Sort of An Update

There once was a best friend who who became too dependent. She calls it co-dependent, and so the books define her. I think we all have some of the tendencies to over-depend on others, but I also think labels are foolish excuses that allow us to accept too many mistakes without correcting them. Even taking a drug that is supposed to fix them, that is dependency I do not understand. I love the effects of some drugs, but to need a drug daily to be ok, that's a place I never hop to let myself get to and I do believe it is a choice more than anything else. Self-control is a lost art in modern society.

All that, and then there's this. Make of it what you will (I'd love an opinion outside of my own head lol, but don't expect me to accept it as right and true if I don't know you and you don't justify it, word). This blog, meanwhile, is mostly about me and what is or may be revealed in letters to friends. Could there be secrets I don't even know about myself? Could there be secrets I don't even realize I reveal here? Is this some form of co-dependency too?

I welcome input as I share for though I write primarily for myself, to keep myself company and learn about myself and express my feelings, I also write and share words online because I want someone to know me, to help me paint the big picture, and to share.

Or something like that. :)

Heard from old friend, best friend in high school, he's retired and in Palm Beach now.

Heard from pen pal from India, only exchanged a few emails, he or she praises me a lot.

Emailed a woman in Longwood about a room. Still would be a room in someone else's home, but would be my own bath, hopefully a better sharer, and above all else, cleaner. Hopeful, if she responds. $600 a month with a $600 deposit, $50 more a month than I pay here. Looks like a decent house in a better neighborhood, though I'm not positive. More reason to stop spending $, especially until the car is fully paid off. Then I am going to think about buying a house if I can find one in a decent area for $150,000. Brandy is right about Volusia county being cheaper than Seminole, but I've got to consider the trips to softball. No worries, I wouldn't call you any more than I do not if I lived closer. Seriously. I just need to find a place I can afford and I'll hibernate mostly. If I can find a place similar in size to yours, it would be ideal. I could bring all of my stuff out of storage and have $280 a month more for living. Then I could even think about selling stuff on eBay or Amazon an earn more $ that way. The house would probably have to be a fixer-upper, but it makes sense cuz mortgages are lower than rent.

I also thought about living in a senior living center, but that seems scary. I haven't explored those yet. The thing is, I just haven't been able to find a roommate to share space and expenses. I've been on a roommate site for more than two years, sent dozens, many dozens of messages. The las two times I tied this site I found a roommate in a few months and in a month, respectively. I think age has a lot to do with it, but it could be a lot of other things too. Anyway, though this living space gets to me and I have given up at times in the past couple of years, I am not giving up and just wanted you to know. That's a good thing.

We haven't shared in such a long time. I wish you'd find a way past your guilt so you can be my friend again :)

Laugh?

I so rarely know your reaction to my serious jokes :)

We wont go into my medical stuff just now... rolling eyes and acting all nonchalant lol (laugh with me, please?)

Ok, so I think I've decided on an iphone. I can get an 8plus for $25 a month. Much much better for my eyes. I am used to the iphone. The 7plus is $23 a month so it makes sense for $2 a month more to get the better phone. There are some differences worth the $2 a month. I don't think I want to get used to the Android again. I won't need to think about another phone for 3 years. Probably lol :)

The other option is buy the cheapest phone I can find, refurbished or used, keep not using it as much as I might because the screen is so small, and see how long it might last and wait until September (or later) when the next newest models come out but they probably will be more at least at first. Hopefully they won't be a big difference in the October models. Back in the 80's I was living so much more comfortably and buying all the latest tech. I was earning twice the national average, about what I make now. The economy really has screwed us middle class. Makes me wonder why more people don't see it.

So I must face and really deal with the fact I am still not financially ready to get an iPad or better computer. But to back up an iphone I'm going to have to get a better computer. I really don't know why I am having so much of a challenge living on $45K a year. The car payment probably is the biggest reason. Putting more into a retirement plan is another reason. Putting $200 (now $300 as of last month) into a savings account I don't touch is another reason. Paying $830 a month for rent and storage is another factor, but I was handling more when we were living together most months. Maybe the biggest difference is eating less economically because I don't have a clean fridge or kitchen. Not having any savings left may be a factor, but it still feels puzzling. When I worked for the psych hospital I was making $45K a year and I was able to save some money. Prices rise that much?

So I've renewed my effort to live healthier and more economically this weekend. No spending money this weekend and I will try not to all week except for the phone so I'll not stress over the Nashville next weekend. Then gonna try to spend as little money as possible the rest of July and August and then World Series trip to Tampa in September.

Based on this weekend, it is extremely lonely living this way.

Wish I had someone to talk to more often. Any ideas about why it is so challenging for me to find someone I can really relate to - and who can and wants to relate to me?

I'll appreciate any serious answer from you as a friend or my sister or a therapist, whatever works for you :)

Or just nod and send a hug as you usually do. I'm used to that :)

Thanks for listening, this has helped reinforce what I need to do.

I'll try to lay down and watch The Animaniacs now.

hug thanks, love you

Does this reveal too much?

Who makes the rules that answer that question?

I suppose I am still trying to understand the reason people create and accept so many boundaries, walls, secrets. What is privacy anyway and why do we need it? Because others will take advantage of us? Isn't it just the opposite, that secrets make us ore vulnerable than having nothing to hide? Or is freedom just another word for nothing left to lose? What is your philosophy and why do you choose it?

I'll be fine without answers. I rarely get answers. That does not stop my curiosity though. :)

So how are you? :)

Narf :)

Old Friends (Bookends?)

Your timing is perfect as you caught me on a letter writing day. These days don't come too often, but a wonderful storm has me inside and I was in the middle of writing a third letter when yours popped up. I want to go out and play in the storm, but the odds of this body surviving a lightening have gone down enough for me to think twice about splashing around outside when the thunder is booming. Even if the odds of getting struck are are very much in my favor lol. I like living so I take fewer risks as I shoot for experiencing what 100 years old feels like :)

Love the Yogi quote. I do enjoy life and when I look back, few regrets. Not having any close family ties has given me a unique perspective and while it is sad sometimes and I've known some downbeats, it has some rewards too and has made me who I am (still singing all you need is love and seeking the positive as much as I can no matter what happens. I like me and the whole world is my family, so it's turning out just fine from my perspective. As I said, keeping in touch with you and others I considered family, even for a relatively brief few years, is something I'd try to do differently. Figuring out how to keep a relationship going on forever (and not just falling in love forever in my heart and mind) is another skill I'd still like to master.

I remember when you met Alice and I admire you for the life your chose. Kids? Four legged kids? Family? Are you in touch with Rob, Mike, and Maddy and how are they doing? I didn't know Andrew well, but him too? I imagine mom and dad may be gone, hope not, but I shudder inside as there could be sad news after all these years. Still, I would like to know. As emo as this may sound, the Ricci house is my fondest memory of family life. I can still get teary eyed thinking back and remembering, but then, I'm just still a mushy kid inside in a world full of hard asses and people scared of their emotions and honesty, so I've learned to smile silently most of the time :)

How about other people we knew? Stay in touch with any of them? I find some on Facebook now and then, though I am not on Facebook much.

Ah painting. I painted my best friend's (adopted sister) bedroom last month (three coats and baseboards all in one very long day) and in spite of playing ball often, I woke up some muscles I forgot I had lol. She lives in Lake Helen, FL which is about twenty minutes from here and it was a surprise for her fiance who was away for business for the night so we only had one day to get it done. I bought a house in Loughman, FL, 1990 and did all the maintenance for five years before I moved to Toronto, so I know some of what goes into house-care. Another poor financial choice was letting that house go, but the things we do for love (and love, at the time, was in Toronto). Wonderful memories.

Ah, you understand the flip phone life in a smart phone world :) The county promised me an iPhone 6 in October. I still haven't bought a new one, but between work, softball, and other activities, I do depend on the communication a smart phone provides. Erika (the best friend/sister I mentioned about painting) offered to buy me one but I a terrible accepting gifts so I've avoided the subject lol. I really should get one before the tournament next week as connecting with 15 people in another city can be impossible without links and maps and so on.

Catch me up on the almost 40 years whenever you have the time. I have a big space in my head and heart for you and you're welcome to add memories to it anytime. :)

As we catch up, I may just try to do a time line of life one of these days, year by year. Those used to be fun (for me, at least lol) :)

Take care and keep in touch, I'm glad to have found you again.