personal comments

for what it's worth, this blog may be somewhat confused with this blog as both blogs kinda sorta introduce me in different ways and i am supposed to remember the difference but i may just as easily forget as remember so now you know, as i said, for what it's worth... and what follows are comments to my blog family, people who have been around for more than a decade in this many-blog world that is mostly listed here, so maybe there is something more personal in these comments from a deeper place of a deeper time of a stationary life... and it... and...

i lose myself in life, in work, in softball, and more work, and in the words i write that barely look for response anymore, the words i write just to keep what remains of me alive in my head and perhaps, somehow, if only sometimes between the lines, in the words i write...

and i paused in checking emails and in wandering the facebook or any other web world, just lost in my daily babbles and life and work and softball and more work...

and so it's many days, six or so weeks before i find this comment... time passes, but my appreciation for you being here remains as peacefully smiley as it is this moment i find your words...

thank you...

and release yourself and your words as often and as much as you like... know that sooner or later i will look up from my grindstone and push sleep aside long enough to be here again...

and somehow, we are a little less alone...

now if only we could convince the rest of our blog family to drop in for a moment (the dreamer dreams)...

thank you for being here and for continuing :)

and this next one reflected on the blog post left by one of the blog family, a post pondering a first love and the possibility that hope could fade to black... it, much like this blog post you are reading, feels incomplete tonight... perhaps i will remember to return one day to complete it,... or perhaps you will remind me... for now, this is the reflection on the life and memory and such and stuff like that... and it... and...

and all that is left to do is steal time from sleep, but for how long can it be done before the body simply collapses and fails... and then what... who will care for the vegetable that is left?...

so i give in more than ever to sleep most nights, a few hours sometimes, sometimes even almost eight, now and then... and in giving in, each time, i die a little more...

once i was invincible... or so i thought... now i am alone and tire, even as i have life living in this space, life dependent on me for survival, a friend who is still a child financially and emotionally and i parent as well as i am able... it is a loneliness you may understand...

meanwhile, reading your words reminds me that i had a first once and i hung on to her for decades and prevented myself from connecting anywhere near the same as that first for at least two decades... it was twenty years ago, the band played, and now forty, and hanging on to that first may have prevented any romance or relationship from lasting... sad, as love, sharing love, unconditional love and trust, was always my mission, my reason for being... but what good is a reason for being when i've forgotten how to do it...

so we move on day to day doing the best we can... i do a lot of good in this world... i manage a facility that gives many dozens of people a heart-warming job that provides care for two dozen people who would die without our care... a small bit of being a savior, a small bit of making the world a better place...

sometimes i wonder if hope survives, which is sad, even as somewhere inside i know hope survives if i want it to... wondering if i want it to is even sadder and somewhat scary when i imagine what fear is...

ultimately, everything is ok because i continue... i know i continue because i write that i continue almost every day and the words i continue lead me to accept and believe that i continue...

onward and so on

and for the moment

and so, because i care,
i send an imaginary hug...
and a hopeful smile :)