returned to writing this. It is now time to change clothes and head out for softball. I hope this added something good to your day :)

honest love,

Friday, April 8, 2016

You Say It's Your What?

So much bravado and calm casual acceptance of the independence I achived so early on in this life and still enjoy immensely today does not completely eliminate the hunger for attention and the desire to mean something to someone and other people in this life and so the excitement and relief and pleasure of finding the simply Happy Birthday wish in my former daily blog was enough to have me gushing (and catching up). This reflect more accurately than daily babbles the current state of affairs within me and my psyche (stumbling down the avenue) if you know what I mean. Naturally a bit of me is revealed in the catching up with an old friend. See for yourself:

Thank you thank you thank you so much there are not enough thank yous in the world to thank you enough :)

'Tis a time of much glee and challenges for me as the freedom from the working world brings both the pleasures of relaxation and the stress of no income. I am currently recovering from a sugar hangover and hoping to survive as I laugh at myself above an underlying reprimand reminding me to take better care of this body (recovery time is much longer than it used to be :)

Jackson finally fell in love well enough to move in with her new partner and so nI am alone (really bad timing for me financially and emotionally, but she is so happy in love and I really think it's working this time and that is wonderful so I am happy everywhere outside of the little selfish kid who only thinks about himself (the rest of me tolerates him because he does keep the rest of me happy by letting me know what I really want if you know what I mean... most people lose touch with that self-awareness to be kind to others and many are not happy because that is losing touch with themselves and they forget who they are so all is still well inside :)

As you may have noticed I finally almost completely officially closed this blog after almost eight years of almost daily mini-babbles and while nothing in the babbling written gardens is actually over (cuz there's always hope as you well know) until I am over in this life, I have been putting mostly daily energy into a two-part set of daily blogs huh? for the past month or more. It almost happened back in 2012 or 13 when I also had too much time on my hands and the four blogs that began then as a kind of four headed blog monster are still slowly finding their voices, but it appears to actually be happening now.

I can see this comment becoming an entry with the links to the blogs mentioned filled in so thank you for this and that and the other thing too :)

Life is busy every evening and twice on weekends, but the void during the weekday day time hours still needs to be filled with an income producing activity (and not just helping Curly get his work done, though helping Curly is helping me and good for both of us... he gave me a free place to stay saving rent expenses and I do manual labor with him as he manages thirty properties right down to fixing everything and lawn care... the body is wondering what is happening and I laugh as exercise is still a good thing as long as I can do it). Monday, Wednesday, Friday evenings and Saturday and Sunday are softball times. Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday evenings are cards and games times. The life is full of people and fun.

Now if I can just find income and the one (or a new cool roommate best friend), it will be near perfect again. :)

Catch up on life? Email (candoor @ gmail . com) or here or wherever is fine. If I had the money I'd travel and get my stuff still lost in New York and visit and catch up in person, but alas, not happening. Tell me the upsa dn downs and turn arounds going on in your world please :)

Time for me to wake up, shower, and head out to play Bridge. Am I old yet? lam lol ... take care and please keep in touch :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

friend request screening

yes, so i found someone's comments interesting so i sent a friend request and what i received was this message:

HI your friend request. Before I accept requests I always like to ask the following questions to ensure that we will be compatible FB friends.....
Complete the following...
1. Gays should
2. God is
3> My motto is

and i responded:

lol, clever, i think :) i have a question, how do you skip a line in a message? :)

ah, press enter... that just sends the message in the message box, or is that the chat box... i am not on FB enough to know :)

ok, answers...

1. Gays should be free to enjoy their lives just like everybody else who means no harm to anyone else (people who mean harm to others should not be free to harm others, but that's another question answered in case you ever ask :) )

2. God with the capital is a concept people say they believe created everything... god with or without the capital is unknown and so far unnecessary to me and seems to be used by a lot of people as a reason to try to control, hurt, and kill each other... i wish they would stop that...

3. My motto is #1 honesty without harm... well, that's one of them... #2 i believe in love is another... expounding on #1 a bit, honesty is my highest ideal and intending no harm is the underlying goal of every breath i take, every thing i do (or every move i make, if we like Sting's lyric and don't read too much creepiness into it)... I am not perfect, but i strive to achieve my goal and live up to my ideal... #3 "the more right i think i am, the more wrong i can be" is another motto i remind myself to remember as often as i can...

scratching the surface, i like that... thanks for getting to know me a little... i think i found a friend, but then, see motto #3 above (hoping with laughter) and finally, for now, motto #4 there's always hope (i hope) :)

make today beautiful, or more beautiful than it already is :)

i tend to smiley-face a lot... hope that's ok :)

and the respond i got back was:

Great answers! Last question.... Sheer curiosity dictates I must ask if you are male or female? You could be both for all I care but as I said.... Curiosity.....

and then i replied:

I live in a male body... I don't believe in gender stereotypes for personality (like male or female traits and such) though i do understand gender tendencies are pretty much ingrained in human psyche, which i find sad... i don't pretend that labels and definitions do not matter, they are necessary for communication of ideas and i love communication... but it is fair to say that i am not into labels, that i don't put much value on most labels, and i am into the individual person behind the label :)

and we became friends on facebook... this sort of interaction is much more fun and exciting than the simple click and approve friend request thing most people do... i appreciate someone looking for a person rather than another notch on their friends list... now if only this person lived closer, we could share some more fun beyond words and whatever else can be sent from far away... alas, she lives on the other side of this world, australia, brisbane to be a bit more precise... looking at the climate, it's much like san francisco which is quite appealing... perhaps she'll adopt me lol... yeah, not looking at such a long journey anytime soon, but it would be sweet if the funds become available... feel free to send those winning lottery numbers or generous donations to my retirement fund anytime now :)

narf :)

Saturday, September 5, 2015


and this one was to a guy some called brilliant who i met through words some decades ago, an original hippie back in the days when hippies were hated and still smiled a lot... he created a wonderful post card collection called pot shot cards (don't let the antique web page fool you) that said so much in seventeen words or less... well, he gave a talk to a monday morning group, a neighborhood group that meets mondays consisting of other folk from that idealistic generation and that you might be able to read here, but if not, he spoke about redemption, specifically how some people in our culture can turn their reputations around from villian to respected, or something like that... in any case, this was my response which might say as much about me as it does about anything...

Well done Ashleigh :)

As I read the email portion of this email, before I dove into the text of your speaking engagement, the thought I pondered was perhaps the prelude to your subject. How our culture so based on a philosophy of forgiveness and redemption in religious and social contexts is somewhat bipolar as it seems to become just as enthused, if not more, in the tearing down of heroes and icons. Perhaps it is simply that fans of the latter is a more vocal minority or that they buy more news of the fallen, but lynch mobs are nothing new.

I thought to myself that my reaction to your subject was ever so depressing, to recall the downbeat cheers of our culture as you focus on the upbeat redeeming qualities of forgiveness and redemption. And then I found that you did note this thought in your inclusion of your 'pot shot':

"Why are we all so interested in news stories which are very embarrassing to the people concerned?"

Perhaps it is a misery loves company affect. The rubbernecking at auto accidents. The flocking to watch or share tragic stories. Perhaps the answers is that tearing down others provides a redemption for ourselves in the luck of the premise there but for fortune goes I. Yet, even after sixty years of rather disappointing experiences in love and trust, I still like to believe that we do not want to see the tragedy for the dark side of the pain or cruelty. I want to believe we slow down at the auto accidents and rush to watch or share the terrors of our times because we, deep in our hearts, want to believe we can find the happy ending. We can overcome the traumas and redeem our broken faith and will ourselves and others to be happy, no matter what.

Suddenly the final scene of The Wizard of Oz can be heard in my mind as I feel at home with this positive view of the sorrows and sadness and tragedies of life. Home is where the heart is and never more so than when we remember that even when the plane crashes, even when the explosions and violence of fiction or reality attracts and holds our attention, in the end, in our hearts, we do want the happy ending.

And may we all find ours.

Thank you for inspiring some thought tonight. I hope you and Dorothy enjoy your evening. :)

honest love,

Saturday, August 1, 2015

living with me

to live with me, as you might have gathered from the previous entry (and goodness, this is almost getting to be a blog of revealing the deep underbelly of the author as much as this or that or the other thing, yeah yeah yeah yeah, but that's a horse from a different feather so so let's tickle elmo later and focus on this introduction to what was a letter to a roommate who was, like so many other roommates, adopted as family and taken care of as if she was my child which has really made life a wonderfully oowey goowey emo experience and i wouldn't change much if i could (hey, a perfectionist would try to make fewer mistakes, ya know?)... so anyway, without further ado, this was written as i was preparing myself for another little chickidy to leave the nest (and head off the woe-is-me pity party that can come from the life of giving... it worked, in case it isn't clear in the babbling)... anybody who cares is welcome... anybody who understands is encouraged... anybvody who wants to share this sort of life is wanted... and who are you? :)

If I lose you with all these words, please at least find the few questions.

Time is not my friend. I am running out of it. I don't have enough of it. And when I do have time to think, it depresses me. But I make time for what is important to me.

Today I have time. I slept and feel relaxed with nothing to do for the first time in a long time. The trouble is, I realize things that are under the surface every day. Things that disturb me. Things that hurt me. I know you care. I know you ignore me well. Because I care, I continue to try to earn your respect and share reality with you. I hope you read this. I hope we talk about it.

We've returned to not discussing money again. You've returned to not giving me half the rent again the last few months. Even though months ago you said you paid off all your bills.

You've never actually given me half the living expenses in the many years we lived together. For some months you give me about half the rent. For a little while you gave me a little extra. The last few months, less. All along, I pay electric. I pay internet. I pay cable tv. I pay insurance, though you waste money duplicating that instead of giving me a little toward the one policy we should have.

And now I see a good possibility of you moving out soon. Sure, not until next year, but it's bound to come and I have a voice in my head reminding me this is how it's always been for me. I give, I support, I hear promises and well-intended assurances that I'll never be forgotten and somehow it will be fair and there will be some pay-back, but then I am mostly forgotten and there is never any memory of the giving.That's life before.

Looking at my life is not always fun, but nobody cares to so I seldom do it anymore. Accepting that nobody really wants to know me is sad, so I don't think about that much anymore. Usually I don't allow myself the time. But enough about me for the moment (this will be a reflective writing for both of us), I want to find peace with you.

I don't expect you to pay back the tens of thousands of dollars I spent to give you a place to live and more over the years. What disturbs me is we have returned to ignoring the fact that you don't even give half the rent anymore and you never really respected me by sitting down each month and telling me why.

A roommate would feel obligated. A friend would feel it's only right to tell a friend why you need their money or can't pay them. A parent just gives without discussion. I accepted the role of parent. Parents only ask about money now and then when the concern comes to the surface that their child might not be able to pay all their bills on their on if they were gone. When a parent has time to pause and reflect and think about life and time.

Parents seldom focus the cold hard light of reality on themselves.

You've accepted the role of child. The child does not want to face the aging parent, the fact that the parent might not make it if they stop working. The parent provides and always will. The parent gives all and rarely asks for anything.

Because I chose to accept the role of parent in every living situation I've ever been in, I will likely have to work until the day I die or at least the day I can no longer work. No retirement. This is my simple reality.

The odds are I will be alone living on canned spaghetti on the street because I will not spent social security money to live in a ratty old room in a poor part of town. Hopefully I will buy a small trailer before the money runs out. I don't know anybody who cares about me enough to talk to about this reality.

That last line is the part of this thinking that brings tears to my eyes.

Only once in this life did I actually share a space where I could actually save money and have a nest egg for retirement and I blew that in the 90s to care for a family of five. I inherited over $30,000 while living with you but that was spent on rent and food and life when I was not working and you could not give anything to rent.

So all this (and I am cutting myself off because I probably already lost you to your guilt and anger and I don't want to waste my time thinking about myself because my intent is not to push you away, though it might be too late for that) to ask...

What is disturbing me today?...

I am concerned that even after paying off your bills, you are not prepared to live on your own or even pay for half of living expenses. Maybe you are and are saving the money you make. Maybe you are spending it on other things. Maybe you will live with Tina and she will pay the bills, for a while. I don't want her to take the parent role - that is not a true partnership and is not a relationship that lasts.

Roughly, it costs about $2200 a month to live here including food and apartment stuff. Take away food and it costs about $1500. That doesn't include phone. Living without cable, internet, and insurance (if someone else pays for it) and it's about $1100-$1200 a month. I recall a couple of times you did give $600, but that was rare. This year, you averaged about $400 (if that much... I try not to keep track because it leads me to think as I am doing right now and that disturbs me and triggers you to run or fight... hopefully you are not gone already).

So maybe you found a girlfriend you can move in with who has a mortgage and bills that only will ask for $400 a month from you and then you can rent space and hope the financial imbalance does not affect the emotional partnership you want to maintain. The fact is that money is a part of a real life-partnership and it is the primary reason most partnerships do not last.

I do not want that to happen to you.

I also don't want you to be in the position I am in when you reach my age.

I hear you, in my head, saying "Don't worry about me." I even hear "You're not my father." and harsher push-away words. I've heard them many times. Those words hurt because they deny the reality that I've cared and acted like a father for years.Push-away words make all I've given meaningless.

Maybe you are not there in that defensive angry place that you usually go to when I bring up money and the reality of life. I can only hope.

I have watched you grow a lot in the decade I've known you. I have watched you grow on many levels, including your journey toward financial independence. Maybe you are managing your money well enough to live on your own and I just don't know it. That is my hope for you.

Unconditional love is a precarious cliff. I have fallen or been pushed off it many times. It is the only way I know how to love.

In my experience, it is misunderstood and sometimes abused by those who receive it, especially when it is coming from someone who is not biological family. Even in families, there is usury and denial and a lot of taking advantage but it is seldom acknowledged. But that is a whole other sociological discussion....

I hope you understand.

I am not asking you for money. I am not asking you to balance the books. I am not asking you to take care of me or even to get real and discuss my life-reality. I accept the roles we have shared - though it would be nice and respectful if you didn't get mad and deny (and hope you can find a smile in the first attempt to tease you in this rather serious message because it shows I believe in you enough to believe you are still there and have not run away).

I am expressing my concern that you do not appear to have the means to pay your half of a shared space living arrangement.

You seem to be starting out with Tina better than you have in any previous relationship since I've known you. Part of that is the shared interests, but that's the surface of the foundation. A very important aspect of the foundation, yet your mistake in the past has been to not give time or thought (or conversation) to the other layers of a relationship (money just being one you avoid). I hope that you learned that it is not enough to coast on the similarities easy stuff.

I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in attaining your goals in this life. While you have not shared too deeply with me, I believe one of your primary goals to be part of a real romantic life partnership. I believe part of that comes from your need to be loved, your hunger for validation of your worth from someone else. That is a potential weakness that has lead to emotional dependency that has been part of ending past relationships.

Stay out of it? Stay out of your relationship? Stay out of your head? Your heart?

I am not your therapist. I am not your father or mother. I am not even your brother or family. I have no right to care or attempt to get as close to you as I do.

I know that.

I don't know how to care less. I can deny and avoid for only so long, but I am what I am.

That is why I remain alone.

When I see someone hurting, I can't just turn away. When I see someone falling, I throw myself under them. I often get slapped, punched, or even accused of ulterior motives, but usually they get less hurt than I do and that is my intent.

When I see someone repeating the same patterns, making the same choices that undermine them, I do whatever I can to point it out even if it drives them away.

This is why I remain alone.

I am happier alone knowing that I did everything I could to make life better than I have been in relationships where I held back and compromised just to keep someone around.

Too many words?

Everybody I've ever known would likely say yes. Most would not even answer. Most would not even be reading.

This is how I process and resolve my own inner conflicts. Like when the selfishness asks why I give so much. I need a good answer because the giving has hurt and does prevent a comfortable retirement. So the extra words here, maybe 90% could just be me processing my own questions to myself. The kernal question, however, is for you and we will get to it. Perhaps all the words are a test of how much you care about me. Is anyone willing to spend a half hour reading my babble to get to the point? Not so far, alas, but there's always hope.

I have tens of thousands of pages of words on the web, a small fraction of the writing I've done in this lifetime. No one has read more than a few hundred pages as far as I know.

The heart in you may want to care this much. The heart in you may understand wanting to actualize unconditional love in this life. You may be crazy enough to do it one day (it's a good crazy).

Or maybe it is just your insecurity and need for validation that leads you to put yourself in such vulnerable positions. Maybe it is wanting someone to love you as much as it is an altruistic desire to love someone else and even (the good crazy part) save the world with your love.

I choose to believe in you. I think you get mad when I get too close because it scares you. Maybe because you feel inadequate or undeserving of pure unconditional love. I don't think you get mad because you don't care. I think you get mad because you want to care, but you are afraid to or simply convince yourself that don't have the time to. Or that your caring doesn't matter.

I choose to believe you do not just take advantage of me because I let you. I choose to believe there is something else that keeps you from replacing me in your life. I choose to believe BFF is more than just the popular phrase of the day.

Just because you do not make the time to really define and actualize what the word friend means to you, I believe it is not superficial or transient. If you want to know why I believe that, it is what I observe, your reactions to potentially losing a friend. There is more than selfishness or ego or insecurity within your reactions. There is an idealistic altruistic unconditional belief in love.

The more right I believe I am, the more wrong I can be. That is one of the foundation truths in life for me. I can only believe in what I choose to believe in based on what I feel and think and see. That is my illusion, delusion, or reality.

Who are you?

Oh sure, there is the best push-away question I could ever ask, aye?

If I ever really reached you, you are laughing right now.

Even if you are mad or scared because you don't want to be asked because you don't want to share the reality of not knowing the answer. Not knowing does not have to be as scary as is seems.

I am writing this for myself first. I am writing this because I do not want to throw a pity-party when you are gone. I do not want to focus on feeling abandoned or used or how imbalanced relationships have been in my experience. I do not want to whine and drone on about how unfair that seems.

I am writing this to remind me that I make my own choices. I am responsible for the life I live and the experiences I have known. Writing this helps me realize I cheer myself, I am proud of myself, I would not want to be any other way.

Then I can realize why I want to share this with you. Why I hope you read this and get past the limits you place on your mind to actually process this.

It's too much? Your mind does not think this much? Your process is to float the surface and let feelings settle and move on hoping for the best?

How's that worked out for you so far? (smiling even a little?)...

I believe you are so much deeper than you ever let on, you've even got yourself fooled sometimes.

Shhhh, I won't tell.

That part of you so afraid that you prefer being fooled hates me.

I won't tell that either.

I don't know everything, I am not a know-it-all (I just play one sometimes, but I seldom mean to, really). I just firmly believe what I believe and challenge the truth to be revealed. I challenge you to tell me - to show me what is right or wrong.

Of course you do not have to. You do not have to trust me or anyone that much. You do not have to figure yourself out or share yourself with anyone that much.

You don't have to define what a BFF is (please don't hate me if I smile).

I will continue believing in your heart even if I never know.

For me, not knowing is not as scary as it is to accept a belief that people are less than they can be. I will not accept that.

Accepting not knowing is the first step toward knowing.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. I am thinking about not sending this because it fulfilled the need for me to get real and not allow selfishness to bring me down. I will not send it until tomorrow, even though you may have more time today and it will be easier to forget next weekend when you have a moment to think.

The bottom line is I want you to be free of your fears and the fear of financial dependency is one of your big ones and I do not help you face and overcome that fear by accepting the role of parent as much as I do.

I believe that is why so many people fail financially, because parents do not force the discussion and prepare their children for the reality of paying all their bills independently before they part their ways and then, the fear of the discussion leads to a debt spiral.

So I believe I know why you have not paid half of living expenses in the past. Even if nothing about me in all these words means anything (I benefited from the self-reflection) and we do not define and acknowledge what BFF means (though I think it would benefit you too if we did), I pause this conversation (one sided as it has been so far) hoping it becomes a little more two sided with this question.

Why do we not share equal halves of the living expenses?

And this request (you know I'm not too proud to beg)

Please don't run away.

honest love,


Sunday, July 5, 2015


sometimes my opinions are not politically correct... for instance, i have an inate aversion to fat and it is so far beyond the superficial appearance of fat, it is sometimes too deep or instinctive to explain... i see fat i see the images from biology class of the fat cells, i see images of butcher shops, i see what twenty or thirty or fifty or a hundred pounds of fat looks like... and i see the formulae from chemistry class... and more than anything else i see the medical reports on the consequences of fat... and none of that is good for anyone... so naturally i wrote the following comment after reading the comments defending fat on this article (Hopkins is an anti-fat advocate, known as a fat-shamer {which is apparently a movement in the UK}, that prompted the article) that prompted this comment...

Hopkins makes truth look bad, but truth is it is better to be healthier than chubbier. We accept obesity in our world. Obesity is not healthy. It is self-abuse to one's own heart, liver, kidneys... truth. Obesity kills. Diabetes, heart disease, all sorts of serious health issues are direct results of eating too much. Health care costs go up. People are starving and other people are eating three, four, or five times the calories they need. Wasting resources to produce more processed foods. Truth is obesity has major detrimental effects on the individual and the world.

I love food. I struggle between intelligent healthy choices and indulging my taste buds and emotional hunger. I understand how challenging it is to not eat more than I need. I have been obese and would be healthier if I dropped 20-30 pounds. I do stop myself at a weight point about 30 pounds over my healthy weight, I do not pretend my choices are ok. Indulging my emotional hunger and love of food is self-abusive. I do not shame fat people, but I do not deny the facts. Fat is unhealthy, causes diseases, wastes resources, increases health care costs, and ultimately, kills.

Humans have the right to commit suicide in many ways. Fat-shamers have the right to point that out. Just as alcoholics have the right to drink and anyone has the right to say they drink too much. Is it PC? No. Is it polite? No. Is it true? Yes.

so am i superficial or is most of the world delusional (or at least in denial)?...