I am never more alive than when I am sharing caring. I strive to be always caring, but sometimes the caring is buried deep, always there (cuz I am not dead), but sometimes numbness surrounds it and apathy, procrastination, and boredom is the skin deep appearance. That happens sometimes when the sharing, especially the deeper sharing, which is fuel for the caring, wanes too much. The sharing is seldom here these days.
I am not ready to give up and sit back and stop reaching out in every way I can with everything I've got and hoping someone notices and understands and likes what I offer and reaches out and starts sharing, so here we are again. An online friend of a decade and a half, maybe longer, one of the blog family (if you recall), keeps the blog family blog alive and inspires more hope on a recurring basis... this is what follows.
Oh my badness, letting your comment sit here for weeks, or almost weeks and then I think, but what is time... and then I think, time is never enough when life is full of wonder and excitement and sharing and time is an infinite abyss when empty and longing for someone to care.
Is time all that? Probably a lot more and nothing, as it is one more measure of the illusion we live as a finite life.
What if no one can relate?
I find my reaction to that possibility more akin to a deep and unending sadness than fear. I am alone, always. I learned that as an infant or whenever the first thoughts coalesced in this brain I call mine. I looked out through these eyes and saw others in their own bodies and wanted to share, so I tried to learn how the interactions work, how communication works, how to feel less alone. I learned how to share in many ways, but always knew it was illusory - bonds we create in the mind to disassociate from the experience of being alone in these individual shells we call bodies. My awareness of this fact has ended many relationships as I've yet to meet anyone who actualizes the awareness in conscious physical sharing as I do. My awareness seems to be an affront to those who accept the illusion as reality while denying awareness that it is an illusion.
And not alone, yes, for there are a few like you who understand that sharing is accepting the communication in the moment as the sharing it is - shared thought, shared feeling, shared experience of understanding and trusting that someone cares to listen, read, and wants to understand.
Believing someone cares enough to want to understand is the first most important step toward understanding, sharing, and feeling not alone.
Thank you so very much for sharing this. :)
Yes, our dear family choose to remain mostly silent now for their own reasons. They may have forgotten this blog even exists as some have never joined. Privacy is so important to them that sharing is secondary. For me, it is the opposite to extremes that keep many from sharing with me. I want to understand because I care, but I not sharing is so not what I want in this life, it is challenging for me to stop babbling openly about everything that I experience in the hope someone like me will come along and share everything openly anywhere sharing can happen.
In this blogworld, for instance,you are the only one who accepted the invitation to share this blog. I've known each of the others in our family through sharings outside of blogging and even there, they choose silence much more than communicative sharing these days. I wish I could find a way to motivate them to share some more words, some interactions, some of the joy I find in words and other sharing. I remind them as I do you (sometimes too often for their private silence, perhaps, but they know I mean well), they are always welcome, encouraged to share, and loved.
I am permanent within myself as long as my consciousness can bring clarity of perception to reasonable understanding. Everything else is transient illusion. You recur enough to be a constant, though not daily, much more constant than a comet and comets offer permanence... recurrence offers enough proof of existence to offer permanence. :)
I have a day off from work today so catching up on emails that point me to comments and other connections is the bliss I enjoy as laundry spins and I remain open to whatever else may come.
I close reminded of the Robin Williams film, What Dreams May Come, which calls me back to an understanding that came from outside of my head that seemed to fit inside my head - which is the best kind of experience short of sharing the experience with another person.
Many hugs shared and a big smile for being here :)
I miss you all, blog family.
Many Hugs and honest love.
and Narf, always narf :)
