excerpts from letters to long lost loved ones

I am foolish for not being asleep, but I was celebrating my birthday with my future roommates (a girl and her dog) and suppose I am more wired than tired (which must be pretty wired cuz I am bleary blurry tired (head bleary, eyes blurry) and somehow I thought about you (perhaps because we were both born on a 6th, for whatever numerology or random associations like that may be worth… I hear the stars talking some nights, wishing they would talk to me… they seem to hear my wishes and smile, or maybe that’s just the twinkle that comes as my eyes water from fatigue or some emoness)… and somewhere in my mind I remember reading (or reading about) the electric kool-aid acid test and other rather free associative rambles that made radical drug use and intellectual rebellion popular in the 60’s when cool was in and love was free and hair was long and people could be less afraid to be together and share honesty without egocentric competition or pretentious mind games intended to provoke or scare others into giving attention they are afraid to ask for in a direct caring way because deep down they are afraid they are not good enough to deserve honest love or genuine caring so they distort everything within their own minds and turn every interaction into a conflict they way so many people do today… better to remember reading…

and better to be alone for it always hurts when I lie to myself (but how to know when I do if I believe myself all the time and how to believe myself all the time if I lie to myself intermittently as any psychobabbler knows inconsistent reinforcement develops the some of the most illogical and unhealthy and anti-social habits, but not to be outdone the pretend of madness grows in the garden on the other side of the wall (once there was a madhouse, high and tall, walls crept over with vines… older than the nature, hear the call, said he was a friend of mine… gazing up at starlight, gave my all, some will smile, some will frown… would it even matter, afterall, if no one was looking down… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… attention, nothing more… once there was a loner, high and lost, fear distorted his mind… in his lonely wanders, damn the cost, equal can be suicide… what am I looking for… what am I hoping for… what am I craving for… to be me, to be loved, to belong, nothing more… but who dares to know the truth that sets us free?... to belong, to be loved, to be anything, first, one must be…

I am…

except when I forget :}

but when I remember, I remember I need nothing no one nothing to be me, to be, to am… and then I can appreciate what is, all that is, and be part of and belong and finally share something real without fear or doubt or manipulative games… ah, to be without manipulative games… I remember it well… and I miss sharing the experience, but who will remember with me, no less actualize… lament is free, though it can demand a heavy price from those who feed it’s passionless crusade… and when all is left is anger, numb seems best… apologies are worthless when they get too repetitive… but still better than dead silence or angry noise, so continue striving for honesty in caring for all else is a waste of time unless one enjoys the meaningless soap operas more than actualized life, love, and the pursuit of happiness… security is just a state of mind, as is everything else…

I came here to remind you I care about you and want to know about your daily days and nightly nights… I could have checked the tweets or pretended to send random secret messages to the moon in five links, but instead, I came here because I am celebrating caring and want to care about you… damned emo of me, no doubt… and may you find some amusement (or profundity) in my ramblings inspired by this, that, and the other thing and the 6th day of the month… or something like that…

I hope you are smiling and feeling good, healthy, happy, and forgiving (if time requires it) or understanding living in the moment and enjoying this moment with me… I will continue to return, even if you don’t coax me… I hope you will do the same :)