This next writing is inspired by the 7 drivers of old habits of thinking (those are the words in bold below) that came from the website 7 drivers of old habits of thinking. The websites appears to be suggesting ways to stop negative thinking. This lead me to ponder if I have these habits (the words in italics below) and on a deeper level, whether I am a negative thinker or have a habit of negative thoughts. I'll leave the question of just what are negative thoughts for another long and winding ramble. Feel free to join me (or lead me) on that tangent another time. For now, I share a deeply satisfying smile that was inspired by what follows. A letter to the friend who sent me the 7 drivers of old habits of thinking (the words in bold below, each numbered 1-7, got it?) leading me to think whether I have any of those habits. Thank you for the inspiration. :)
I love you. I appreciate you. I really don't think you ever really got to know me. I think that's mostly because I held back because I was always afraid of scaring you away. Life is so much fun for me. People disappoint and I turn to you to understand my disappointment and sadness and I guess that is mostly what you see. Do you really think I do these things? I ask with a smile, so neither of us should be defensive :)
1. Living on “automatic pilot” (rather than with awareness and conscious choice). - From my perspective, I am too aware of almost everything and conscious of every choice I make. Every moment is a brand new moment and anything can happen. That perspective seems to scare everyone away. I used to dumb-down more than I do now and it's not satisfying beyond superficial momentary distraction from how lonely it is to have no one who really sees me and there is no one to come home to. I've always been the giver because I always had more to give and I love giving. I welcome someone who truly understands how wonderful it feels to live as I do. :)
2. Relating to experience through thought (rather than directly sensing). I feel how scared people are to share, to care, to be themselves. This is why I bloat up and get uncomfortable physically, joining in the reindeer games, so to speak - the human condition is self-destructive. That keeps most people apart and fighting - I finally gave in and joined the human party about fifteen years ago, maybe twenty. It hurts less feeling less.
3. Dwelling on and in the past and future (rather than being fully in the present moment). Do you really think I do this? I live more in the moment than anyone I know - but when there is nothing to do but rest (cuz a body needs rest) I babble (write) because my mind keeps wanting to play so I play with words when the body is tired.
4. Trying to avoid, escape, or get rid of unpleasant experience (rather than approach it with interest). If anything I stay in an unpleasant experience trying to make it better long after people tell me to give up and move on (I face myself and everything in words, hoping someone will come along and find the words - or just want to talk. Until someone does, I write, I work, I play ball (three nights a week and weekends), I go to dinner with friends, I play cards and games, I've been to six meetups in July, I'm exhausted lol.
5. Needing things to be different from how they are (rather than allowing them to be just as they already are). The only thing I really want different is to find someone who relates to me as I am. Everything else is my choice. I wish people would not be so disappointing, but I don't need that to be happy - the world does though (and I wonder if you understand why I laugh at that multi-layered thought) :)
6. Seeing thoughts as true and real (rather than as mental events that may or may not correspond to reality). Everything is relative and an illusion in the mind. We believe what we want to believe and choose to make it real by sharing it with someone else who chooses to believe the same thing, but it's just a mental construct that can change with a blink of an eye. It is so much deeper and multi-faceted than words can begin to express and so I laugh as I dream the impossible dream of putting it into words. Did you know one of my dreams was to write the song that saves the world? :)
7. Treating yourself harshly and unkindly (rather than taking care of yourself with kindness and compassion). Honest love is the kindest, gentlest, truest love there can be because it is the most real unconditional love - without limits or pretenses. It may seem harsh or even cruel to anyone who does not get it, but they is only because they are afraid to see the conscious awareness and acceptance of reality it brings.
I welcome a different perspective. I welcome someone who cares to analyze me and life and everything. I love it when someone presents a thought I did not think of before or even more, I love it when someone cares enough to take the time to prove me wrong. That has not happened in a very long time because no one comes close enough to really touch the reality I see and feel and experience. That's lonely, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying every moment of this life (even subdued as I am).
Listen to Dan Fogelberg's Part of the Plan one day. It is one of my core songs. When I say core songs, I mean words that come close to expressing my perspective or even who I am. The Who's I'm Free is another. Some are collected here: Heart, Mind, Song John Denver's Seasons Of The Heart (and some others by him) contains some core songs. Harry Chapin has many, Everybody's Lonely is one. It has been so long since I found anyone into the music I am into - so long since I found someone who wants to explore music or the things that matter to me most. Don McLean's Vincent can be so related to my experience in this life in some deep ways. On a slightly lighter and less intense note, this site is a collection of videos I put together that I call The Video Me. Someday I hope someone wants to listen and watch and appreciate me for it.
Longing for a soulmate is part of who I am. Melissa Etheridge's Melissa Etheridge pounds home some truths for me. Reality so sharp it cuts away the BS most of us call life. I live for love, it is what I do. I give everything I am, that is what makes me happier than anything else. When I have no partner, I adopt people and give and care and share and you experienced that - unconditional love and trusting a heart's good intentions. That is real, you know better than most that it is what I do. So maybe you look at the surface whining and complaining and sadness I put into words to you and forget the wonder of the child inside me who thrills at the chance to give to someone else and take care of someone else. Until someone comes along who does something similar for me, it is the best I can do to be who I am.
So sometimes I lament
for someone to love me
the way I love and give
unconditionally
And sometimes I am sad
when I face how alone
I am in this life
I survive on my own
And I am happy to be me
There's no way else I'd rather be
how many can say that and
make it reality?
I love the way I am
I live life fearlessly
and someone someone will understand
and fall in love with me
So sometimes people say
I should not live this way
I should protect myself more
I should lock my door
but that's not what I'm here for
I am here to share
it is the best feeling I know
to give and show I care
And I am happy to be me
There's no way else I'd rather be
how many can say that and
make it reality?
I love the way I am
I live life fearlessly
and someday someone will understand
and fall in love with me
It is a simple song. I am a simple man. Someday when love conquers fear, we all will understand,
I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to lose. Giving everything for love is just the way I choose.
That's what makes me happy. That's how I want to be. Someday we all will understand and live in love like me.
La la la la :)
I watch everyone rushing through their lives missing so many opportunities to be kind and generous and experience the gift of giving, sharing, caring - doing it. I hear everyone say it in passing, the acceptable words how are you? and wanting nothing more than I'm fine because, after all, who has time to really listen to someone's story anymore?. The sincerity behind have a nice day is often so shallow, words with no thought behind them other than see ya or more honestly, Hi, Bye, Don't have time for more... it's not that I don't care, I just don't have time to actually do it.
That is the reality most people avoid. Caring is a verb, it is something to do, not just something to say. Doing it makes it real. Yet how many people actually do it anymore? Perhaps one on one or in very small circles, relationships and families, but even there I see so much superficiality and pretense. The words are just so much easier than the actions.
I understand. People are struggling to pay bills, to keep their head above the water. Trusting is scary. Sharing is scary. I think most people have forgotten how to do it in reality. Caring is scary. I know it's how I live, it's who I am. But love feels better than fear. Love is realer. Fear is what might happen. I can't control what might happen. I can control what I do, so I love. Love is what can happen. Love is what does happen when I love.
Someday it will not push someone away and that someone will be the one I've been hoping to find this entire life. Until then, I love every minute of the experience from the empty depths of loneliness to the limitless heights of imagination, from the agony of insensitivity, betrayal, and cruelty to the magical bliss of kindness and generosity and caring sharing. It is no accident that Billy Joel's Honesty is the longest running first and last song on my life's playlist.
It is the song I sing to the world. It is the song I sing to every person. It is the song I sing to the one I hope to find someday, soulmate. Elton John's The One and Believe In Love are close to the center of my core, of who I really am. But Honesty... is all I really need... from anyone.
Honesty is love.
It takes unconditional love and trust to be completely honest. And isn't that phrase, completely honest, the sad truth - that we are not always completely honest. Seems like an oxymoron, I mean, how can honesty be less than honest?
Yet isn't that the way of the world. From the things we do not say in relationships to pandering of Madison Avenue to the politicians and leaders of countries, honesty is so seldom heard. We tell ourselves it's kinder not to say the whole truth. And the lies spiral out and corrupt our lives until we don't know what is real anymore. That's why most relationships do not last. Honestly.
So am I negative, or am I simply facing reality and not avoiding truth? It is a matter of perspective, a choice to believe what we want to believe - a mental construct - an illusion. We may choose to have different opinions of me, but who is to say what is true?
We believe what we want to believe. I choose to believe in you, in your heart. I see your beautiful intentions. I feel your pain, I feel your fear, I feel your confusion, I feel your intention to love. That is you.
So who am I? Do you feel safe? Do you feel the honest love, the unconditional caring? Do you feel something else?
I know, finding the words can be a challenge. It is a commitment to find the words to express thoughts and feelings. It is a commitment to self, to express self. What if it is not right? What if it does not please? What if it upsets someone? It is easier to let someone else speak and nod our heads. That is what most people do. Accepting that reality, I can still reach for more - for what is missed, the personal, the meaning, the commitment, the truth that is who one is. It's just a feeling, but it is everything. Within the philosophical ramblings may be wisdom, but it is easier to be a fool (I am happy being both). :)
I hope you keep sending me the good advice and therapeutic thoughts. :)
I appreciate your inspiration - may all these words mean something to you - they definitely mean a lot to me because they express much of who I am.
Sweet dreams,
hl,
ric
So did we learn something about me (or anything) after all that? :)
My experience in this life may seem sad to you, I mean, I know few people who know the experience of no family in this world where people take family for granted and assume everybody has some, but I do not know any other experience so it is only sad to me when others tell me it's sad. It is all I know and I am happy being me enjoying experiencing each moment with my senses (I suppose few people know that experience, unless they are infants lol lam, if only I could meet another independent infant like me, aye? lol lam).
Expressing my experience, sad as it may be to you, helps me accept reality and acceptance leads t clarity and clarity leads to euphoria and who doesn't want some euphoria, right? :)
Someday you all will understand :)
Narf :)
No comments:
Post a Comment