Yes, life is a roller coaster of emotion and the last six months have certaily been a wild ride. Major endings and new beginnings marked the major changes that have come and gone. A few of those changes involved major disappointments in myself and others. This entry is a letter to an old friend (with some modifications) and touches upon some of those changes. It also reflects on the nature of relationships and especially why so few relationships really bring the satisfaction people seek.
I started out by sharing the changes in the daily blogging I do as we met through blogging. In our exchanges, we discussed highs and lows and how they affect us. What picks us up, what brings us down, and what turns us around. Writing to old friends opens me up to reflection and that usually helps resolve anything unresolved inside. Especially when catching up after some time has passed. This time I was reminded of things that should help me continue to grow and fly ever higher if I just remember them. As usual, there is information that might not be pretty and I mean no offense to anyone. I wish no hurt for the people I mention because I love them dearly. I share this not as a vent, but as a way for you to know me better. That is what this blog is about, sharing communications with others that express or summarize my experiences and philosophies so anyone who might be a friend can know me better. I hope it works for us. :)
It is bound to happen for me. I almost always journey on some paths through the past whenever I reconnect with you or anyone who cares and has been out of the daily contact for a while. I dive right in and see where the muses and music and links and words take me. First, blogging. The present is now a two-part (harmony?) blog set of daily life brevity in in case it matters and daily life focused babbling in dirt, drama, and details with the occasional addition of whatever in paragraphs tossed in for whyever, sometimes maybe for no apparent reason (and two other blogs are actually called "for no apparent reason" don'tcha know lol. I actually created "pages" for those new blogs (like "About this Blog", "About the Writer", "About the People" and so on) explaining what they are supposed to be about, introducing me, and introducing the people I mention. I linked those on the right side or top of each blog. That is new for me and it is a merging of conformity to accepted practices of twenty years ago and rebellion as that practice is not used so much today. That perspective amuses me. :)
They are the first blogs listed in the blog table of contents called blogs and other strangers that is the one link/starting point to save for posterity as even the old archived written gardens link and pages are linked there.
Anyway, as I rearrange the pieces of the puzzle of my past I smile at the heartaches and re-live the laughs (that is an old Harry Chapin lyric deeply part of my psyche, perspective, and way of being), it brings me back to now in a way that settles any qualms or concerns I might have about the Eagles lyric that is also a core part of me, never thought I'd be alone, this far down the line... if I could only stop my mind, from wondering what I left behind and worrying 'bout it's wasted time. The conclusion of the song is what I come back to in my own way as I accept changes - now you can get on with your life baby, and I can get on with mine and maybe someday we will find... that it wasn't really wasted time. Hope, always hope.
I am in a good place (I believe that is reflected in the words in the mini-explosion of babbling in my last few daily blog entries and other places) after a few weeks (or longer) of rearranging the pieces of the puzzle of the past near and far and digesting the recent changes and challenges and returning to the present intact once again. There is still more to go and come as the classic epic closure rhymes have yet to flow, but the process I use to survive and maintain sanity and positivity is wonderfully intact which always surprises me just a little as I see rainbows through my tears once again :)
Even without the stolen child (Waterboy's reference to music left in Toronto).
I gave myself a hair cut this week (we'll just nod at the sudden seque because we understand). Wednesday night just before leaving for softball I picked up the scissor. Impulsive. Didn't even have the right scissors and didn't wash the hair to straighten it, just got tired of the mop coming into my eyes so snip snip snip (definitely need sharper scissors) and the hair is shorter. The back is not shorter though. Curly said he couldn't tell I did it myself so maybe that is a good sign lol.
I love the way you phrased your first paragraph. Not just cuz it started out with positive stuff about me (thank you), but much more because I relate so much to the perspective you shared. It is me. The positive perspective of creativity. The lingering weight of loss (with the concluding positive perspective, the smile of the flower). As well as we get along in words, I think we'd really get along well as neighbors and offline friends too :)
In recent months, For the first time in a very long time, I experienced some of what you describe in your second paragraph. The past haunting in dreams and the future haunting the awake, conciously and subconsciously. I so seldom remember dreams in this life and rarely experience restlessness or un-rested sleep, but in the past few months I have. The three themes that seem to bring disturbance are work, Jackson, and money. The pretty much intentional failure at work (yes, I've come to terms with that reality. I basically stretched myself too thin with softball and giving Jackson time and other stuff and did not give 100 hours a week to the job and that is what it needed. I realized that I don't want that much time to go to a job anymore at this stage of life so I must compromise and look for something that is just a 40 hour week even though it'll pay a lot less). Then there is the sadness about Jackson so completely moving on with her life just when I needed a friend most. After helping her with money for so many years (and her constantly calling me her BFF), I was hoping she'd follow through on her stated intention to pay me back a little each month. Instead she bought a new car and has over $400 a month payment and is taking trips and living well because her partner is not charging rent so she has a lot of extra money to spend. Alas, she avoided a lot and still does. Then there is the financial reality and job search, both subjects I am avoiding as much as possible because I want to enjoy the time away from work. That trio of thought streams sometimes disturb my sleep with unsettling dreams and I don't sleep as well or feel as rested as I usually do. The good news is that it is getting better every week and got a lot better this week, I think :)
My waking hours are often very busy with fun with friends or fun writing/reading distractions, though the sadness of the trio of weights can roll over me like a black cloud and rain so hard if I let myself sit home alone doing nothing too long (so I do my best not to do that even when the body begs for rest). All in all, that's the worst of it and this week it feels like the worst of it is no longer the norm, but rather an offshore storm starting to diminish in strength or oil rig no longer gushing, but bleeding slightly and getting under control. The infection, so to speak, is healing. :)
Yes, that paradox is very much a huge part of the story of my life on and offline. I think it is because people are afraid to really share themselves. The walls do not come down. I think almost every human relationship, even ones that seem to work, can be summed up with the question in the Carly Simon song Do The Walls Come Down. Whether the word "fire" is left to reflect passion or romance or substituted for "friend" or "BFF" or brother/sister or any relationship, I think the singular obstacle to satisfaction for just about everyone is fear of letting the walls down completely to actualize unconditional trust and until unconditional trust is truly actualized, there is incomplete satisfaction because there is always that feeling that something is missing, something is hidden, something is not shared.
Online or off, that fear of sharing everything seems to be, to me at least, the reason for the paradox of the quest for sharing online that so often brings only silence.
I find pleasure, very often giggling glee, in simply hopping into bed or eating what I want to eat or taking a hot shower or sleeping in or in so many simple solitary daily activities. I must add some form of serious exercise to my daily routine as I once felt so much pleasure in getting my heart rate up to 160 and feeling my muscles come alive. I picked up Precious yesterday to take her to the ATT store to exchange her phone (why the code I set up didn't work is a mystery) and she is living in the apartment community I moved into when I moved back to Florida in 2000, in fact, she is across the hall from that first apartment. The memories came flooding back as I was so much more fit there, running and getting to the gym almost daily and playing tennis and racketball and other activities regularly. I feel so foolish letting laziness and apathy dominate my daily decisions about exercising more. Yes, there is softball, but I used to find such bliss in so much more vigorous exercise. Perhaps writing this will reinforce the feeling I had yesterday and get me going again. Always hope, yes, but I need more, I need to do it.
Thank you for the inspiration to write this. Some things apparently wanted to be shared and they were spurred on by your insights and ponderings combined with responding to your words. I started this when I woke after noon and then Curly came by and I went shopping with him and had lunch, then returned to writing this. It is now time to change clothes and head out for softball. I hope this added something good to your day :)
honest love,
