Saturday, August 12, 2017

Art Thou Letters?

It appears that clarity of purpose is not being sought in any earnest way for this blog as I believe letters to friends and letters to strangers and letters of introduction which once were are now, for the moment at least, all being dumped into this repository with some modicum of abandon, if not reckless. So, with little or not thought of where this belongs beyond ths paragraph that does not seem so seek a conclusion even as it comes to it's end, we present to you, for your edification and reading pleasure, this latest letter with little more explanation than this fanfare and a few minor modifications.

There are definite differences between the feel of the flow of the words at different times of the day and not just cuz it's morning or evening, but cuz it's wake up and sleepy and also the location and posture of different chairs, lighting, environment distractions, and more. But just the morning atmosphere/environment is different from the evening, like day and night sometimes - oh yeah, and then there is light and dark too lol :)

I may not have much dark for a while... I slept with the full room light on last night because I am hoping the full room light keeps the spiders away. This body reacts very poorly to spider bites and I do not want those annoyances and potential infections again.

No dark is probably not a good thing for me.

We shall see.

Back to your words now, a couple of letters behind sort of... just because I am aware of being a fool does not mean I will stop being one... I really love that :)

Yes, yes, yes - there is a difference between escaping and numbing. Escape is not necessarily reducing the experience, in fact, it can enhance the experience, while numbing is reducing the experience by reducing the sensory input and/or reducing the synaptic activity.

Such clarity, for me at least, is exciting.

I escape often, all the time in fact. I numb very rarely, if ever, though I wonder if that is accurate, conscious, or from a bigger picture that I do not see, a revelation awaiting discovery. Or a forgotten revelation awaiting re-discovery, even.

The challenge for me in this life is to continue riding my seemingly endless and irrepressible flow of positive hopeful energy while still experiencing the full load of depressive negative energy the human race exudes (emanates) almost all the time as a species and for the most part, as individuals. It is the reaction to fear. The choice to empower fear. That is what I mean.

I leave that thought incomplete, slightly disconnected, and without as much clarity as it could have at the moment deliberately to haunt and provoke because it should.

And the gloves are still on.

Hear that, humanity, the gloves are still on.

. . . . . Now, the last few paragraphs (especially from "because it should" but the challenge itself too) was inspired by thoughts you shared but is not a challenge to you - that distinction is important and I probably should make it more often.

I see you as a mind who understands me, or at least much of what I write - though I imagine there are times when you take my challenges to humanity are personalized as a challenge to you and I hope this helps you find more clarity in those moments. I think you, in your mind, reach for bigger pictures if only because you can and must - to see beyond your daily physical existence which is limited by your physical shell, your body, even more than most because of your experiences.

I imagine you can grasp more of the concepts that I present than most, more than anyone I know and am in contact with at this moment in this life, and in that sense you can see the challenges I throw out are challenges you might give to humanity as well.

I hope you understand what I mean.

The distinction between what might be viewed as harsh words, depressive words, angry words, or any sort of negative words are challenges to myself and to humanity to wise up, to wake up, to open senses and see beyond the fears and prejudices and limits of modern acceptable thought and find reason and clarity that exists and can free them from the chains of our limited minds.

I believe you venture farther along that path with me than anyone I know does.

I don't believe I reach any sort of end on this path, whether we call it enlightenment or nirvana or euphoria or complete and total awareness, consciousness, or "being." I mostly hope there is no end to this path and the expansion of understanding and learning and experiencing new experiences with bigger pictures and more acute perceptions is a never ending story - an ever expanding experience of being.

From my limited scope of knowledge and awareness and experience, I would imagine the god concept, the end of the growth of knowledge and awareness (omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence) would be a virtually stagnant and quite boring place and way to be.

When and if I ever get there, I dearly hope I am wrong (and I laugh at that thought either out of some giddy nervous fear or because I already know and awareness, even unacknowledged by consciousness in these words, is fun {shhhh, secrets, ya know? lol lam laa} and yay).

So anyway, get it? Any of it? Some of it? There's always hope (I hope) :)

Meanwhile, back to the point of escape and numbness before I bumble or stumble or grumble, even (words are just so much fun and no I don't want to rumble... I'm much too humble for that and the self-mockery concludes, for the moment, in almost endless laughter. . . )

I think escape's bad reputation comes from how some (most) escape (poisons and other destructive actions) in this world (or at least in human cultures) today and through history. Also from avoidance of responsibility many (most) choose, which sometimes comes due to escape (or vice verse and they are potential an example of mutual causality), but then, some escapes are very much fun and virtually harmless like playing with the latest Google toy when what we meant to do was search for something that would continue an activity, like writing a letter, for instance lol lam laa). Yes I had some fun with the toy, here is an article about it in case you ever want to be a DJ in the modern hip hop world of dance clubs and such.

Absolutely no to do we have to always be present and accounted for. I love to get lost. Love it even more when I get lost with someone who enjoys getting lost. Unfortunately, few people do. Those darned fears of the unknown, of being "out of control" of whatever. Sigh, I wish people would get over it already and learn to enjoy life.

I do believe escape is rich and fertile soil, in fact, escape is where creativity and invention live.

I am running out of time as softball is coming up soon and I must shower and dress and drive, so it is time to suddenly pause...

There is a butterfly somewhere out there that is smiling for you.

I asked her to. :)

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

What Is Love

Am I waxing poetic or making excuses? Am I philosophizing or trying to win someone over? Am I trying to find the truth or trying to be right? Tell me the truth, that is love. :)

This next writing is inspired by the 7 drivers of old habits of thinking (those are the words in bold below) that came from the website 7 drivers of old habits of thinking. The websites appears to be suggesting ways to stop negative thinking. This lead me to ponder if I have these habits (the words in italics below) and on a deeper level, whether I am a negative thinker or have a habit of negative thoughts. I'll leave the question of just what are negative thoughts for another long and winding ramble. Feel free to join me (or lead me) on that tangent another time. For now, I share a deeply satisfying smile that was inspired by what follows. A letter to the friend who sent me the 7 drivers of old habits of thinking (the words in bold below, each numbered 1-7, got it?) leading me to think whether I have any of those habits. Thank you for the inspiration. :)

I love you. I appreciate you. I really don't think you ever really got to know me. I think that's mostly because I held back because I was always afraid of scaring you away. Life is so much fun for me. People disappoint and I turn to you to understand my disappointment and sadness and I guess that is mostly what you see. Do you really think I do these things? I ask with a smile, so neither of us should be defensive :)

1. Living on “automatic pilot” (rather than with awareness and conscious choice). - From my perspective, I am too aware of almost everything and conscious of every choice I make. Every moment is a brand new moment and anything can happen. That perspective seems to scare everyone away. I used to dumb-down more than I do now and it's not satisfying beyond superficial momentary distraction from how lonely it is to have no one who really sees me and there is no one to come home to. I've always been the giver because I always had more to give and I love giving. I welcome someone who truly understands how wonderful it feels to live as I do. :)

2. Relating to experience through thought (rather than directly sensing). I feel how scared people are to share, to care, to be themselves. This is why I bloat up and get uncomfortable physically, joining in the reindeer games, so to speak - the human condition is self-destructive. That keeps most people apart and fighting - I finally gave in and joined the human party about fifteen years ago, maybe twenty. It hurts less feeling less.

3. Dwelling on and in the past and future (rather than being fully in the present moment). Do you really think I do this? I live more in the moment than anyone I know - but when there is nothing to do but rest (cuz a body needs rest) I babble (write) because my mind keeps wanting to play so I play with words when the body is tired.

4. Trying to avoid, escape, or get rid of unpleasant experience (rather than approach it with interest). If anything I stay in an unpleasant experience trying to make it better long after people tell me to give up and move on (I face myself and everything in words, hoping someone will come along and find the words - or just want to talk. Until someone does, I write, I work, I play ball (three nights a week and weekends), I go to dinner with friends, I play cards and games, I've been to six meetups in July, I'm exhausted lol.

5. Needing things to be different from how they are (rather than allowing them to be just as they already are). The only thing I really want different is to find someone who relates to me as I am. Everything else is my choice. I wish people would not be so disappointing, but I don't need that to be happy - the world does though (and I wonder if you understand why I laugh at that multi-layered thought) :)

6. Seeing thoughts as true and real (rather than as mental events that may or may not correspond to reality). Everything is relative and an illusion in the mind. We believe what we want to believe and choose to make it real by sharing it with someone else who chooses to believe the same thing, but it's just a mental construct that can change with a blink of an eye. It is so much deeper and multi-faceted than words can begin to express and so I laugh as I dream the impossible dream of putting it into words. Did you know one of my dreams was to write the song that saves the world? :)

7. Treating yourself harshly and unkindly (rather than taking care of yourself with kindness and compassion). Honest love is the kindest, gentlest, truest love there can be because it is the most real unconditional love - without limits or pretenses. It may seem harsh or even cruel to anyone who does not get it, but they is only because they are afraid to see the conscious awareness and acceptance of reality it brings.

I welcome a different perspective. I welcome someone who cares to analyze me and life and everything. I love it when someone presents a thought I did not think of before or even more, I love it when someone cares enough to take the time to prove me wrong. That has not happened in a very long time because no one comes close enough to really touch the reality I see and feel and experience. That's lonely, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying every moment of this life (even subdued as I am).

Listen to Dan Fogelberg's Part of the Plan one day. It is one of my core songs. When I say core songs, I mean words that come close to expressing my perspective or even who I am. The Who's I'm Free is another. Some are collected here: Heart, Mind, Song John Denver's Seasons Of The Heart (and some others by him) contains some core songs. Harry Chapin has many, Everybody's Lonely is one. It has been so long since I found anyone into the music I am into - so long since I found someone who wants to explore music or the things that matter to me most. Don McLean's Vincent can be so related to my experience in this life in some deep ways. On a slightly lighter and less intense note, this site is a collection of videos I put together that I call The Video Me. Someday I hope someone wants to listen and watch and appreciate me for it.

Longing for a soulmate is part of who I am. Melissa Etheridge's Melissa Etheridge pounds home some truths for me. Reality so sharp it cuts away the BS most of us call life. I live for love, it is what I do. I give everything I am, that is what makes me happier than anything else. When I have no partner, I adopt people and give and care and share and you experienced that - unconditional love and trusting a heart's good intentions. That is real, you know better than most that it is what I do. So maybe you look at the surface whining and complaining and sadness I put into words to you and forget the wonder of the child inside me who thrills at the chance to give to someone else and take care of someone else. Until someone comes along who does something similar for me, it is the best I can do to be who I am.

So sometimes I lament
for someone to love me
the way I love and give
And sometimes I am sad
when I face how alone
I am in this life
I survive on my own

And I am happy to be me
There's no way else I'd rather be
how many can say that and
make it reality?

I love the way I am
I live life fearlessly
and someone someone will understand
and fall in love with me

So sometimes people say
I should not live this way
I should protect myself more
I should lock my door
but that's not what I'm here for
I am here to share
it is the best feeling I know
to give and show I care

And I am happy to be me
There's no way else I'd rather be
how many can say that and
make it reality?

I love the way I am
I live life fearlessly
and someday someone will understand
and fall in love with me

It is a simple song. I am a simple man. Someday when love conquers fear, we all will understand,

I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to lose. Giving everything for love is just the way I choose.

That's what makes me happy. That's how I want to be. Someday we all will understand and live in love like me.

La la la la :)

I watch everyone rushing through their lives missing so many opportunities to be kind and generous and experience the gift of giving, sharing, caring - doing it. I hear everyone say it in passing, the acceptable words how are you? and wanting nothing more than I'm fine because, after all, who has time to really listen to someone's story anymore?. The sincerity behind have a nice day is often so shallow, words with no thought behind them other than see ya or more honestly, Hi, Bye, Don't have time for more... it's not that I don't care, I just don't have time to actually do it.

That is the reality most people avoid. Caring is a verb, it is something to do, not just something to say. Doing it makes it real. Yet how many people actually do it anymore? Perhaps one on one or in very small circles, relationships and families, but even there I see so much superficiality and pretense. The words are just so much easier than the actions.

I understand. People are struggling to pay bills, to keep their head above the water. Trusting is scary. Sharing is scary. I think most people have forgotten how to do it in reality. Caring is scary. I know it's how I live, it's who I am. But love feels better than fear. Love is realer. Fear is what might happen. I can't control what might happen. I can control what I do, so I love. Love is what can happen. Love is what does happen when I love.

Someday it will not push someone away and that someone will be the one I've been hoping to find this entire life. Until then, I love every minute of the experience from the empty depths of loneliness to the limitless heights of imagination, from the agony of insensitivity, betrayal, and cruelty to the magical bliss of kindness and generosity and caring sharing. It is no accident that Billy Joel's Honesty is the longest running first and last song on my life's playlist.

It is the song I sing to the world. It is the song I sing to every person. It is the song I sing to the one I hope to find someday, soulmate. Elton John's The One and Believe In Love are close to the center of my core, of who I really am. But Honesty... is all I really need... from anyone.

Honesty is love.

It takes unconditional love and trust to be completely honest. And isn't that phrase, completely honest, the sad truth - that we are not always completely honest. Seems like an oxymoron, I mean, how can honesty be less than honest?

Yet isn't that the way of the world. From the things we do not say in relationships to pandering of Madison Avenue to the politicians and leaders of countries, honesty is so seldom heard. We tell ourselves it's kinder not to say the whole truth. And the lies spiral out and corrupt our lives until we don't know what is real anymore. That's why most relationships do not last. Honestly.

So am I negative, or am I simply facing reality and not avoiding truth? It is a matter of perspective, a choice to believe what we want to believe - a mental construct - an illusion. We may choose to have different opinions of me, but who is to say what is true?

We believe what we want to believe. I choose to believe in you, in your heart. I see your beautiful intentions. I feel your pain, I feel your fear, I feel your confusion, I feel your intention to love. That is you.

So who am I? Do you feel safe? Do you feel the honest love, the unconditional caring? Do you feel something else?

I know, finding the words can be a challenge. It is a commitment to find the words to express thoughts and feelings. It is a commitment to self, to express self. What if it is not right? What if it does not please? What if it upsets someone? It is easier to let someone else speak and nod our heads. That is what most people do. Accepting that reality, I can still reach for more - for what is missed, the personal, the meaning, the commitment, the truth that is who one is. It's just a feeling, but it is everything. Within the philosophical ramblings may be wisdom, but it is easier to be a fool (I am happy being both). :)

I hope you keep sending me the good advice and therapeutic thoughts. :)

I appreciate your inspiration - may all these words mean something to you - they definitely mean a lot to me because they express much of who I am.

Sweet dreams,


So did we learn something about me (or anything) after all that? :)

My experience in this life may seem sad to you, I mean, I know few people who know the experience of no family in this world where people take family for granted and assume everybody has some, but I do not know any other experience so it is only sad to me when others tell me it's sad. It is all I know and I am happy being me enjoying experiencing each moment with my senses (I suppose few people know that experience, unless they are infants lol lam, if only I could meet another independent infant like me, aye? lol lam).

Expressing my experience, sad as it may be to you, helps me accept reality and acceptance leads t clarity and clarity leads to euphoria and who doesn't want some euphoria, right? :)

Someday you all will understand :)

Narf :)

Saturday, July 15, 2017



Oh my, how dramatical of me. Note the odd adverbal emphasis of the adjective objective coalescing into a sentence that would make some people's skin crawl, as if that metaphoric simile is even possible. I may have even mislabeled some of the literary turns of phrases in this mockery of language and self, but that is the fun of writing, always trying something new to get a point across... even if no one really understands it beyond the voices in my head.

I leave that for posterity (and you), to ponder.

I woke feeling shitty and after drinking 20 ounces of water and about the same of gatorade and leaving a really large poo soft in the poo repository (fecal material in soft-serve ice cream texture rising above the water line, if you really must know - as some do or we all poo, after all - and just think how my own body blog has been neglected even more than this body I loosely call mine has, really mucking it up now, aren't we? {speaking for the voices in my head, which get a rare second reference within the same writing session as if they really exist outside of a contextual form... only my inner hair dresser knows for sure, ya know?) and a cleansing shower and a cooling down, I feel much better now.

It is time to make the softball, however, so this writing mood must wait (with the same hope, naturally.

Cuz there is always hope (I hope) :)

Lest we forget.

So don't forget, m'ok? )

honest love,
me :)

Everything's better with hope :)

Sensing a Divergence

This belongs in letters to the night, however live journal shut that down, so it is here for now. If I return I may find or create another blog for this, but time is not available until later (hoping there is a later, of course, for who can predict the future). I will not even read for typos, just as is for now.

It was written to...

Ok, disorganized thoughts reflected in disorganized and intermittent writing likely stemming from a relatively disorganized and disconnected life at the moment.

Anyway, I woke with a muscle cramp in my upper right calf this morning. Anxiety? Stress? Fatigue? Medication Side effects? Dehydration? Electrolyte imbalance? Overheating? Another disease? The soft air mhattress that has me sleeping with my lower body slightly more elevated than my upper body and head? Cronic Kidney Disease? Congestive Heart Failure? Chronic Fatigue Syndrome? Multiple Sclerosis? Muscular Dystrophy? Simply Aging? Lack of exercise? Weight gain? Overeating Taco Bell and Bar food? Something in the supplements I consume? (Chromium, Vitamin B/C Complex, Multivitamin, Cinnamon, Apple Cider Vinegar, ?). Something else? A combination of these and possibly other factors?

I am not hypocondriacted, just an inquiring mind.

Some years ago I felt similar symptoms and attributed them to the side effects of the medication and I stopped the medication for a while, ignored my elevated blood pressure, and the cramping and heat exhaustion symptoms went away (as did the dry cough and fatigue), but was it that simple?

In any case, I prepare to head out to play a double header in the heat again. 1:00 pm and 2:00 pm games on the oven-baked fields with no shade or cooling factors. Some might call me foolish (or a lot worse), but I've done it for years (whole day tournaments and whole week tournaments in this sort of heat as well just over the last two summers and I did notice aging but I did fine and felt great).

Today is a test.

I hope to return here and not end up in the hospital again.

Or worse.

I hope these are not my last words.

At least there is still hope :)

There's always hope (I hope) :)

honest love,
me :)

Friday, June 23, 2017

Deeper Perspectives

This may belong in another blog as it is crossing into autobiographical babbling which is usually put elsewhere, like here or through music and song video or the one or wherever, but here we are again because this comes from a letter to family. Actually, it was her response to the letter in previous entry. She said...

She uses memes and quotes to communicate. That inspired...

My perspective is based on evidence. I've got a ton of evidence. I'd love someone to show me that people can be trusted, but I have a lifetime of evidence to the contrary and nobody shows me otherwise so that leaves me with this logic. It's ok. I understood aloneness as a very young child when I never had anyone I could trust or really depend on, from birth... and I spent six decades giving my all to find what I want. Someone to share unconditional trust. I did not give up, but I am not giving the way I used to because I am no longer at an age where I can accept homelessness as an option.

I remain open to receiving different evidence - it is my fondest wish, to love and be loved, to share unconditional trust, and remaining open to it is my deepest smile... security... confidence... and it keeps me happy open to anything :)

I don't know if any people trust unconditionally after early childhood.

I have my whole life.

I am not even sure anyone understands the concept, the experience, or the ramifications of doing it. If I was not working I might explore some courses on human behavior related to trust and relationships. Maybe someone taking that study seriously could converse about it. :)

It has so long time since someone genuinely wanted to know who I am, I have forgotten me in many ways. I've always been a chameleon because as I see life, we each choose who we want to be, what we want to want, how we go about living, and what we do. Few people stay conscious of that during the rush through daily life and most fall into habits, patterns of behaviors that eventually define their personality and who they are.

I've been in a semi-negative pattern for many years, maybe since I was dumped on the street by someone I unconditionally trusted in Toronto and found the same outcome in Orlando.

Maybe I've been waiting for someone to see me within the negative patterns and want me to come out again, but given no one has, maybe I will just do it myself again.

Self-analysis may be a waste of time if not put into practice :)

Ah, we come to that reality. It is kind of pointless (and even a little impossible, but I dream the impossible dream, remember?) to do it by one's self. That is why people are so compelled to find friends, partners, mates. When I am in my center, I see it so clearly I may appear too intellectual, logical, or even clinical for most people.

It has been a long time since someone simply wanted me around.

Luckily I learned to amuse myself and still do it better than anyone I've ever known :)

Words are one way I amuse myself. Writing. It's not always begging for attention or self-analysis or complaining or whining or philosophizing. I would love your opinion of this (that is what it became... this is where it began)... it was a time {and perspective} when I had much more hope for the world and much more visceral pain in my heart and I sought to keep hope alive by writing as I have always done... it's pretty mushy cuz it's kind of dedicated to love, true love) lol.

I've put hundreds of thousands of words online. Many different sides of my personality that seldom show in the physical world because no one is interested in who I am.

I hope you are focused on your goals. I will be here to help you in any way I can whenever I can. My goal with you is to help you be happy and secure and confident in every way. You can do it! :)

Trust me :)

So, do you wanna know me? :)

Thursday, June 22, 2017

How Did This Get Forgotten?

Well, it wasn't completely forgotten, just as Ri and many others friends and lovers have not been completely forgotten, but somehow a lot of time passed without an entry here.

Who noticed?

I am wide awake in so many ways, but still very much sleeping on some levels even though the ancient babbler recently did that babbling thing we used to love so well.

I have changed a lot over the years and I am finally coming to terms with it. I think the biggest change is I no longer see the cup of people (as in hope for humanity) as half full. I see it as a drain of our own creation as a species and we are rapidly (in epoch years) swirling down it. Mostly by our own hands. Maybe the new Star Trek series will rekindle some hope. Or something.

Anyway, this blog is about letters, arts, whatever it is we might call writing to others. Sometimes the words are an introductory letter to a complete stranger. Sometimes the words are a revealing bit of babble to a closest friend. I don't reach out as much as I used to (see previous paragraph) so there has not bee much to put here. Maybe. I have been babbling to a couple of the closest people in the world to me and look at the volume of letters and words and wonder why I don't put some here or even start a whole new book (blog, now) the way I used to. Perhaps this letter I came to share might explain.

She shared this page and I read it. Then, self-reflection happened and this is what came out:

I'm good on all except social. I can do better on physical, but in serious reality - how many people my age play softball as much as I do and keep a full time job of 50 hours a week and has all his own teeth and has only been the a doctors a few times in ten or more years and only for a check up or simple medicine I'd have bought over the counter if the medical industry was not so greedy? I can do better though, for sure. I'm gonna be under 200 pounds before I house-animal sit for you, I just decided, so there.

You see my venting so much more than the rest of me that even as close as we've been, sharing living space for many years, I don't really think you know me well. I appreciate you caring enough to be an outlet for my venting frustrations. :)

I know most people don't like me when they get close these days. I don't want to play the social games anymore. I don't want to help people as much as I used to. That's the me you've mostly known (maybe you see deeper and that's why you stay close). I am very different than I was twenty or more years ago. I don't have the hope for humanity and desire to help everyone I had back then.

So I don't hide my honesty, it shows in my face. I am alone because I push people away silently by reflecting in my expressions the dishonesty and insecurity they show me.

I don't think about doing it, I just do it.

You are a ray of sunshine in this world. Even though you think you have so many weaknesses and faults, you have a gift few people have. Partly because you are afraid to displease anyone, but also because you genuinely want to make this world a better place and help people who want help and you believe we can still change enough people to make it happen. That makes you a beautiful person even when you don't see it. That's why I chose to adopt you. That may feel like a burden on you sometimes, so I stay mostly out of your life.

Other people I know are so very negative and I limit my interactions with them, but that part of me that still cares keeps them around because they need me. I don't meet any positive people anymore because I am tired of everyone needing a lot more emotional help than I do.

So Social, that's were I am relatively empty. Even though I play cards with more than a dozen people every Saturday now and could be playing cards and games with a half dozen other people twice a week if I didn't live so far from them and I am still asked to play softball by four teams and asked to hang out after games eating at bars even though I am the only one who doesn't drink... and I still have lunch and dinner with a friend or few every weekend and could do it more often if I had the money. I have more social life than most people, but no close social connections that feed me. I am always the nurturer and helper.

Hey, you sent the link, I read the page, this is what you get lol :)

Someday my princess will come. :)

I make my own bed, I know that.

I mostly like my life and I still love me. The missing things in life are my choice and mostly physical (other than people who understand me and the one and that's because I don't want to do he work that pays enough to have those things. Maybe I'll buy a house in the ghetto and cut my expenses dramatically. Or more likely somewhere far from people where houses are about as cheap. :)

Thanks for keeping in touch. More than anything else (for you) I want you to be happy and successful in your relationships and your life. I will do anything I can to help whenever I can.

You remind me of who I used to be, especially your heart. :)

Call, text, write, visit, whatever you want whenever it feels right. Be silent and let time pass whenever that feels right. Whatever makes you happy - that's what I want most for and from you.

Thanks for the thinking material you've sent recently. I hope you've benefited from it too. I am playing that game you sent. I made it to frog last night and I downloaded the good words too. :)

And as you see, I read the page you sent. Good stuff inspires self-reflection and lots of babble. You know that by now lol. Thanks for continuing to take the risk lol :)

Take care of you. :)

Maybe not (explain, that is) lol.

Anyway, there you have a recent expose to one of the people who I care about most in this world. An adopted sister, an adopted child, adopted family. Just in case you wanted to know more about who I am inside (why else would you come to this blog, aye?).

There are more sides to an open mind and can be cut into the biggest diamond.

And the mind and all it contains is free.

Maybe you understand.

Thanks for reading.

Narf :)

Friday, May 6, 2016

This Blog World

This follows the previous entry here and comes from an email to the friend mentioned previously. It, through a series of edits and additions, seems to be becoming one of the more chronologically structured maps of the written gardens I've written in many years and while cursory in many spots, it could serve as one of the most detailed introductions to the online gardens I can offer at the moment, especially pertaining to the growth and expansion of the daily blogs.

As usual there will be the sudden asides, self-mockery, utter nonsense, and desperately seeking attention moments (which may well be a screening or pruning process as my friend posed for further pondering), but the bottom line path to the core of the child inside of me (who is me) might eventually show through the babble somewhere along the trail. I hope you enjoy your journey through this entry and if you find time and interest enough to click on links and explore further (it could take hundred of hours to read it all, maybe thousands, but who's counting, aye?), I hope you enjoy that even more (and will let me know). Make yourself comfortable, have refreshments on hand, and enjoy your journey. :)

I smile as ponder whether emailing increases my sense of loneliness or whether my increased sense of loneliness leads me back to email. Perhaps that is a reverse Catch-22, or 42, even, but either way, I enjoy emailing when I have time and feel motivated as much as I once enjoyed pen palling through snail mail. Communicating one on one with a human who responds is very different than communicating with the universe and anyone who may read my blogs.

Blogs may well be be a safety valve as well as a safe way to feel the illusion of sharing as, while no one else is required, there is also no risk of directly being ignored or rejected because the words are just put out there. That makes blogging very different than words sent directly to one person in an email communication that anticipate a direct response. Maybe blogs are a way of chickening out on direct one-on-one sharing a bit, but I do love writing so much and nobody's ever been able to keep up with the word flow, so blogs continue daily even when nobody's around to share words.

As eluded to above, back in the eighties and nineties I had hundreds of pen pals and published two magazines for people who wanted to communicate through words and I was still seeking more correspondence. Yes, so we've determined that blogs let me attempt to satisfy that addiction to writing when there are fewer or even no people around. That makes the whole process, all in all, a good thing. In case it matters. :)

As you may have noticed if you've been around for years or simply clicked on enough links, especially in the daily blogs, there are pivotal moments in life that trigger a new daily blog. I do maintain one primary daily blog and have since before the internet was invented. The progression online started with the, well (and that's where I started to inadvertently {and now a little more vertently} create the map this entry is posted to present... took a while, but then, always does around here... one of the charms, perhaps, for the word lovers among us... one of the valences, screens, mazes, prunings, ah, the secret is out, aye? lol... shhh, we'll get on with this entry now), lets see about putting it together here (for me as much as you and posterity... queue flashback music and visual effects in your mind as we travel back in time to the beginning of the online written gardens).

The online journals start with "Keep In Touch" or "KIT" (not the first web writing, that may come later as it is a different path back a little ways from this one). The babbler was fully in charge at the time so following along can be quite confusing but the journals split up into branches that compartmentalized "Lifetimes", "Worklife", "Hearbeats", and ultimately a daily journal. I believe the daily journal first entry online was this one (still not the first web page).

Key alternative introduction paths from those first ten years online include "The Bios", "Musical Journeys", and other blogs linked in the "Getting to Know Me" section of the most up to date index found here called "Blogs and other Strangers".

. . . . I see we are segueing into a sort of aside... the non-daily blog branches off the tree of madness (the self-mocking name I give the paths of the gardens from time to time)... the second attempt to actually introduce myself was this web page when all the rage was rambling on as if scrolling was the only way to read and write on the web (the first attempt may be lost... again, the babbler was fully loaded and my name online at the time was "Anonanonanon". That was actually my third online name. "Sharetruth" was first, "Childinside" was second... and before we digress any further, let's get back to the first digression, the introduction to the introductions and the attempted organization of the gardens, and then we will get back to the initial purpose for this writing, mapping the daily journal path).

The first entryway into my written gardens also the second attempt to introduce myself linked in the previous paragraph and it was eventually called the Front Door" after the other entry ways below were created. It and many of the pages of that time were deleted by ATT, though some still survive on the web thanks to the Internet Web Archive. That was my first continuous hello to the world online. The first page I ever wrote is linked somewhere in that mass of babbling. I think it's called the "Babbling Intro" and it should be linked somewhere on the long and winding Front Door page.

On another path of attempted organization, eventually, I created a "Main Gate" that had dreams of being the a mesmerizing portal that drew you back again and again as first page you'd see, but I never learned enough web code to make it anywhere close to mesmerizing. For a direct path into more personal pages I created a "Window" where friends were meant to climb in like friends do on many TV shows and in many movies. A bit later on, I created a "Back Door" where anyone wanting to know me could find out more about me in a closer, more personal babbling and rhyming way. That Back Door was updated when I moved to a paid for web host and as much of the gardens as I could salvage followed me there. Apologies as some links do not work there, but many thousands of pages can be found from the oldest to the newest if you care to follow the links.

Each of those entrances then branched off into collections of writings for different reasons and purposes. Most of these early branches were linked on the "Crossroads" page which was the primary main index until the current primary index (Blogs and other Strangers) was created out of the rubble of the ATT closure of free web pages.

There are 21 primary branches listed on the Crossroads and those branch off into an additional 45 sub-branches, each with dozens and in some cases hundreds of pages, though anything started after 2008 is only listed on the current primary index (Blogs and other Strangers) and none of those original primary or secondary branches include the journal branches which I was starting to try to follow and guide us through me, you, and posterity so maybe it's a good time to get back to that. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Writter Gardens, aye? :)

. . . . aside pausing to return to the daily journals. :)

The original daily journal was on my own home site provided by ATT. Eventually, I sought more interaction and audience and it bled into a few journals on more public sites. I moved to Live Journal, then Diaryland, then Blogspot. Several other sites, including Myspace, the Onion, and others offered blogs for a while and I expanded into those communities hoping for some attention, interaction, and ultimately the friend and "the one" with whom I dreamed of sharing everything and that was the original and still may be the bottom line reason I put my words online. Closest to the core.

So there was the first journal on my free home server and then the first step out of privacy was Candor at LiveJournal. This was accompanied by a darker journal called Mostly Dead (cuz that is often how I felt at the time) where I moaned and cried and let depression out because, at the time, life was quite depressing (and much more redundant than this current moment, which I may repeat again later). This was the lingering and somewhat permanent pain of the aftermath of the Toronto experience. This darker path of Mostly Dead continued after the move to Diaryland, though there it was mostly rhymes and rhymes are such sweet darkness, if you know what I mean.

Somehow reaching for some sort of optimism, hope, and happy happy joy joy I gave the dreamer (hopelessly hopeful romantic) who, while near death, a renewed reason to realize the dream (and I) was still very much alive and that love of life and longing for love came out in the next incarnation of a daily blog (which was mostly rhyming cuz the dreamer thinks in rhymes). This path continues, though not frequently, after the move to blogspot, here.

The rhyming was a wonderfully healing release but it was somewhat detached from a daily life journal, diary, or blog, so in an attempt to actually write prose daily diary entries and not just rhyme, I started "Behind the Candoor" which lasted a couple of years. The daily blogs were still dominated by the babbler which may have limited the audience (or so I told myself at the time when I'd get lonely and want someone to read me). Those blogs in those days did have some readers who left the occasional note and when I paid for them, comments too.

I am not sure, at least for the moment, if "Candoor" ever actually had a blog to get behind lol, but there is probably some clever connection to something somewhere in the name that I may recall in another session of trying to create a map of the written gardens. I know I was trying to share more of myself as I was healing inside. :)

Before I left Diaryland, a dozen other blogs started there for various reasons during that period and they still exist, though are seldom added to. The one I mention most often is "The Funda" because it was my first real attempt at brief blogging and it had a theme of sorts and participated in a blogathon or two. I was kinda proud of The Funda and feel it is both silly and profound at times.

The other Diaryland blogs, or diaries, are listed on the often mentioned current index called Blogs and other Strangers (and the layout of the lists of blogs and pages on this current index have their own madness I may explain another time, but not right now... thank me later lol):

The move to Blogspot, which was about 12 years ago at the time of this writing (yes, all that came before this line were at least 12 years old connections), was primarily to leave comments on Blogspot for dfriends who moved there from Diaryland and others I started reading there, but eventually I moved on from Diaryland because Diaryland charged $ and did not offer nearly the features Blogspot offered for free. So "Behind the Candoor" gave way to a new daily blog called "We have only just begun... in RealTime(TM)" commonly called "RealTime(TM)" for short when I refer to it. It lasted two more years. I believe it also came about because I changed positions at work and shifts/hours from night shift to day shift and was attempting a tad more seriousness and organization and brevity in order to attract more audience and find that friends and the one and so on. The brevity did not work.

Perhaps because I missed the irreverence of The Funda, I created "Bullsugar" at Blogspot and had fun pretending to be profound while being quite silly for a while. Again, this was a supplimental blog. Over the course of the next ten years more than a hundred other supplemental blogs were started at Blogspot and almost all are still added to sooner or later. Some babble, some rhyme, some are quite brief. Each one having it's own unique theme and style, mostly. :)

Back to the daily blogs, after a couple of years "RealTime(TM)" gave way to the longest running continuous daily blog, "(e)thereal" which was again a reaction to major changes in life, in this case moving and changing living space people (living alone the first year then having Jackson move in the rest of the eight years that particular blog flowed. As I mentioned (or started to) somewhere, daily blogs usually move from one to another when I moved, changed jobs, changed roommates, or when I really want to try a different style of writing and this time all of the above were factors as wanted to make a real effort to blog in brief entries. The babbler was given many other (as I said, what is now more than a hundred) blogs at Blogspot to satisfy the addiction to babbling and "(e)thereal" almost succeeded in brief entry blogging for the longest of any blogs, 8 years and almost 7,000 entries. I still visit when I come to the blog world for some ritualistic purpose or something. Never give up, never surrender, the dream goes on. It is probably the biggest test for anyone who wants to be truly close to me because it is so many entries and spans such a long time frame. "The one" has her work cut out for her lol. :)

The second titled section in the current index "Blogs and other Strangers" called "possible future dailies and undefined blogs just scratching the surface (sprouts)" lists the additional supplimentsstarted and used during the "(e)thereal" blog period as the (e)thereal blog was slowly winding down to it's relative end (nothing ever really ends in the written gardens, at least not while I can still tap a few keys and upload something). Each blog has a purpose that we'll save for another time cuz I do know how to show a little mercy lol :)

As is the almost inevitibly eventual eventuality for any daily life blog, (e)thereal finally gave way to the latest current daily blog just two months ago (at this writing), on leap day in fact, when a new format consisting of two separate blogs (plus a supplemental third blog) became the current daily blog (set). For the first time, these blogs actually have explanatory pages like "About this Blog" pages and more, for what they are worth, in an attempt to introduce the blogs, me, and anyone mentioned in the blogs.

The first of the current blog set is a intended to be a brief synopsis of each day and called "In Case It Matters" and it is the basic "just the facts" report of the day most of the time. The second part of the two part daily blog set is where the babbler can expound as much as he wishes (or as much as time permits that day or night) as he dives into whatever may be going on and it is called "Dirt, Drama, and Details" because it is the dirt, drama, and details of the daily life. And finally, for the moment, the supplemental blog which is not daily, but still connected to the daily in various ways, some yet to be determined, is called paragraphs and closes this tour of the daily blog branches. Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and feel free to step inside. We dont bote. Much.

Of course I must include one more link just because my head might explode if I didn't and that is to a single page blog (so far) that kind of says - let me be - to anyone who would think I might be a bit disturbed or in any sort of distress (or actually succumbing to madness in some unhealthy way).

On this note, I will conclude this ridiculously self-indulgent tour of my written gardens (focusing primarily on the daily blogs with some expansion into supplemental blogs and the early pages and introductions scattered through) and now return you to your regular correspondence (which I will kindly start in another email. :)

Sooner or later I will publish this tour in a blog somewhere (wow, I'm prophetic, aye?) and I thank you, J, for the inspiration to take this walk these gardens with you and put this map guide thing together. I share this in the hope that you (and anyone) can better choose the place in my written gardens you would like to visit whenever you do. This provides a tapestry of how some of the gardens formed. The pruning, as you call it, and how I got to where I am today (with a little why thrown in cuz you care). :)

Are we having fun yet? lol lam :)

Hope it wasn't too painful.

honest love,

Yes, well... so therein exhibits some of the risks (letters, even before emails, would sometimes pause at a hundred pages and there have been sitings of single letters that went on for as many as five or six hundred pages.... books, no down, and long ones at that) of engaging in an email correspondence with me. No wonder I don't do it too often. Back in the day, the many hundreds of pen pals slowly became just dozens and of those dozens maybe a dozen hung in and kept up with the babbler (and fewere still actually followed all the long and winding roads woven through the words. A few reached the level of accepting exchanges where they'd receive hundreds of pages. It was an amazing marathon of words at times.

Perhaps the title of this blog finally makes sense. Or not, everything is relative, after all. :)