old friend, sorta

this one was written to a very close friend who lived with me for almost a decade, a friend who shared the ups and downs of life when we weren't avoiding the depths... it was written on the occasion of her birthday during the week after her birthday (only the happy birthday segment was written on her birthday) as the reflection of the years and highs and lows and heights and depths and mixed up emotional journey (and the roller coaster ride goes on forever) we've shared (so does that make it revealing or just deeper creativity?... feel free to discuss)... it came in segments, hence the format and multiple titles, in case you wish to analyze it (hey, someday all my babblings may be considered classic required reading in some cultures... or schools... or asylums... like shakespeare... or the bible... or nostrodamus... yeah, well, you don't have to read if you don't want to ya know (pardon me while i smirk, whimper, and thank you for your interest... or something like that)...

in our defense
i never learned the normal ways of sharing
i learned to live believing no one really cares
so i ignore the holidays most people celebrate
because i don't want to feel disappointments or despairs
maybe it is just my defense

i'm happier living without expectations
that way each day brings to life a new surprise
and yet sometimes i feel i let you down
when i see sadness in the way you won't look me in the eyes
maybe that is just your defense

so i will try to break my habit of avoidance
because you mean more to me than my defense
i hope you understand
i live in the present tense

and all my life i've been waiting
for a gift that may never arrive
i try not to think about that
(in this depression)
walking down the street
feeling incomplete
waiting for a gift that may never arrive

wondering why i stay
why i wake up every day
looking for a reason to be alive

if i focus on each moment
not stressing over what each step meant
i sometimes find

that just being alive
can be exciting
and that brings a smile to my heart
and some peace to my mind

(in our illusion)
in our defense we do a lot of avoiding
and truth is we each see just what we want to see
all the confusion may just be an illusion
and some prefer delusion to reality

and we may not always see everything the same way
and we may not always see eye to eye
but in our defense we have a common goal
so we can always try
to never say goodbye

and when the words don't seem to explain
everything we mean to say
we can trust the silence
and not let it get in the way

for in our silence i am still caring
and in our silence we are still sharing
and in our defense
in our struggle to survive

it may not always be on time
but this is your birthday rhyme
and as long as i am alive

i will do my best to be closer to on time
every year i will write your birthday rhyme

(happy birthday)
happy birthday
you are my family
and whatever i mean to you, you should know
you probably mean more to me
odds are you've got more years than i have left
and more people in your friends and family tree
so i don't expect you to always have time
but i want you to know as long as i live
you can call on me, you can count on me
you are my family

and today
in my way
i just want to say
happy
happy
happy
birthday

and more

happy
happy
happy
every
day

(and in the end)
if you think nobody cares
well, i do
i may not always show it in ways
you want me to
i don't always feel good enough
to share the way i feel
but that doesn't mean it isn't
just as real
so i wrote these words because
i want you to know
i love you
even when it doesn't seem to show

when you feel alone
when the day does not seem worth waking up for
living on your own
when no one calls or knocks upon your door
in this busy life
when no one seems to have the time to show they care
if you look around
you'll find me there

when you call my name
i'll be there

Happy Birthday :)

share, care, be well, be aware
till tomorrow,
honest love,
ric