communication is a fickle confluence

yes, well, if you recall the possible confusion with this blog that might happen as they are so very similar in theme that i forget why they co-exist (instead of being one) and then i think i realize that the name of this blog has something to do with it (along with the seriousness of irreverence {and irreverence of seriousness}, if you are not lost yet) as rhetoric is the essence of genios (and folly, for that matter, and i always did so want to be one of the other cuz ordinary is so, well, done before) cuz communication is a fickle confluence that could create conflation or conflagration (or confabulation, even) and this might be a record of communication or even be communication, depending on your response, so while we play with fire, we hope for a well cooked delicious meal...

or something like that...

in any case, what that last paragraph introduces and what follows here is the latest comment left for a stranger... you are encourage to feel free to proceed at your own risk...

time and patience is rare for me these days, but i wrote the words insomniac's dream and almost felt excitement the way i used to when i found a word or phrase or few that tickled me deeply (if anything can find my core these days as it spirals randomly through distraction as an addiction of avoidance and superficial ecstasy dominates the daily life, but that's a horse of a different feather that no amount of mixed metaphor can adequately express without eye contact, so it certainly does not belong in a brief comment no less in the first few lines so we'll just casually back out of this parenthetic aside and continue with whatever was going to happen in this empty box, and or something like that) so i turned to the internet to find out if others wrote the words and found you...

not that it matters to you as we are strangers, though there's always hope it might if we chose to open ourselves with wide-eyed wonder to the trepidation of the roller coaster that leads to whatever two people can form by inching closer to each other, i felt it was only fair to let you know this may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship if it can overcome my tendency to leave comments with the insensitivity of a hit and run driver and leaving this message here for you to find is akin to a groundhog finding it's shadow, that is to say (what, more words?... so many writers have told me i can say in a thousand words what a good writer can say in a few or five, but i say where's the fun in that? {with or without italics} and just continue in my babbling ways), a rare action on my part as i do not write to individual people much anymore (once i wrote to dozens of pen pals and friends every day and hundreds of others through small magazines i published from home and why that stopped is a never ending story that may or may not have anything to do with your dislike of blogging, but reading your words lead me to a glimpse of that thought buried somewhere in the mind in the head i loosely call mine)...

the obvious parenthetic distractions you may have noticed already (because i give you credit for being more clever than a fruitbat... the mockery of the obvious is amusing to me and hopefully to you too, but if you are offended easily i suppose you may have already stopped reading and if you have, well, nevermind) save me from following any thought too long as avoidance is not compatible with actually taking a specific idea seriously in a stream of consciousness (and tend to push people and readers away with meandering rambling and massive missives {not to mention unattended typos and grammatical goofiness that any conservative writer might experience as something out of a stephen king novel, not in quality or style but in essence of feeling as a reader in that my style can be a horror story to someone who does not appreciate the infinite splendor of diverging consciousness, that is} which is probably best for everyone unless the superficial aloofness and mockery of most everything including self and language is pierced by someone caring enough to inspire enough trust to engage in explanatory notes sufficient to overcome fear of intensity long enough to reach an understanding deep enough to know something meaningful has been created in communication, but the rarity of such experiences has waned hope sharing can be real to a point of sarcasm, levity, and distraction, all integral aspects of being an effectively ineffectual enigma, after all)...

so i left this message to say... hello?

i sense in my brief tour of your online worlds, quite impulsively and for the moment, superficially (though injected deep enough into my sleeping psyche to bring me to put these words in this box and send them, which might be astoundingly surprising if you knew me) an understanding of the nature of writing and the compulsion to write that is one of the few aspects of the core of my being that has not changed since my first thoughts and discovery of crayons (the walls were never the same)... even these days with so little time for myself (working 24/7/365 caring for people who cannot care for themselves is one of the most effective distractions from self for one who loves to care and help people as i do), i steal time from sleep to produce tiny eruptions of words and those splat into some hundred or so blogs on and off the web several times a day, at least, (and i have finally learned brevity after decades of struggling to grasp the concept, though this momentary missive may undermine my claim) which a few people look for or find for their own reasons and i look back on fondly in my solitary reflection (with intensely irreverent seriousness... or serious irreverence, depending on perspective... or sometimes just a distant wonder, shock and awe, even) from time to time as the entrails of a writing life... euphemistically, of course...

and now i pause but before i do, i thank you for inspiring this, whatever it is... years ago this might have been the first few paragraphs of a preface to an introductory letter and perhaps it may be, someday, but for now it is, at least for me, an impulsive hello... once i wrote many thousands of times in dozens of different ways something like - Music is the fluid carrying my spirit through my soul, words are the cells forming the body of my dreams. I think in rhymes and feel in melodies and seek in life to create harmonies - but i have no idea what a spirit or soul might be, no less what might be mine, so the profound meaning intended may be lost on me and at the risk of repeating myself, there is more irreverence in my seriousness than in most people's irreverence and more seriousness in my irreverence than anyone has taken the time to explore... i do believe in honesty and love and imagine it as honest love, so there is my core faith and way...

whatever this is to you, may the time you gave to reading (which is appreciated more than you know) be more smiles than frowns and at least better than indigestion after a delicious meal or a mosquito bite, for that matter, and if chance is kind, may this inspire a bit of a literary giggle or the excitement of anticipation without expectations even in an otherwise ordinary (mine can be excruciatingly mundane, sometimes) day... or night... or late evening just after an eye-widening sunset... or morning mist, even... whatever time of the day it might be, may it be a good feeling...

or a few, even...

hello.

personal comments

for what it's worth, this blog may be somewhat confused with this blog as both blogs kinda sorta introduce me in different ways and i am supposed to remember the difference but i may just as easily forget as remember so now you know, as i said, for what it's worth... and what follows are comments to my blog family, people who have been around for more than a decade in this many-blog world that is mostly listed here, so maybe there is something more personal in these comments from a deeper place of a deeper time of a stationary life... and it... and...

i lose myself in life, in work, in softball, and more work, and in the words i write that barely look for response anymore, the words i write just to keep what remains of me alive in my head and perhaps, somehow, if only sometimes between the lines, in the words i write...

and i paused in checking emails and in wandering the facebook or any other web world, just lost in my daily babbles and life and work and softball and more work...

and so it's many days, six or so weeks before i find this comment... time passes, but my appreciation for you being here remains as peacefully smiley as it is this moment i find your words...

thank you...

and release yourself and your words as often and as much as you like... know that sooner or later i will look up from my grindstone and push sleep aside long enough to be here again...

and somehow, we are a little less alone...

now if only we could convince the rest of our blog family to drop in for a moment (the dreamer dreams)...

thank you for being here and for continuing :)

and this next one reflected on the blog post left by one of the blog family, a post pondering a first love and the possibility that hope could fade to black... it, much like this blog post you are reading, feels incomplete tonight... perhaps i will remember to return one day to complete it,... or perhaps you will remind me... for now, this is the reflection on the life and memory and such and stuff like that... and it... and...

and all that is left to do is steal time from sleep, but for how long can it be done before the body simply collapses and fails... and then what... who will care for the vegetable that is left?...

so i give in more than ever to sleep most nights, a few hours sometimes, sometimes even almost eight, now and then... and in giving in, each time, i die a little more...

once i was invincible... or so i thought... now i am alone and tire, even as i have life living in this space, life dependent on me for survival, a friend who is still a child financially and emotionally and i parent as well as i am able... it is a loneliness you may understand...

meanwhile, reading your words reminds me that i had a first once and i hung on to her for decades and prevented myself from connecting anywhere near the same as that first for at least two decades... it was twenty years ago, the band played, and now forty, and hanging on to that first may have prevented any romance or relationship from lasting... sad, as love, sharing love, unconditional love and trust, was always my mission, my reason for being... but what good is a reason for being when i've forgotten how to do it...

so we move on day to day doing the best we can... i do a lot of good in this world... i manage a facility that gives many dozens of people a heart-warming job that provides care for two dozen people who would die without our care... a small bit of being a savior, a small bit of making the world a better place...

sometimes i wonder if hope survives, which is sad, even as somewhere inside i know hope survives if i want it to... wondering if i want it to is even sadder and somewhat scary when i imagine what fear is...

ultimately, everything is ok because i continue... i know i continue because i write that i continue almost every day and the words i continue lead me to accept and believe that i continue...

onward and so on

and for the moment

and so, because i care,
i send an imaginary hug...
and a hopeful smile :)

good memories

a lifetime or few passed since i last located a friend who was a best friend for a few years as the pre-pubescent body became the pubescent body, or something like that... with him i learned how to throw and catch (and dive for) footballs and softballs and baseballs and punch balls and basketballs and paddle balls and more... i moved out of my luupy lazy stage and into my athletic runner stage... he moved into the house three doors down in fifth grade and we we hung out daily for the next few years developing other friendships and carrying our closeness through high school when i found girls and we adjusted to spending time together as part of the football team with me hanging with my girlfriends almost all the other times... and that and the following is another bit of me for you, for this blog is meant for you who want to know me...

I am not on Facebook much, but I have friends who post pictures of me somewhat regularly so I check in now and then. Today I decided to look up your name and after a dozen or so "naaaa, that can't be him" I think I found my best from around the fifth or sixth grades :)

I live in Orlando Fl these days and have for much of the last 24 years (A few years in Toronto in the 90s). I took last year off and had time for life, but life is mostly work and softball these days - remember throwing a softball in that lot across Seaview Ave? I don't dive as much as I used to lol, mostly pitch and play on several teams at least a few times a week.

I still don't conform much but I do run a health care facility with almost a hundred staff (the 24/7 work lifestyle), so I am in one of my more socially accepted productive/successful phases. I didn't work much in the 90s after making some good investments in the eighties and have worked in health care as a licensed risk manager, quality director, and not administrator for the last 13 years.

Never married, no biological kids that I know of, though raised other people's kids, one who calls me dad and one who looks to me as a second dad, both grown but still treat me as a wallet at times lol.

Have I caught up on life yet? :)

Hope all is well and you find this message inspiring a smile on your face. Life has had some extreme ups and downs, but all in all I am still loving every minute of it and doing it mostly my way (sharing love and fun, giving it all away, and not taking tomorrow too seriously... foolish in some ways, but I've gotta be me as you may remember). I'm happy. Hope you are too :)

being that

being that more has been forgotten than remembered...

...i gave a million words when all she wanted was one heart.
there was a time this would have been so much more, so revealing, so many secrets from the other side of the wall and if you listen very hard...

the tune will come to you at last

(these songs/player might not show in Firefox, which would spoil the effect, as if this parenthesis has not already, so laugh kukaburro, laugh) and in the end, the love you save, you know?... so it all becomes rhetoric if we let it and if we don't take it seriously enough, it all is for naught, wasted, the tragedy of an unshared life, but if we take it all too seriously, we go mad, so the moral is...

don't go mad.

times was we knew everything it was delusion lost in confusion we forget more than we ever knew you can touch if you want to if you dare if you care you can share

times was we knew nothing it was so real what we could feel was everything in nothing in time we can touch if we want to if we dare if we care we can share

times was we knew everything it was illusion lost in confusion we forget more than we ever knew you can touch if you want to if you dare if you care you can share

the next step is to understand and build a bridge and step across and be where we are together as if we could share one mind and learn to step together living in the same time... that's the secret key, synchronizing living in the same time... so i can introduce myself a million times in a billion words or more, but there is still more to be shared in the mind and space and time... if we synchronize living in the same time - we become the rhyme...

metaphorically speaking, of course :)

pro-dulgent

this was suppose to be profound . . .

. . . and it became self-indulgent.
self-found?

intimate correspondence

something i wrote to an old friend on the subject of writing as communication, writing as correspondence between two people who want to share words one on one, two who want to depend on each other to be there to read and respond, two who want to trust each other to be there as a literary friend... i used to love that feeling, that illusion of intimate trust shared in correspondence, but i no longer spend time cultivate it anymore... this (with a bit more thought) lead me to that conclusion...

if i had more time or wanted to spend more time writing, i'd write more here... i use what time i spend writing to keep the daily blog flowing because if i didn't i might stop writing... i write to myself now and leave it at that...

simply, honestly, hopefully without harm - the truth of my writing life now is that i have learned to write to myself in my rambling way in brief snips and while i may occasionally lament over feeling alone, i have also learned to expect nothing and even more, depend on no one because that is the best way to maintain my self-esteem and the only way i can be sure of not being disappointed or set myself up to feel abandoned...

it may seem sad that i no longer trust or believe i can depend on human beings to share consistently, but it is the most sensible rational logical decision i ever made and brings the most peaceful easy feeling i have ever known...

the illusion of sharing, trusting, depending on someone still calls at times and the sadness that it will likely not happen with humans occasionally lures me into believing i need to share and trust, but humans are all too willing to prove that trust is an illusion and dependency and consistency is something humans choose not to offer...

all this is likely only my perspective because i have finally given up on compromising and was most likely never willing enough to compromise enough to build the bond humans build with each other... my failing, from human standards... and i can accept that point of view as valid... but as the song goes, i've got to be me...

when you think about this, if you truly knew me, then you will realize you did not need to read this comment, for you already knew...

dreams die hard...

there's a few quotes and songs i can reference or insert here but as much as i can relate to all of them, none actually reflect what i mean here... and not even harry's dreams go by really gets it... for all the years of trying to find that connection to another human, i accept it has not happened and do not expect it to...

or something like that...

and this realization that i no longer feel the urge to respond to the lure of intimate (and i do not mean sexual, i mean the unconditional trust required for truly intimate sharing) conversation in words is one more facet of the sharing of me, for anyone who wants to know...

all this while watching one of my favorite films of all time, the princess bride...

is that ironic? :)

reminder for a friend who used to write

you've been gone from your writings for a long time... but that doesn't stop me from jumping up and down if only to make a big silly splash that hopefully says i still love you, caring is a verb, so here is a literary action to demonstrate that...

i am concerned that you may sleep restlessly, which concerns me, which compels me not to wait forever to nudge you (or splash words in your face, so to speak), cuz you did write once and i believe you were not done... so i encourage continuing...

and may considering why i am here by of value . . .

the core of my consistency (and security and confidence and solidness and faith and honesty and whatever else we might call it), from my perspective, is an internal trust in my intentions... even more than trusting my instincts, i know and have always known that my intentions are pure, true, goodness, and in those three words - honesty without harm...

my intention is to be true and harmless...

not succeeding all the time, i could feel like a failure and berate myself and give up and lose faith and drift away from that bottom line and then, lose the sense of self "me"... i could accept the indecision and helplessness of being imperfect as a reason to stop caring and doubt my intentions (am i lying to myself when i tell myself i mean no harm?)... but i choose to empower hope and self-trust over fear and doubt... choosing to unconditionally trust my intention to be true and harmless is me...

and so, i am here...

sleep well and when you wake, i will be here - in these words even after the body is gone, and until the body is gone, more words will flow to prove i am here... and you are here too, as much as you will allow yourself to be...

all you have to do is choose to believe it :)