friend request screening

yes, so i found someone's comments interesting so i sent a friend request and what i received was this message:

HI there....got your friend request. Before I accept requests I always like to ask the following questions to ensure that we will be compatible FB friends.....
Complete the following...
1. Gays should
2. God is
3> My motto is

and i responded:

lol, clever, i think :) i have a question, how do you skip a line in a message? :)

ah, press enter... that just sends the message in the message box, or is that the chat box... i am not on FB enough to know :)

ok, answers...

1. Gays should be free to enjoy their lives just like everybody else who means no harm to anyone else (people who mean harm to others should not be free to harm others, but that's another question answered in case you ever ask :) )

2. God with the capital is a concept people say they believe created everything... god with or without the capital is unknown and so far unnecessary to me and seems to be used by a lot of people as a reason to try to control, hurt, and kill each other... i wish they would stop that...

3. My motto is #1 honesty without harm... well, that's one of them... #2 i believe in love is another... expounding on #1 a bit, honesty is my highest ideal and intending no harm is the underlying goal of every breath i take, every thing i do (or every move i make, if we like Sting's lyric and don't read too much creepiness into it)... I am not perfect, but i strive to achieve my goal and live up to my ideal... #3 "the more right i think i am, the more wrong i can be" is another motto i remind myself to remember as often as i can...

scratching the surface, i like that... thanks for getting to know me a little... i think i found a friend, but then, see motto #3 above (hoping with laughter) and finally, for now, motto #4 there's always hope (i hope) :)

make today beautiful, or more beautiful than it already is :)

i tend to smiley-face a lot... hope that's ok :)

and the respond i got back was:

Great answers! Last question.... Sheer curiosity dictates I must ask if you are male or female? You could be both for all I care but as I said.... Curiosity.....

and then i replied:

I live in a male body... I don't believe in gender stereotypes for personality (like male or female traits and such) though i do understand gender tendencies are pretty much ingrained in human psyche, which i find sad... i don't pretend that labels and definitions do not matter, they are necessary for communication of ideas and i love communication... but it is fair to say that i am not into labels, that i don't put much value on most labels, and i am into the individual person behind the label :)

and we became friends on facebook... this sort of interaction is much more fun and exciting than the simple click and approve friend request thing most people do... i appreciate someone looking for a person rather than another notch on their friends list... now if only this person lived closer, we could share some more fun beyond words and whatever else can be sent from far away... alas, she lives on the other side of this world, australia, brisbane to be a bit more precise... looking at the climate, it's much like san francisco which is quite appealing... perhaps she'll adopt me lol... yeah, not looking at such a long journey anytime soon, but it would be sweet if the funds become available... feel free to send those winning lottery numbers or generous donations to my retirement fund anytime now :)

narf :)

redemption

and this one was to a guy some called brilliant who i met through words some decades ago, an original hippie back in the days when hippies were hated and still smiled a lot... he created a wonderful post card collection called pot shot cards (don't let the antique web page fool you) that said so much in seventeen words or less... well, he gave a talk to a monday morning group, a neighborhood group that meets mondays consisting of other folk from that idealistic generation and that you might be able to read here, but if not, he spoke about redemption, specifically how some people in our culture can turn their reputations around from villian to respected, or something like that... in any case, this was my response which might say as much about me as it does about anything...

Well done Ashleigh :)

As I read the email portion of this email, before I dove into the text of your speaking engagement, the thought I pondered was perhaps the prelude to your subject. How our culture so based on a philosophy of forgiveness and redemption in religious and social contexts is somewhat bipolar as it seems to become just as enthused, if not more, in the tearing down of heroes and icons. Perhaps it is simply that fans of the latter is a more vocal minority or that they buy more news of the fallen, but lynch mobs are nothing new.

I thought to myself that my reaction to your subject was ever so depressing, to recall the downbeat cheers of our culture as you focus on the upbeat redeeming qualities of forgiveness and redemption. And then I found that you did note this thought in your inclusion of your 'pot shot':

"Why are we all so interested in news stories which are very embarrassing to the people concerned?"

Perhaps it is a misery loves company affect. The rubbernecking at auto accidents. The flocking to watch or share tragic stories. Perhaps the answers is that tearing down others provides a redemption for ourselves in the luck of the premise there but for fortune goes I. Yet, even after sixty years of rather disappointing experiences in love and trust, I still like to believe that we do not want to see the tragedy for the dark side of the pain or cruelty. I want to believe we slow down at the auto accidents and rush to watch or share the terrors of our times because we, deep in our hearts, want to believe we can find the happy ending. We can overcome the traumas and redeem our broken faith and will ourselves and others to be happy, no matter what.

Suddenly the final scene of The Wizard of Oz can be heard in my mind as I feel at home with this positive view of the sorrows and sadness and tragedies of life. Home is where the heart is and never more so than when we remember that even when the plane crashes, even when the explosions and violence of fiction or reality attracts and holds our attention, in the end, in our hearts, we do want the happy ending.

And may we all find ours.

Thank you for inspiring some thought tonight. I hope you and Dorothy enjoy your evening. :)

honest love,
Ric

living with me

to live with me, as you might have gathered from the previous entry (and goodness, this is almost getting to be a blog of revealing the deep underbelly of the author as much as this or that or the other thing, yeah yeah yeah yeah, but that's a horse from a different feather so so let's tickle elmo later and focus on this introduction to what was a letter to a roommate who was, like so many other roommates, adopted as family and taken care of as if she was my child which has really made life a wonderfully oowey goowey emo experience and i wouldn't change much if i could (hey, a perfectionist would try to make fewer mistakes, ya know?)... so anyway, without further ado, this was written as i was preparing myself for another little chickidy to leave the nest (and head off the woe-is-me pity party that can come from the life of giving... it worked, in case it isn't clear in the babbling)... anybody who cares is welcome... anybody who understands is encouraged... anybvody who wants to share this sort of life is wanted... and who are you? :)

If I lose you with all these words, please at least find the few questions.

Time is not my friend. I am running out of it. I don't have enough of it. And when I do have time to think, it depresses me. But I make time for what is important to me.

Today I have time. I slept and feel relaxed with nothing to do for the first time in a long time. The trouble is, I realize things that are under the surface every day. Things that disturb me. Things that hurt me. I know you care. I know you ignore me well. Because I care, I continue to try to earn your respect and share reality with you. I hope you read this. I hope we talk about it.

We've returned to not discussing money again. You've returned to not giving me half the rent again the last few months. Even though months ago you said you paid off all your bills.

You've never actually given me half the living expenses in the many years we lived together. For some months you give me about half the rent. For a little while you gave me a little extra. The last few months, less. All along, I pay electric. I pay internet. I pay cable tv. I pay insurance, though you waste money duplicating that instead of giving me a little toward the one policy we should have.

And now I see a good possibility of you moving out soon. Sure, not until next year, but it's bound to come and I have a voice in my head reminding me this is how it's always been for me. I give, I support, I hear promises and well-intended assurances that I'll never be forgotten and somehow it will be fair and there will be some pay-back, but then I am mostly forgotten and there is never any memory of the giving.That's life before.

Looking at my life is not always fun, but nobody cares to so I seldom do it anymore. Accepting that nobody really wants to know me is sad, so I don't think about that much anymore. Usually I don't allow myself the time. But enough about me for the moment (this will be a reflective writing for both of us), I want to find peace with you.

I don't expect you to pay back the tens of thousands of dollars I spent to give you a place to live and more over the years. What disturbs me is we have returned to ignoring the fact that you don't even give half the rent anymore and you never really respected me by sitting down each month and telling me why.

A roommate would feel obligated. A friend would feel it's only right to tell a friend why you need their money or can't pay them. A parent just gives without discussion. I accepted the role of parent. Parents only ask about money now and then when the concern comes to the surface that their child might not be able to pay all their bills on their on if they were gone. When a parent has time to pause and reflect and think about life and time.

Parents seldom focus the cold hard light of reality on themselves.

You've accepted the role of child. The child does not want to face the aging parent, the fact that the parent might not make it if they stop working. The parent provides and always will. The parent gives all and rarely asks for anything.

Because I chose to accept the role of parent in every living situation I've ever been in, I will likely have to work until the day I die or at least the day I can no longer work. No retirement. This is my simple reality.

The odds are I will be alone living on canned spaghetti on the street because I will not spent social security money to live in a ratty old room in a poor part of town. Hopefully I will buy a small trailer before the money runs out. I don't know anybody who cares about me enough to talk to about this reality.

That last line is the part of this thinking that brings tears to my eyes.

Only once in this life did I actually share a space where I could actually save money and have a nest egg for retirement and I blew that in the 90s to care for a family of five. I inherited over $30,000 while living with you but that was spent on rent and food and life when I was not working and you could not give anything to rent.

So all this (and I am cutting myself off because I probably already lost you to your guilt and anger and I don't want to waste my time thinking about myself because my intent is not to push you away, though it might be too late for that) to ask...

What is disturbing me today?...

I am concerned that even after paying off your bills, you are not prepared to live on your own or even pay for half of living expenses. Maybe you are and are saving the money you make. Maybe you are spending it on other things. Maybe you will live with Tina and she will pay the bills, for a while. I don't want her to take the parent role - that is not a true partnership and is not a relationship that lasts.

Roughly, it costs about $2200 a month to live here including food and apartment stuff. Take away food and it costs about $1500. That doesn't include phone. Living without cable, internet, and insurance (if someone else pays for it) and it's about $1100-$1200 a month. I recall a couple of times you did give $600, but that was rare. This year, you averaged about $400 (if that much... I try not to keep track because it leads me to think as I am doing right now and that disturbs me and triggers you to run or fight... hopefully you are not gone already).

So maybe you found a girlfriend you can move in with who has a mortgage and bills that only will ask for $400 a month from you and then you can rent space and hope the financial imbalance does not affect the emotional partnership you want to maintain. The fact is that money is a part of a real life-partnership and it is the primary reason most partnerships do not last.

I do not want that to happen to you.

I also don't want you to be in the position I am in when you reach my age.

I hear you, in my head, saying "Don't worry about me." I even hear "You're not my father." and harsher push-away words. I've heard them many times. Those words hurt because they deny the reality that I've cared and acted like a father for years.Push-away words make all I've given meaningless.

Maybe you are not there in that defensive angry place that you usually go to when I bring up money and the reality of life. I can only hope.

I have watched you grow a lot in the decade I've known you. I have watched you grow on many levels, including your journey toward financial independence. Maybe you are managing your money well enough to live on your own and I just don't know it. That is my hope for you.

Unconditional love is a precarious cliff. I have fallen or been pushed off it many times. It is the only way I know how to love.

In my experience, it is misunderstood and sometimes abused by those who receive it, especially when it is coming from someone who is not biological family. Even in families, there is usury and denial and a lot of taking advantage but it is seldom acknowledged. But that is a whole other sociological discussion....

I hope you understand.

I am not asking you for money. I am not asking you to balance the books. I am not asking you to take care of me or even to get real and discuss my life-reality. I accept the roles we have shared - though it would be nice and respectful if you didn't get mad and deny (and hope you can find a smile in the first attempt to tease you in this rather serious message because it shows I believe in you enough to believe you are still there and have not run away).

I am expressing my concern that you do not appear to have the means to pay your half of a shared space living arrangement.

You seem to be starting out with Tina better than you have in any previous relationship since I've known you. Part of that is the shared interests, but that's the surface of the foundation. A very important aspect of the foundation, yet your mistake in the past has been to not give time or thought (or conversation) to the other layers of a relationship (money just being one you avoid). I hope that you learned that it is not enough to coast on the similarities easy stuff.

I want you to be happy. I want you to succeed in attaining your goals in this life. While you have not shared too deeply with me, I believe one of your primary goals to be part of a real romantic life partnership. I believe part of that comes from your need to be loved, your hunger for validation of your worth from someone else. That is a potential weakness that has lead to emotional dependency that has been part of ending past relationships.

Stay out of it? Stay out of your relationship? Stay out of your head? Your heart?

I am not your therapist. I am not your father or mother. I am not even your brother or family. I have no right to care or attempt to get as close to you as I do.

I know that.

I don't know how to care less. I can deny and avoid for only so long, but I am what I am.

That is why I remain alone.

When I see someone hurting, I can't just turn away. When I see someone falling, I throw myself under them. I often get slapped, punched, or even accused of ulterior motives, but usually they get less hurt than I do and that is my intent.

When I see someone repeating the same patterns, making the same choices that undermine them, I do whatever I can to point it out even if it drives them away.

This is why I remain alone.

I am happier alone knowing that I did everything I could to make life better than I have been in relationships where I held back and compromised just to keep someone around.

Too many words?

Everybody I've ever known would likely say yes. Most would not even answer. Most would not even be reading.

This is how I process and resolve my own inner conflicts. Like when the selfishness asks why I give so much. I need a good answer because the giving has hurt and does prevent a comfortable retirement. So the extra words here, maybe 90% could just be me processing my own questions to myself. The kernal question, however, is for you and we will get to it. Perhaps all the words are a test of how much you care about me. Is anyone willing to spend a half hour reading my babble to get to the point? Not so far, alas, but there's always hope.

I have tens of thousands of pages of words on the web, a small fraction of the writing I've done in this lifetime. No one has read more than a few hundred pages as far as I know.

The heart in you may want to care this much. The heart in you may understand wanting to actualize unconditional love in this life. You may be crazy enough to do it one day (it's a good crazy).

Or maybe it is just your insecurity and need for validation that leads you to put yourself in such vulnerable positions. Maybe it is wanting someone to love you as much as it is an altruistic desire to love someone else and even (the good crazy part) save the world with your love.

I choose to believe in you. I think you get mad when I get too close because it scares you. Maybe because you feel inadequate or undeserving of pure unconditional love. I don't think you get mad because you don't care. I think you get mad because you want to care, but you are afraid to or simply convince yourself that don't have the time to. Or that your caring doesn't matter.

I choose to believe you do not just take advantage of me because I let you. I choose to believe there is something else that keeps you from replacing me in your life. I choose to believe BFF is more than just the popular phrase of the day.

Just because you do not make the time to really define and actualize what the word friend means to you, I believe it is not superficial or transient. If you want to know why I believe that, it is what I observe, your reactions to potentially losing a friend. There is more than selfishness or ego or insecurity within your reactions. There is an idealistic altruistic unconditional belief in love.

The more right I believe I am, the more wrong I can be. That is one of the foundation truths in life for me. I can only believe in what I choose to believe in based on what I feel and think and see. That is my illusion, delusion, or reality.

Who are you?

Oh sure, there is the best push-away question I could ever ask, aye?

If I ever really reached you, you are laughing right now.

Even if you are mad or scared because you don't want to be asked because you don't want to share the reality of not knowing the answer. Not knowing does not have to be as scary as is seems.

I am writing this for myself first. I am writing this because I do not want to throw a pity-party when you are gone. I do not want to focus on feeling abandoned or used or how imbalanced relationships have been in my experience. I do not want to whine and drone on about how unfair that seems.

I am writing this to remind me that I make my own choices. I am responsible for the life I live and the experiences I have known. Writing this helps me realize I cheer myself, I am proud of myself, I would not want to be any other way.

Then I can realize why I want to share this with you. Why I hope you read this and get past the limits you place on your mind to actually process this.

It's too much? Your mind does not think this much? Your process is to float the surface and let feelings settle and move on hoping for the best?

How's that worked out for you so far? (smiling even a little?)...

I believe you are so much deeper than you ever let on, you've even got yourself fooled sometimes.

Shhhh, I won't tell.

That part of you so afraid that you prefer being fooled hates me.

I won't tell that either.

I don't know everything, I am not a know-it-all (I just play one sometimes, but I seldom mean to, really). I just firmly believe what I believe and challenge the truth to be revealed. I challenge you to tell me - to show me what is right or wrong.

Of course you do not have to. You do not have to trust me or anyone that much. You do not have to figure yourself out or share yourself with anyone that much.

You don't have to define what a BFF is (please don't hate me if I smile).

I will continue believing in your heart even if I never know.

For me, not knowing is not as scary as it is to accept a belief that people are less than they can be. I will not accept that.

Accepting not knowing is the first step toward knowing.

I hope you are enjoying your weekend. I am thinking about not sending this because it fulfilled the need for me to get real and not allow selfishness to bring me down. I will not send it until tomorrow, even though you may have more time today and it will be easier to forget next weekend when you have a moment to think.

The bottom line is I want you to be free of your fears and the fear of financial dependency is one of your big ones and I do not help you face and overcome that fear by accepting the role of parent as much as I do.

I believe that is why so many people fail financially, because parents do not force the discussion and prepare their children for the reality of paying all their bills independently before they part their ways and then, the fear of the discussion leads to a debt spiral.

So I believe I know why you have not paid half of living expenses in the past. Even if nothing about me in all these words means anything (I benefited from the self-reflection) and we do not define and acknowledge what BFF means (though I think it would benefit you too if we did), I pause this conversation (one sided as it has been so far) hoping it becomes a little more two sided with this question.

Why do we not share equal halves of the living expenses?

And this request (you know I'm not too proud to beg)

Please don't run away.

honest love,

Ric

fat

sometimes my opinions are not politically correct... for instance, i have an inate aversion to fat and it is so far beyond the superficial appearance of fat, it is sometimes too deep or instinctive to explain... i see fat i see the images from biology class of the fat cells, i see images of butcher shops, i see what twenty or thirty or fifty or a hundred pounds of fat looks like... and i see the formulae from chemistry class... and more than anything else i see the medical reports on the consequences of fat... and none of that is good for anyone... so naturally i wrote the following comment after reading the comments defending fat on this article (Hopkins is an anti-fat advocate, known as a fat-shamer {which is apparently a movement in the UK}, that prompted the article) that prompted this comment...

Hopkins makes truth look bad, but truth is it is better to be healthier than chubbier. We accept obesity in our world. Obesity is not healthy. It is self-abuse to one's own heart, liver, kidneys... truth. Obesity kills. Diabetes, heart disease, all sorts of serious health issues are direct results of eating too much. Health care costs go up. People are starving and other people are eating three, four, or five times the calories they need. Wasting resources to produce more processed foods. Truth is obesity has major detrimental effects on the individual and the world.

I love food. I struggle between intelligent healthy choices and indulging my taste buds and emotional hunger. I understand how challenging it is to not eat more than I need. I have been obese and would be healthier if I dropped 20-30 pounds. I do stop myself at a weight point about 30 pounds over my healthy weight, I do not pretend my choices are ok. Indulging my emotional hunger and love of food is self-abusive. I do not shame fat people, but I do not deny the facts. Fat is unhealthy, causes diseases, wastes resources, increases health care costs, and ultimately, kills.

Humans have the right to commit suicide in many ways. Fat-shamers have the right to point that out. Just as alcoholics have the right to drink and anyone has the right to say they drink too much. Is it PC? No. Is it polite? No. Is it true? Yes.

so am i superficial or is most of the world delusional (or at least in denial)?...

old friend, sorta

this one was written to a very close friend who lived with me for almost a decade, a friend who shared the ups and downs of life when we weren't avoiding the depths... it was written on the occasion of her birthday during the week after her birthday (only the happy birthday segment was written on her birthday) as the reflection of the years and highs and lows and heights and depths and mixed up emotional journey (and the roller coaster ride goes on forever) we've shared (so does that make it revealing or just deeper creativity?... feel free to discuss)... it came in segments, hence the format and multiple titles, in case you wish to analyze it (hey, someday all my babblings may be considered classic required reading in some cultures... or schools... or asylums... like shakespeare... or the bible... or nostrodamus... yeah, well, you don't have to read if you don't want to ya know (pardon me while i smirk, whimper, and thank you for your interest... or something like that)...

in our defense
i never learned the normal ways of sharing
i learned to live believing no one really cares
so i ignore the holidays most people celebrate
because i don't want to feel disappointments or despairs
maybe it is just my defense

i'm happier living without expectations
that way each day brings to life a new surprise
and yet sometimes i feel i let you down
when i see sadness in the way you won't look me in the eyes
maybe that is just your defense

so i will try to break my habit of avoidance
because you mean more to me than my defense
i hope you understand
i live in the present tense

and all my life i've been waiting
for a gift that may never arrive
i try not to think about that
(in this depression)
walking down the street
feeling incomplete
waiting for a gift that may never arrive

wondering why i stay
why i wake up every day
looking for a reason to be alive

if i focus on each moment
not stressing over what each step meant
i sometimes find

that just being alive
can be exciting
and that brings a smile to my heart
and some peace to my mind

(in our illusion)
in our defense we do a lot of avoiding
and truth is we each see just what we want to see
all the confusion may just be an illusion
and some prefer delusion to reality

and we may not always see everything the same way
and we may not always see eye to eye
but in our defense we have a common goal
so we can always try
to never say goodbye

and when the words don't seem to explain
everything we mean to say
we can trust the silence
and not let it get in the way

for in our silence i am still caring
and in our silence we are still sharing
and in our defense
in our struggle to survive

it may not always be on time
but this is your birthday rhyme
and as long as i am alive

i will do my best to be closer to on time
every year i will write your birthday rhyme

(happy birthday)
happy birthday
you are my family
and whatever i mean to you, you should know
you probably mean more to me
odds are you've got more years than i have left
and more people in your friends and family tree
so i don't expect you to always have time
but i want you to know as long as i live
you can call on me, you can count on me
you are my family

and today
in my way
i just want to say
happy
happy
happy
birthday

and more

happy
happy
happy
every
day

(and in the end)
if you think nobody cares
well, i do
i may not always show it in ways
you want me to
i don't always feel good enough
to share the way i feel
but that doesn't mean it isn't
just as real
so i wrote these words because
i want you to know
i love you
even when it doesn't seem to show

when you feel alone
when the day does not seem worth waking up for
living on your own
when no one calls or knocks upon your door
in this busy life
when no one seems to have the time to show they care
if you look around
you'll find me there

when you call my name
i'll be there

Happy Birthday :)

share, care, be well, be aware
till tomorrow,
honest love,
ric

moving targets

there is a profound thought in the lifestyle embodied in the two word title above, but that is not what i have come here to write about so perhaps we will explore the thought another time in another place... for now, i add another letter to a stranger to this blog where i think these sort of letters might belong (if i recall the purpose of this blog correctly, which is often in doubt)... a letter of introduction to an individual person (as opposed to a personal add to anyone and everyone in my never ending search for the one which i record elsewhere, if you really want to know)...

noticing that i didn't start out with a salutation (so much for social etiquette, or business, for that matter... so perhaps i will remedy that here (if remedy will help convey the message)... or perhaps i am just weakly attempting to be clever or cute or appealing and exposing the attention whore i might be... in any case, feel free to let me know what you think if you happen to find yourself here and thinking...

Dear Nat,

Of course you claim to have no friends in real life, that fits with your online persona so well and makes you adorably vulnerable (and saveable for all the knights in shining armor out there) and pathetically relate-able to the majority of your internet audience... but did the internet create you or are you simply brilliant?

i thought of writing to your shop address and simply typing "i want to buy you" but that idea was rejected by my deeper desire to know you and not just attempt to inspire your laughter... and then i thought about writing to your community channel address, but i rejected that idea because i could ramble on forever and get infinitely distracted thinking about your videos because your mind amuses me so much... you don't have a friends@babyiknow address, so i chose this one... business proposal, aye?...

if you wander through orlando florida, i will pay for dinner at the restaurant of your choice... that's it, just an offer of dinner because i don't dance... i don't date either and this isn't any sort of attempt to create a romantic evening (if you are disappointed, i am strangely flattered)... rather, this is an attempt to be a friend...

friends in real life take time in the same space... rarely does it happen in a few moments, but hey, anything is possible... we might even want to keep in touch if we amuse each other enough... or you can continue being a moving target cuz there is safety in that choice...

it is only fair that you get to spy on me before you decide if you want to know me (cuz you give me a great advantage by sharing so much on the net), so you can, should you find yourself curious (or just bored one night), find me at the following web addresses (sometimes occasionally, sometimes only rarely... on twitter @candoor ... my facebook it off at the moment, but it is bwebbot ... i can be found at any one of these hundred or so blogs linked here: http://rhetroric.blogspot.com/2011/06/blogs-and-other-strangers.html

but mostly here: http://e-the-real.blogspot.com

you are sometimes linked there after i visit your channel, which i do every now and then because i too am a moving target, at least in my mind, and my focus seldom pauses for more than a few hours in any one spot...

see?... http://ric-candor.blogspot.com/2015/03/really-know-me-friends.html

yeah, so anyway, this is all business... the business of friendship... of really getting to know someone because you want to care about them because they somehow give you the feeling like you may relate and understand and care...

hope you find more smile than frown on your face now :)

--
share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow,
honest love, ric
http://candoor.net
407-325-1482

clicking maybe

so i was checking the suggested matches on a social meeting site, ourtime, this time (you can find my profile intro here if you care to read it), and found one i might like to know (without the expectations please) and the site would not let me continue seeing the profiles they picked for me without clicking yes, no, or maybe and i did not want to click no because maybe i found a friend and i did not want to click yes because i did not want misunderstanding so i clicked maybe and then wrote this message in the box the site provided to explain clicking maybe and also answer four questions the person choose and after writing all this below, the site wanted to charge me to send the message it asked me to send so i closed the browser and came here cuz i am still not taking any site seriously enough to pay for the superficial connections the web offers...

anyway, explaining clicking maybe to a complete stranger...

can i format or make paragraphs in this box on this site?... i won’t even try, i will explain why i am writing and answer your questions, eventually (in my babbling way)… I have so little time to explore new friends, I barely have time for current friends, but it is possible that I don't want to be as alone as I have been the past twenty years or so on some levels... I've lived with best friends (still do) and enjoy life as it is, but there is still a missing component, a level of sharing and deeper trust beyond what I currently have in life. So I occasionally (sometimes very occasionally) pop in on these social sites to explore... I don't invest much time and have yet to pay for a site so my communication is limited and often non-existent, but I decided to that I did not want to click no on your profile when it popped up on "today's matches" because I wanted to see the rest of the profiles this site chose for me without dismissing yours completely... so maybe we will be friends someday or maybe not, but I wanted you to understand the "maybe"... if this message gets through, great... you understand and accept that, better... if you respond i don't know if i will be able to read your message if i check in here again... if you want to learn more about me and share more about you, you can find me by the name candoor on the web... to your questions... i have never known biological family and the family that adopted me was very dysfunctional and distant... my family are those i've adopted and except for the one i live with, i seldom see anyone outside of work these days... family is a strange concept to me sometimes, but i imagine it is wonderful if it is the actualization of unconditional trust... that is how it is for me as much as possible... i love the outdoors, though don't spend much time outdoors except for playing softball several times a week... i don't need the outdoors as much as you may do and what i enjoy most at the moment is playing softball - though sharing intimacy-trust-honesty anywhere, indoors or out, is my favorite life activity... I haven't had time for much travel and don't crave it as much as i used to... i've been to dallas, washington dc, atlanta, and all around florida (again, playing softball) in the past year... i work a lot and love my work... where would i go?... i'd have to ponder more to choose one place... anywhere with the right person is my best answer for now... out into the universe (you said anywhere)... tropical islands appeal to me (hot climates are my natural habitat, cold climates are places to visit)... exploring major cities of the world would be interesting... and my four main goals... used to be 'finding the one' was #1 without a doubt... it may still be in the top four, but 'enjoying the moment in as many ways on as many levels as much as possible' would be #1 now... continuing the life journey for thousands more years may be unrealistic at the moment, but i'd love to see what happens in the distant future... time travel... i am a dreamer (holding out for 'the one' for all this time kind of suggests that i supposed - written with a self-mocking smile)... sharing life with a best friend who actualizes unconditional trust and honest love is definitely second i think... a partnership would be ideal... i'd like to save the world (end the human insanity that currently dominates the planet, somehow enlighten enough people to their cruelties and the ridiculousness of most of their fears and help actualize peace, love, and happiness, that remains in the top goals for me... continue playing softball well is a physical goal, running a 5k again under 25 minutes might be a goal if i take it seriously (i'll start at 35, then 30, then 25 when i have the time and motivation... perhaps this year... dropping weight is a recent goal i am accomplishing... harry chapin has a song called 'song for myself' that has some of my life goals in it... i let songs speak to me very deeply... i've always wanted to meet a musician and collaborate, just haven't met the right one yet... i have a page of 'wants' somewhere out there that probably answer the question well... and so, there is my babbling hello for tonight... are we friends yet? (irreverent humor is serious too sometimes)... didn't want you to misunderstand my 'maybe' if this site even lets you know i clicked maybe... i hope you had wonderful end of year experiences and this new year is starting off with warm smiles and deep meaningful sharing... may you find all you want soon (and then, want some more :)