How Did This Get Forgotten?

Well, it wasn't completely forgotten, just as Ri and many others friends and lovers have not been completely forgotten, but somehow a lot of time passed without an entry here.

Who noticed?

I am wide awake in so many ways, but still very much sleeping on some levels even though the ancient babbler recently did that babbling thing we used to love so well.

I have changed a lot over the years and I am finally coming to terms with it. I think the biggest change is I no longer see the cup of people (as in hope for humanity) as half full. I see it as a drain of our own creation as a species and we are rapidly (in epoch years) swirling down it. Mostly by our own hands. Maybe the new Star Trek series will rekindle some hope. Or something.

Anyway, this blog is about letters, arts, whatever it is we might call writing to others. Sometimes the words are an introductory letter to a complete stranger. Sometimes the words are a revealing bit of babble to a closest friend. I don't reach out as much as I used to (see previous paragraph) so there has not bee much to put here. Maybe. I have been babbling to a couple of the closest people in the world to me and look at the volume of letters and words and wonder why I don't put some here or even start a whole new book (blog, now) the way I used to. Perhaps this letter I came to share might explain.

She shared this page and I read it. Then, self-reflection happened and this is what came out:

I'm good on all except social. I can do better on physical, but in serious reality - how many people my age play softball as much as I do and keep a full time job of 50 hours a week and has all his own teeth and has only been the a doctors a few times in ten or more years and only for a check up or simple medicine I'd have bought over the counter if the medical industry was not so greedy? I can do better though, for sure. I'm gonna be under 200 pounds before I house-animal sit for you, I just decided, so there.

You see my venting so much more than the rest of me that even as close as we've been, sharing living space for many years, I don't really think you know me well. I appreciate you caring enough to be an outlet for my venting frustrations. :)

I know most people don't like me when they get close these days. I don't want to play the social games anymore. I don't want to help people as much as I used to. That's the me you've mostly known (maybe you see deeper and that's why you stay close). I am very different than I was twenty or more years ago. I don't have the hope for humanity and desire to help everyone I had back then.

So I don't hide my honesty, it shows in my face. I am alone because I push people away silently by reflecting in my expressions the dishonesty and insecurity they show me.

I don't think about doing it, I just do it.

You are a ray of sunshine in this world. Even though you think you have so many weaknesses and faults, you have a gift few people have. Partly because you are afraid to displease anyone, but also because you genuinely want to make this world a better place and help people who want help and you believe we can still change enough people to make it happen. That makes you a beautiful person even when you don't see it. That's why I chose to adopt you. That may feel like a burden on you sometimes, so I stay mostly out of your life.

Other people I know are so very negative and I limit my interactions with them, but that part of me that still cares keeps them around because they need me. I don't meet any positive people anymore because I am tired of everyone needing a lot more emotional help than I do.

So Social, that's were I am relatively empty. Even though I play cards with more than a dozen people every Saturday now and could be playing cards and games with a half dozen other people twice a week if I didn't live so far from them and I am still asked to play softball by four teams and asked to hang out after games eating at bars even though I am the only one who doesn't drink... and I still have lunch and dinner with a friend or few every weekend and could do it more often if I had the money. I have more social life than most people, but no close social connections that feed me. I am always the nurturer and helper.

Hey, you sent the link, I read the page, this is what you get lol :)

Someday my princess will come. :)

I make my own bed, I know that.

I mostly like my life and I still love me. The missing things in life are my choice and mostly physical (other than people who understand me and the one and that's because I don't want to do he work that pays enough to have those things. Maybe I'll buy a house in the ghetto and cut my expenses dramatically. Or more likely somewhere far from people where houses are about as cheap. :)

Thanks for keeping in touch. More than anything else (for you) I want you to be happy and successful in your relationships and your life. I will do anything I can to help whenever I can.

You remind me of who I used to be, especially your heart. :)

Call, text, write, visit, whatever you want whenever it feels right. Be silent and let time pass whenever that feels right. Whatever makes you happy - that's what I want most for and from you.

Thanks for the thinking material you've sent recently. I hope you've benefited from it too. I am playing that game you sent. I made it to frog last night and I downloaded the good words too. :)

And as you see, I read the page you sent. Good stuff inspires self-reflection and lots of babble. You know that by now lol. Thanks for continuing to take the risk lol :)

Take care of you. :)

Maybe not (explain, that is) lol.

Anyway, there you have a recent expose to one of the people who I care about most in this world. An adopted sister, an adopted child, adopted family. Just in case you wanted to know more about who I am inside (why else would you come to this blog, aye?).

There are more sides to an open mind and can be cut into the biggest diamond.

And the mind and all it contains is free.

Maybe you understand.

Thanks for reading.

Narf :)