someday you'll see this

cuz against all odds, there is always hope and i still hope... it is an email to my former roommate, recently moved out of state (with her dog who we shall call happiness) and more important to me than either of us may either know... and those who know may have never known, really... but then, the road is long and winding and history has shown that no one in my daily life offline has shown enough interest in me to explore even the well exposed daily blogs, no less the blogs further down the list that is growing all the time (even the easiest ones to find like this one... i mean, google my name after all)... those of you who knew me when i corresponded regularly may see the deterioration of the skill and fragmented focus that has befallen the brain i inhabit over the years... compromise, broken dreams, shattered heartstrings, and so many attempts to give up have taken their toll and nobody comes close to knowing just how much damage is permanent and how far (or close) i'll be from the me we once knew when and if i ever return (not even me)...

but still, i leap, i dream, i hope... and i attempt, however feebly, to share...

so do i cross a line of human privacy here or do i obscure enough so that only a few might guess or does it even matter?... the point is to let you know me, you who arrived here hopefully because you want to know me... the rest who find this accidentally, well, here i am anyway...

dreaming...

cuz we are friends who blog
for her

for when you have the time, this babble below is sort of an introduction to the writer/writing part of me and also some of what i meant to actually say to you before i left (i like the expression i am imagining on your face at the moment cuz it is honest :)

the links above, i'll explain as i babble below...

i am taking this transition slow (cuz i can having little life responsibilities beyond work and myself), much slower than you (again, cuz there's no reason not to)... for better or worse, you jumped right from one busy life to another busy life, though a lot less busy thank goodness... but i mean you continue to have a daily social live, roommates and a relationship and the responsibilities for interacting daily that come with that... and you have happiness too who is a major daily responsibility... so if you understand what i mean, you have much more demands on your time and things and people to occupy your time than i do... i understand... please make no guilt, obligation, or responsibility to keep in touch or do anything for me... only what you want to do and what you have time to do, that is all i ask of you :)

i decided to spend this weekend writing (cuz i love to write for so many reasons and one is to remind myself who i am, what i want, and how i feel) cuz writing helps me put things in perspective and transition through life changes and end up smiling :)

i am not sure you ever really knew how much i write or why or how much of my writing ends up online... some writing is about actual life and people (you and happiness too), but everyone has an online name in my 'blogs' for privacy... yours is Jackson (mostly for "Jacksonville" but also for a Jackson Browne reference i'll have to think about someday to remember if you want me to) and his name is happiness cuz of his smile and that is what he brought into my world (you did too, but he smiles more than either of us so he gets that name), in case i never told you :)

i don't publicize or tell people, but some of the links are on my facebook so anybody who wants to take the time to know more can if they want to without asking me directly...not that the life i live is so interesting that someone would spend a lot of time reading or asking questions about it (but just in case someone falls in love with me and wants to, well, the writing is a starting point and most of all, the writing is how i do not stop sharing everything when there is nobody around to share with... does that make sense to you? (hope so, it's why i write :)

my disclaimer to all is that if ever anything offends or is uncomfortable for you, please tell me and i will change or delete what i put online cuz my intention is not to offend or hurt anyone...

what i just did and linked above is create a blog that is intended to be used by friends, preferably by friends i know in the physical world who blog (and at the moment, i have none that i know of)... not friends online who i never met, but people i actually am friends with in the physical world... especially friends i am close to... like you... if you ever want to write and know someone who loves you unconditionally and will always be as gentle and honest and understanding as possible when reading and above all else, someone who will always be on your side cares to read (cuz i care to know you cuz i love you, mushy awwwww and all that :)

the online writing space in the first link is for me and anyone i invite to write whatever they want to write... it is public for reading for now... it could be a private place online for two or a few or a semi private place or a public place if it is ever used... i used to share a private 'blog' with someone once upon a time... just like i used to share written correspondence with friends offline... the blog is just an idea for now... the second link above is just for you... if you want me to read, leave me in it, if not, you can remove me (no offense at all, i created it for you... i will show you how to use it if you want to use it and if you don't forget it :)

and you thought i rambled before, aye? lol :)

well, there are 51 other blogs at this one blogger website that i created or at least have access to write in them... and there are others on other websites too... this is often what i do when i sit in the recliner at night browsing the web and tapping the keys... i've been doing it for well over a decade online (and since i was first able to hold a crayon long before the internet) cuz writing is my way of sharing me with me and whomever might want to know and even more important for me, writing is my way of staying in touch with me and figuring things out... i tend to repeat myself from time to time, maybe ever looking for the perfect rhyme...

sometimes i may spend five minutes a day writing, sometimes hours a day... it depends on the other stuff going on in life and how much i have to say/write... i can see i will have more time for writing now that you and happiness are gone and so, i share this with you... the knowledge of my written gardens, as i call them... and the link above or the idea of sharing a blog (journal diary written correspondence, whatever we might call it) should you wish to try it...

i don't expect you to cuz you are busy and don't write much and am not asking you to, i am only saying it is there if you want to write or post pictures or whatever and it can be just for us (or we can create another just for us if you'd like) or for friends we share (you choose) or for whatever you want... from another perspective thinking about what you do for work - it might even be a great way for therapists to give a journal to a patient that they can keep private and only let their therapist see (an idea for therapy for the cyberspace generation, aye? :)

i also tend to digress a lot :)

anyway, cuz you know i am a dreamer and one of my dreams is of one online place where everyone i love will share whatever they want to share and i also love the idea of a special private online place for each of the people most important to me where we can share our secrets... kind of like facebook except we control the privacy much more... you may ask what prompted me to think you might like to write about your secrets and thoughts and feeling in a blog...

oh, you mean there's more of a point to all this than just rambling on about me? (did i mention that i often use self-mockery to keep my ego in check and amuse myself? :)

ok, see, i was finally sitting here looking around all all your stuff (yeah, i've been avoiding the fact that you and happiness are actually gone... there, i confessed, i am an emo child and avoid stuff i don't want to make really real now and then) and decided to think about starting to put the boxes in your room and started looking at the stuff in the open boxes for sorting and packing and i will eventually repack for shipping and found in the box closest to me, right next to me and this laptop a bag of your journals/diaries and i was floored at the fact that you left them and that you left them right here within arm's reach...

trust is what melts me most, in case you didn't know, and i feel so trusted :)

i didn't read, i just picked them up... touching them felt kind of sacred (just let me know when i get too emo, ok? lol lam... lam is laughing at myself, by the way... i do that a lot), and smiled the biggest smile i have smiled in a long long time (my eyes would have been way too blurry to read anyway and you should be laughing at me for that even as you think or say awwwww :)

and as if it was not evident to me already, your importance in my life hit me like a ton of bricks cuz there are just a half dozen or so people i;vet actually lived with and even fewer i've respected enough to actually want to live with and trusted willingly with complete access to me and my world and you are one of those few... no pressure, you deserve the trust and respect, and i expect nothing from you but your honesty and for you to be you... hear that most of all please :)

so i will take care of the things you left until sending them (and you let me know what you realistically have room for and what you want first) and i will store what you want to save and you will always have a place in my world for a visit or a shelter from any storm you may run into... i want you to know i appreciate the trust you give me... and what i can share, you are always welcome to... and as long as i have a roof over my head, you are always welcome to live under it and lean on me if you ever find yourself needing anything in this life...

i know i sort of said that, but sometimes it means more to see it in written words...

of course just cuz you mean a whole lot to me doesn't mean i mean a whole lot, more or less, to you... i'm not in love with you or thinking of you romantically (though my closeness to you may very well be somewhat (or a lot) delusional, aye?... honesty above all else, remember :)

my hope is you are embarking on your journey to even more success and happiness (and security and comfort and confidence and love) than you've ever had before... this bit of babble is just to kinda formally put into words to let you know you that you have one more person in this world who will always welcome you, support you, cheer for you, care for you, and hug you completely unconditionally under any circumstances anytime...

and if writing ever feels like something you want to do and you want someone who cares about you without any judgment or butting in or imposition to read what you write, i am here... if you want a blog just for you, you can keep one completely private too (i'll help you set it up)... if you want one just for you and me, let me know... if nothing else, maybe i can inspire you to write a few words for yourself or for me in email now and then :)

so... too much? (we can laugh at my intense emoness all we want, i do all the time :)

respond as you wish, when you wish, or not at all... no expectations, no obligations... just wanting you to know... no matter what you ever do, i will always love you :)

and you thought accepting a few dollars was a challenge, huh? :P lol lam laa :)


honest love,
ric
407-325-1482

there was a lot more, dozens of blog entries from (e)thereal to the imaginary creativity that has kept me going through everything and of course, there was some attempts at adjusting to the changes and maybe even some blurry clarity (in case you want to know)...